Τοπσ ανδ Βοττομσ οφ Μαι Λαιφ

Moved.

2006-12-05T21:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,

I will not be blogging here anymore. I've written too much about J here and I need to move on. I know all these are part of me so I'll not delete them. They'll always be part of me but I won't look back. I'm going to start a new life for myself. Closing this chapter of my life, I'll move on to a better one.

http://featherstonehaugh-kt.blogspot.com/

Hope to see you there!

Cranky Chemists...

2006-11-29T13:29:00.000+08:00

I was surfing for organic chem research papers and came across this whole field of organic synthesis related to "NanoPuts". Spastic name indeed. Read on and I'm sure you'll feel the same way I did, you'll love these molecules. And you'll also ask the same question as I did, I'm sure.

NanoPuts are molecules that look like humans. If you ask a kid to draw a person, he'll probably produce something like this:

This resembles a typical human in many ways - the head, neck, body, limbs. A kid will definitely be able to come up with something like this, or any other variant. NanoPuts are molecules that look something like this! I'll say they're cute and I'd want to try doing it in the lab.... I'll post the synthesis pathway and all those doing organic chem modules out there should be able to see that it is REALLY possible! Yes, it's really possible and the chemists have done structural analyses on the molecules by
¹H NMR and computer calculations with Spartan to get the lowest energy conformation of the molecular structure. It IS possible.

All NanoPuts are derivatives of the parent molecule known as NanoKid. The structure of NanoKid looks like this:

There's no indication of what the proper chemical name of this molecule is supposed to be but following IUPAC conventions, I would guess it's a 2-{4-[3,5-bis(pent-1-yn-1-yl)-1-ethynylphenyl]-2,5-bis[3,3-dimethyl-but-1-yn-1-yl]}-1,3-dioxolane. Yup. That should be the IUPAC name of NanoKid.

Ok, so how do you make a NanoKid? First, you will be given a starting material of 1,4-dibromobenzene to make the upper body and 4-nitroaniline to make the lower body. Simple molecules. But the whole process is tedious. Let's take a look at the reaction scheme for the upper body:

This is the entire reaction scheme for the synthesis of the upper body of a NanoKid. What seemed weird to me is that the lithium-halogen exchange reaction substitued only one Br with an aldehyde group. What about the other Br, which is essentially in the same chemical environment? I don't know why that is not replaced. And furthermore, the yield is really pretty good at 83%... Don't understand. Anyway, the last step to substitute the para-Br with I was done because Ar-Br bond is stronger than Ar-I bond and the coupling with the lower body with Ar-Br has a low yield. Substituting Br with I gives a higher yield eventually.

Now this is the reaction scheme for the synthesis of a NanoKid's lower body. The first step looks like an application of what we've learnt in JC. NO₂ being an deactivating group and is meta-directing while NH₂ is ortho-para-directing. As a result, only 2,5-dibromo-4-nitroaniline was obtained. Following, it's all quite complicated chemical reactions with funny conditions. In the end, the two portions of the body are fused together with another set of complicated chemical conditions...

So this is a NanoKid, the precursor to a wide array of NanoPuts. The head of the NanoKid is prone to changes by microwave irradiation with appropriate diols. Different diols will modify the shape of the head in a differen manner, producing a different NanoPut. They've been assigned names such as NanoChef, NanoScholar and NanoJester. Of all, I like the NanoAthlete the most, with the funky hairstyle...

Below is a list of diols that can be used to modify the head group of the NanoKid to come up with different NanoPuts:

And, my favourite NanoAthlete looks like this!

Now are you asking where did these chemists get the funding from? Haha!

Das Ende

2006-11-27T01:04:00.000+08:00

Vielleicht hatte ich nur gewusst. Vielleicht hatten wir uns dieses gedacht. Alle schöne Sachen müssen ein Ende erreichen. Das sage ich, nur natürlich. Jetzt bin ich wahrscheinlich in Ordnung. Ich habe die Wahrheit schon anerkennen. Ich werde an ihn nicht mehr denken. Er lohnst wirklich nicht meine Zeit und Liebe. Ich habe für ihn zu viel getan, und jetzt lasse ich nichts für mich selbst. Das ist wunderbar, oder?

Wenn ich bei ihm war, fühlte ich immer die Zweifel. Ich kann keine Liebe von ihm fühlen. Es gab etwa ein Moment, wenn er etwas süß für mich getan hat, doch sind er und seine Wörter meistens zu kalt für mich. Das macht mich traurig. Ich bin der Meinung, wenn ich für ihn so viel getan würde, wird er mich besser behandeln. Aber das hat keine Recht. Überhaupt keine Recht. Er ist immer so erforderlich für mich, und er ist zu mir der wichtigsten. Aber was bedeute ich in ihm? Vielleicht wirklich nichts. Ich bin nur ein anderer Mann, der bei ihm schlafen wird.

Ich weiß, dass ich verliebt war. Ich habe ihn mit alles meines selbst gelieben. Am Ende der Reise, lerne ich etwas neues. Liebe kostet kein Geld. Es kostet ein Leben. Mein Leben ist, denn er, umgekommen. Denkt ihr anders? Wenn er nicht mit mir zusammen sein würde, dann sollte er mir ganz das gesagt! Es ist mehr als ein Jahr. Mehr als ein Jahr meines Lebens! Die Zeit, die Liebe, mein Leben, das Alles, alles dahingeschwunden. Ausgezeichnet! Ich habe jetzt gewusst, das ich wirklich mein Leben für so lange umsonst gelebt habe. Meine Liebe ist tot.

ARGH!!

2006-11-24T02:10:00.000+08:00

ARGH!! WAS HATTE IN MEINEM LEBEN GESCHEHEN?!?! DIE PRÜFUNGEN, DER J, J, J UND J. WAS IST NUR MIT MIR??? ICH SPÜRE TOT. LASS MICH IN RUHE ODER AM BESTENS, TÖT MICH.

Oral Sex, Anal Sex and the Last Spanish Class

2006-11-10T00:27:00.000+08:00

We do have a very big problem with sections 377 and 377A of the penal code. The former deems oral and anal sex illegal even between consensual adults and done in private. The latter seeks to prosecute "gross indecency" between two male people. "Gross indecency" here is really not clearly defined. These are stupid laws which really ought to be removed. Anyway, Singapore has done something but that still made me quite pissed off. Now they want to make it legal for heterosexual couples to have oral and anal sex but they keep it as that. This right does not cover us. This is discrimination, really. Some argued that they don't have to remove this stupid law because lately, these laws have not been used against any of us. But if it is redundant to remove because it's not been used, why is it removed only for the heterosexuals since they were never used on them as well? Furthermore, if something is of no use at all, why keep it?

Then our dear Daddy said the government won't discriminate against gay people who work in the public sector. But now they maintain that it is illegal for us to have any form of sex. Oral and anal sex are violations against section 377. Even a handjob is gross indecency and can be charged under 377A. I think even if we feel so pathetic that we just jerk off on our own in the presence of our partners, we'll still be considered grossly indecent and charged under 377A just as well. Screwed up law. Heterosexuals can hump like rabbits all night and now they can have several orifices to choose from, and WE can't do anything legally. Singapore just doesn't make sense. So now, they enforce that all gay people who work in the public sector have to be virgins? If not, they're criminals. Hooray we have criminals as civil servants! Don't forget the police is also part of the civil service. How come they allow non-virgin gay people in the police force, then? What about conscription? We get criminals to defend the nation? And those who're posted to SPF - criminals as cops too?

Screw the law.

Anyway it's really very much decided that I'll leave this place eventually. The society is just oppressive. The government is unsupportive and backward. This nation is not going to move forward if nothing is done. So much for schoolchildren singing "Mahjulah Singapura" every morning. Singapore is really NOT going to move forward. Wake up your bloody idea politicians! We are adults and we know what we're doing. We just like to do certain things in our bedrooms behind closed doors and within four walls - who are YOU idiots to govern which way we want to poke? We don't need anyone to teach us "the correct way to have sex". My mum told me that this society is not suitable for me, and said she has nothing against it if I decide to go somewhere else, even if it means she won't be seeing me as often, if that is a place which suits me better. I love my mother. I really do. The Singapore government should learn what's right and what's wrong. I was ranting to Yeekai and Koony about the idiocy in changing the laws just for the pampered heterosexuals. I mentioned about my decision to leave Singapore and Koony said if we want something changed, we should stand up and voice our opinions. Yes, I agree. But this monarchy is so rigid that we can't even talk. If you want to say something about gay people in public, make sure you're insulting them. Then the government will have nothing against you. But if you even try to bring up the issue on how we are freaking marginalised and deprived of our rights, you are simply "promoting the gay lifestyle" and the government will make your life very very difficult. What's up now, darlings? We can never tell anyone how badly we're suffering in this shitty society. Having no rights is not the end of it, you see. We can't even talk and share our misery.

So I've decided. Unless Singapore legalises gay marriage and repeals 377 and 377A entirely, I AM leaving for sure.

On a happier note, I had a lot of fun during my last Spanish class. We had a presentation which is really a skit. We spoke Spanish for the entire duration and it was really cool. It was a night full of laughter. We took so many photos and I can say it's a very emotional moment when the tutor thanked us for putting in so much effort and praised us for the improvement that we've shown. My skit has quite a ridiculous plot. I work as a teacher and I have a girlfriend (erm... that's Español Nightmare). So this day I was walking with her and my mother and we met a fireman on the street. The fireman just talked to us out of the sudden and we introduced ourselves and our jobs. Out of the blue, the fireman said that EN was pretty and EN decided to break up with me (yay). I asked why, and she started insulting me and comparing fireman to me, saying how he's much more superior. Then mummy counter-argued and said I'm better. After a while, I stopped the argument and suggested that we all have dinner together. Mother then invited fireman to our house for dinner since it's his birthday. Meanwhile, fireman got a call from the fire station and I played a second role as the person at the other end of the line. It's a call from the fire station telling him that there's a house on fire. I described the house to him and gave him the postal code. Then fireman realised the location is very close to my (first character's) house and asked mother about the characteristics about the house. We all nodded and he finally asked for our postal code. Then we discovered that it's our house that's on fire. And it ended there. Ok it's a really silly story but what's important is that we had fun! The class laughed a lot, and we totally enjoyed ourselved.

Some pictures to share:

This is my class picture.

Estos son mi profesor y yo.

This is my presentation team.

I'm weak.

2006-11-06T15:52:00.000+08:00

"Perhaps the weak believe that they are strong"

Perhaps I think I am strong. I really aren't. Through my entire saga with J, I shedded more tears than I could ever have. I AM weak. The worst time was after the phone call last November. It hurt so much that I cried for two days. Yes, even in camp. I just couldn't contain my sorrows. Then, all the ambiguity continued all the way even until now. Sometimes, things he does can make me feel very bad. And I'll just weep silently. Sometimes when I decide to talk things out with him over the phone, I'll feel tears welling up in my eyes. I just can't control my emotions. But there's no wrong in crying. So what if I keep crying these days; so what if I'm weak? It's my way of expressing my feelings other than repressing them. I feel it's much healthier this way.

I'm 21.

2006-11-02T01:01:00.000+08:00

People always regard their 21st birthday as the most important birthday. There're always big celebrations and parties... But I prefer to spend my 21st birthday quietly. Quite oddly, my 21st birthday is the least happening birthday I've had so far. But it's the best. I spent my night with J. Had dinner and a lot of fun together at his cafe. And we got ourselves a pair of tshirts of the same design. Heh. Sweet. :-)

Thanks to those who remember, and SMSed. Kaiyuan the diva is always late. Late even for wishing happy birthday. Haha! But it's ok.

Der Mut.

2006-10-28T13:37:00.000+08:00

Wir beide benötigen den Mut, zu glauben, dass wir zusammen sein werden. Dieses Mal entscheide ich mutig zu lieben. Dieses Mal sehe ich mit dir die Zukunft.

Dinner at Doc Cheng's!

2006-10-28T01:28:00.000+08:00

Had dinner at Doc Cheng's with TY tonight. Very nice ambience and very nice food as well! We shared a the 6-course degustation menu and an additional main and dessert. Everything was simply perfect. Wish J was there. I talked to J abt tonight's dinner, and asked whether he wanted to join us. Too bad he was busy with another friend's birthday. It's quite a coincidence. He has 2 other friend whose birthdays fall on the same day as mine. Heh. So I guess he won't be free for me on my birthday. Ugh. But it's ok! I don't view birthday as a very big occasion....

The 6-course degustation was fantastic. First course consisted of 2 oysters.

1 was served with passion fruit sauce and the other was deep fried.

It's indeed very nice to have oysters as a first course. It's my favourite starter, really. TY doesn't like fruits, somehow, for reasons I don't understand. So she took the deep fried one. Actually, even if she didn't say she doesn't like fruits, I'd also have picked the one with passion fruit. I really like the taste of passion fruit. I can still remember the passion fruit tiramisu I had at Fullerton years ago. It's really the best tiramisu I've ever had. Too bad they've already stopped it. I don't know why.

Now, this is the oyster which I chose. The passion fruit sauce was well done, except that the oyster wasn't very fleshy. The best oyster I've had so far was at Ritz-Carlton. It's extremely fat and big. Really gigantic oysters. I had close to a dozen that time. Something about degustation menus is that they give you enough time to slowly finish every course and have a good chat over the meal. The chefs take a lot of time to prepare every single dish. Further to that, it's indeed beneficial for us that TY actually works at Raffles Hotel. The staff at Doc Cheng's all know her and we were given 2 glasses of complimentary champagne. Excellent service. Very pleased. Besides that, we were also given a platter of the famous Naan bread served with butter and a special yoghurt sauce. The taste is very different from those I tried elsewhere. Just a few days ago I was at Muthu's Curry with my uncle and aunt. They came to Singapore for a few days so I accompanied them and had a taste of all the local delights. Muthu's was one of our destinations. We ordered a lot of Naan at Muthu's and they were very ordinary. Nothing much on the Indian emphasis on spices. The Naan at Doc Cheng's, however, has a very strong taste of Indian spices. I don't know which is authentic, though. But I personally prefer the one at Doc Cheng's. The spices make the Naan unique from Roti Prata. Really. Without spices, I think the difference is really marginal.

The second course was quite a surprise. Actually it shouldn't have been, since I already knew that Doc Cheng's is a fusion restaurant. It is, in fact, the first fusion restaurant in Singapore. This is a tuna tempura, made with much creativity. The tuna was served "sashimi-style", in that it was completely raw; while the nori wrap was dipped in tempura batter and deep fried. The result was superficially a maki-sushi done tempura style and an interior of warm tuna sashimi. It's really quite different eating sashimi warm. It's a different sensation. And the crispness of the tempura nori wrap contrasted against the soft and succulent tuna sashimi inside was simply fabulous. This dish was served with Thai-styled mangoes with a prepared with a uniquely Thai-flavoured lemongrass marinade. Seriously, I did not expect this when I read the menu. It was simply described as a tuna tempura, or something along that line. I didn't expect raw tuna. I'd say it's a pleasant surprise. This fusion works.

Third course was a Peking duck wrap. Pretty ordinary, I would say, apart from the Thai salad accompaniment. The wrap was done in the traditional Peking duck way. Although it looks really like a sushi, it is not. I couldn't tell what the dark coloured exterior of the wrap was made of. It didn't seem to be nori. It doesn't matter though. It tastes good. Not outstanding. Just simply good, as for any other Peking duck. The meat was tender and skin was oily. Sauce inside the wrap was typically Peking. Very telling.

Moving on to the fourth course, we had a deep fried soft shell crab. It had a very appealing aroma which reminded me of the chicken chop I had in Taiwan. I suspect the same spices were used. It is very important for a dish to taste as good as it smells. This one did not disappoint me. Not only did it taste good and spicy, the crab was also juicy. A marvellous creation. These are the four starter courses which we had. Following the starters, we were served our mains. Well, we chatted really a lot over starters. It was an enjoyable talk about our personal experiences (guys) and problems (guys). Learnt a lot from her. :-)

After a bit of waiting and sipping on champagne, we were served our mains. I had a rack of lamb and TY had a beef tenderloin.

My rack of lamb was accompanied by a truffled mashed potato which was an epicurean delight. Truffles are expensive and they are often found in French cuisine. They are so highly priced because of their unique taste and rarity. The ones used in my potatoes were white truffles. White ones are more common than the black ones. Black truffles are only available for a very short period of time in the year and when they're available, they're often sold at exorbitant prices. They have a very strong flavour which means just a little bit of it is required to affect the taste of the entire dish. In my mashed potatoes, I could actually bite on a small piece of the white truffle and the fragrance immediately filled my mouth. It was so rich, and the combination of the tastes of truffles and potatoes is really good. I didn't know they make such a seamless match. The lamb was medium-rare. Soft, tender and strongly flavoured by the sauce. I just had nothing to criticise about it.

After our mains, we were served our desserts. I had cider poached apples and TY had a "....." chocolate. The name was really too long. It's basically a jasmine scented chocolate dessert accompanied by a lemon (?) sorbet with sago in coconut milk.I had a little bite of it and it's really quite an experience. The jasmine integrated into the mild chocolate which is richly chocolatey but totally unobtrusive. Since TY mentioned to the staff that she's celebrating my birthday with me in advance when she made the booking, they prepared a slice of chocolate cake for me, which was really quite unique because it's actually made of 7 different layers. I could identify distinctively a sponge cake layer, a chocolate mousse layer and a chocolate truffle layer. It's very decadent. Sinful. Anyway, in contrast to the jasmine chocolate dessert which TY ordered, the chocolate cake was indeed a lot richer. However, the taste is too strong that it makes me a little sick of it after a while. We shared the slice. It was decorated with very nicely made chocolate sheets which kind of reminded me of those beta-pleated sheets in proteins (ugh!). Anyway, nice cake.

This is the cider poached apple which I ordered. I ordered because I make poached apples. The difference is that I make them with red wine. This one is made with cider. It's a different approach, and it gives a different dimension to the dessert as well. Making it with cider gives the apple a fresher and more crisp taste, as compared to the strongly alcoholic taste when making it with wine. One thing never leaves the equation - cinnamon. No matter how an apple dessert is made, cinnamon is always added. This is no exception. I think apple plus cinnamon is the best combination one can achieve.

Well... That concludes my night at Doc Cheng's! We started the dinner at 7.30pm and we left the place at 11.30pm. Talked really a lot and took our time to enjoy the really splendid dinner. Great night. :-)

Public Education

2006-10-24T21:40:00.000+08:00

I get exceptionally angry everytime I enter a public toilet cubicle, looking at the toilet seat covered with urine. While there is already enough public education on safe sex, why not better education on the proper use of THE organ in the name of social graciousness? If you can't aim, lift the seat. If you can't aim and can't lift the seat, just sit down and piss! It's not wrong to pee sitting! Argh idiots.

I'm really going to print posters to educate the boys in hall. Really going to paste them inside the cubicles. Can't stand it anymore. Much inconvenience.

Somehow, I'm glad.

2006-10-20T22:34:00.000+08:00

Recently J and I talked a lot. These few weeks have not been very kind to us. First was his hospitalised friend who took up really a lot of his time. I didn't have that much time with him and naturally, I was quite upset. And it really didn't help that I discovered about someone else, who's potentially standing between us. I questioned J so many times that I wonder where he got all the patience from, to not flare up at me. I mean, within 3 days I can ask him 5 times, different ways to ask the same question: are you seeing anyone else?

He only had one answer: NO.

When asked about us, about the possibility of a future together, he only said he's not ready. He said it's not the right time for it. Today I asked him the same question which I asked a whole year ago, after clearing my doubts about the potential in-betweener. I asked whether it's me or it's really the time.

He's certain it's the time. As for me, he doesn't know yet. He feels good; he enjoys my company. We talked a lot tonight. I mentioned about my expectations in a relationship, be it friendship or more. I really just need an open channel for communication. We need to communicate. I hate guessing, and thinking too much. It accumulates negativities and I can't concentrate. There were times when it was so bad that I attended my parents' anniversary dinner with a long and black face. I had attended a lecture without my soul, only wandering around in my thoughts throughout the 2 hours. I never made a sound, and it sure did affect my peers. I apologised after. And I told them I hoped I could sort things out in my own solitude for a while and concentrate better at the lab. I told Alvin that day, that I want to be the one doing all the procedures. I needed to divert my attention.

That day, I called him. I told him about my latent fears and insecurities. He's very understanding. He told me not to think too much. It's really just my being paranoid. I believed. I trust him.

But recently, things went a bit ugly because the in-betweener surfaced again and I couldn't control my thoughts. I just had the feeling that he's lying to me and making use of all that I'm always willing to give, unconditionally. I became very upset. I met him today but didn't talk too much. All because I felt really bad. When I reached home, I had an SMS conversation with KY and he told me to call him and talk about my suspicions and clear my mind. I did. Although there're things that he's certainly hiding from me, I trust that the rest are true. He told me how much it'll hurt him if he loses me, and how he would rather hurt anyone else than to hurt me. It made me feel important.

That's not all, and that's not the aim of my post tonight.

Once, my drag ex-colleague told me that if I insist on going on with J, it will be a lot of waiting and disappointments because if this is a game, J knows the rules much better than I do. And he said I'll learn a very important lesson from my thing with him. I guess what I've learnt so far, and which I value the most, is to be brave in my expression. I was never able to do that. But through this experience with him, I've gradually learnt to express my emotions more freely. We can talk over this issue very openly. And I really respect his character. I love him. But now it's not the time for him to talk about that. Officially and formally, no matter how I should look at us, we're still just friends. Between friends, and knowing that I really DO love him, he can still talk to me face to face regarding our issues. I applaud that. Tonight over the phone, he said "I know you really like me a lot" and I stopped breathing. He's TOO forward.

I respect him for that. Really. See. I've never had such open talks with someone I like, or love for that matter. Well, even if I'm on the receiving end, I won't be able to handle as well as him. Look at how I freaked out at Español Nightmare. I really can't handle. In fact, I think I was too cruel to her. Ellwyn was right. I think I should apologise.

EN: Tienes novia?
I was very very stunned. But I knew I must make things clear since she's asking.
Me: No, no tengo novia. Pero tengo novio.

It must have killed her. She thought I was kidding. But I said I was serious. I thought it's too awkward and I didn't know what to do. It's just stupid to convince her that I wasn't kidding. So I just whipped out my phone and called J, while she walked very silently beside me. I didn't even glance at her. I think it must have sucked. See, I'm really lousy at handling this kind of issues. J is at least kind.

After all, although we're just friends, somehow, I still feel glad.

I Believe.

2006-10-15T10:52:00.000+08:00

I chose to believe him. He said nothing is happening and he's just too busy. I believe.

2006-10-14T13:07:00.000+08:00

从前的温柔，依赖
一切如虚如幻
是一场梦？
还是真的爱过？

现在的付出，忍耐
所有真真假假
是我多心？
还是狼藉时分？

将来的理想，愉快
那些甜言蜜语
逢场作戏？
还是你我承诺？

一生的幸福，感慨
每每辗转难眠
是我期待？
还是确实存在？

付出的，很多很多。你的心到底在想些什么？

无条件的付出
无止境的等待
无理智的相信
爱，应该就是这样的吧。

但教心似金钿坚
天上人间会相见
临别殷勤重寄词
词中有誓两心知

我说过我会等。我继续等。别让我后悔。

So it's my fault?

2006-10-14T12:59:00.000+08:00

He said I'm just paranoid.
He said he's just busy.
He said he's not ready.
He said nothing's wrong.
He said it's not me. It's just not the right time.
Should I still believe?

Soll ich?

2006-10-10T10:51:00.000+08:00

Es ist wirklich sehr schmerzlich, ihn zu lieben. Ich weiß nicht, ob wir wahrscheinlich eine schöne Ende haben werden. Hat er mir die Wahrheit gesagt? Oder hat er mir immer gelogen? Ich habe zu viel Zweifel. Ich brauche seine Versprechungen und Segen. Warum kann ich nicht mehr in Ruhe spüren? Es gibt gute Zeit und das macht mich froh. Ich freue mich an den Tag, wenn wir in ein ewigen seligen Leben. Aber wir mussen da zusammen gehen. Und wenn wir da erreichen, sollen wir da für immer zusammen bleiben. Das ist, was ich will. Aber er macht mich ziemlich weh. Ich hoffe alles er sagt ist wahr. Ich liebe ihn noch. Sehr viel. Aber wenn die Liebe so schmerzlich und schwierig ist, soll ich schließlich alles aufgeben?

Ich will nicht glauben was ich glaube, wenn es die Hoffnung in mir tötet. Ich weiß nicht. Heute ist ein schlechter Tag.

Die Liebe...

2006-09-27T18:52:00.000+08:00

Manchmal muss mann denken, was die Liebe bedeutet? Eins von diesen Tagen verstand ich es. Ich war an seinem Haus und wartete ich für ihn zu aufstehen. Es war nur 8 Uhr, wenn ich da erreichte. Er war noch im Bett und ich setzten in der Halle nur. Er bat mich, ihn um halb 10 Uhr zu rufen, damit er aufstehen wird. Deswegen setze ich da, und ich wartete da. Bis 2 Stunden später, wenn es schon 10 Uhr war. Ich dachte, dass es nicht zu früh war, zu rufen ihn. Also ging ich in seinem Schlafzimmer und sah ihn in seinem Bett, nach das ihn zu aufstehtrufen. Er öffnetet seine Augen und murmeltet mir, dass er mehr Schlaf benötigt. Ich war ein bisschen verärgert. Hallo?!? Ich blieb und wartete da für so lange, und jetzt sagte er mir, dass er mehr Schlaf noch benötigt?! Also wird er schlaft an... Und ich müsste warte an. Himmel... Dann wartete ich mehr, und wartete ich an. Ich ging noch einmal in seinem Schlafzimmer um 11 Uhr und versuchte wieder, ihn zu aufstehen. Aber ich hatte verloren. Er versprochen, dass er 30 Minuten mehr höchstens schlafen wird... Ich dachte das war in Ordnung, und ich ließ von seinem Zimmer. Da setze ich in der Halle, ich mir dachte, was die Liebe bedeutet? Muss es immer so schwer sein, jemand zu liebe? So viel zu aufgeben, so viel zu verstehen, so viel zu tun? Manchmal tun sie mich ziemlich weh. Und manchmal die Pein fallt mir wirklich nicht leicht. Ich liebe ihn, aber ich möchte keine Pein haben. Ich hoffe, dass Liebe nicht Schmerzen bedeutet. Liebe sollt schön sein.

Amazing Dinner

2006-09-23T19:00:00.000+08:00

My dinner was great.

Found this at Cold Storage. Super big. Thought it must be good so I bought it.

15min later, it became this:

Big mushroom stuffed with chives and onions cream cheese, bacon bits and topped with a slice of emmenthal cheese. Grill in a convection oven for 10min, preheated at 180 deg C. Gourmet for the lazy. =) Fantastic.

New!!

2006-09-23T17:07:00.000+08:00

Getting new phone! Got new laptop!

I'm going to get J to design nice wallpapers for my laptop and handphone! Meeting him again on Monday... :-D

Ich weiß, dass ich ihm nichts nicht bedeute. Er weiß, dass ich ihn liebe. Alles ist gut, also wir sollten nicht die schöne Zukunft aufgeben. Diese Tagen bin ich beschäftig. Aber ich habe die Zeit gefunden, ihn zu begleiten. Wirklich, nichts ist schlechter als eine Welt ohne ihn. Anderen Tag sagte er mir, dass er noch ein bisschen Pein fühlt, wenn er an seinen ex-Freund denkt. Sofort dachte ich an den Morgen, an den er mir anrief hat und am Telefon mir schrie hat. Ich weiß nicht wieso. Aber ich weiß, dass als dem Tag ich mich und auch (heimlich in mir) ihm versprochen hatte, dass er nicht ein anderen Grund finden wird, zu schrei wieder. Am Montag werde ich ihn wieder sehen. Ich hoffe, dass ich den Mut finden kann, ihm über meine Hoffnung zu reden. Eigentlich jede Abschied war schwer. Wir wird uns unendlich anschauen und für lange nichts sagen. Gestern wollte ich ihn küssen, wenn ich seine Augen anschaute. Aber ich tat das nicht. Wir waren am Bushalt, an dem viele Leute standen...

Started bad; Ended well.

2006-08-31T00:30:00.000+08:00

Today started really bad. I was supposed to meet Mum at Jurong Point for breakfast then bring her to visit my hall. But she was late. Argh. Then after seeing my hall, I went off to meet KY for his dance performance tickets. He told me he'll be at the Quad so I went over there, thinking that there'll be lots of time after getting the tickets since my tutorial was going to be at my school, which is near the Quad. But when I reached, I got his message saying that he's having lunch somewhere else, so I called him. Found out that he's at NIE, where my hall is. So I walked back to NIE to look for him. When I reached, he searched his entire bag but couldn't find the tickets. He left them at home......... Heh. But it's okay. I made him buy me coffee and I skipped the tutorial cos it was already too late to rush back to my school.

So I skipped school today and went to meet J. We agreed to meet at 3pm after his swim. But he got splashed by a passing car again (don't know why this always happens to him) so he went back home to wash up. He called me to tell me to take my time because he'll be late. OK. I ended up waiting in town until 6 plus...

After meeting, we decided to quickly go to Heeren to dry him up (haha) and clean his shoes... He saw a NUM tshirt and liked it a lot. I said it's too expensive and not worth buying so I told him not to buy. Then we left Heeren and went on to Tang's to look for his friend, a perfume promoter who'll spray perfume for him at no cost. On the way, he kept talking about the tshirt and how much he liked it. I insisted that he should control his spendings. But in the end I decided to buy it for him. So we went on to walk around town and pretended to be tourists. He thought it's too difficult and confusing speaking funny self-invented languages so he decided that I should be the tourist and he'll play the host. After a few nationalities, I ended up a HKer. Haha! We went to Tang's speaking Cantonese. His Canto is really damn funny.

After Tang's, we went to look for nice food. I wanted to bring him to Marmalade Pantry but it was raining and it's really quite an unsheltered distance from Tang's. So we settled for a restaurant at Wheelock. We went to Wheelock without knowing what to expect. We just walked through the entire building to look for something nice. Ended up at this restaurant called "Sun with Moon", a VERY nice Japanese restaurant with really great ambience. The food was also fantastic. He took so many pictures. He ordered a salmon steak which was served with CHOPSTICKS (truly Japanese) and I ordered a beef with foie gras rice, which was heavenly. So good that we shared the portion because he couldn't resist the aroma. We also got ourselves a sushi platter, and a plate of tuna sashimi. Tell you, the food there is really fantastic. He was so happy with the dinner...

After dinner, we went back to Heeren to get his NUM tshirt. Then we popped over to his Godma's place to sit for a while. After that we decided to take a stroll down Orchard Road to Dhoby Ghaut. On the way, we saw Giraffe from afar and he thought it would be nice to get a drink there. So we crossed the road from PS and sat at the bar. Got a glass of Merlot (which the waiter misheard as "Milo") each. We were just laughing at how stupid everything was and I told him about my Spanish lessons, which are totally hilarious. He thought the place was romantic. Actually it is. With all the flowing water and little tealights by the entrance... Well, we talked a little about the future at Giraffe. He said he's waiting for me to finish my degree so that we can go somewhere else - leave Singapore. It's a thought I've always had, but just quite shaky. It's such a big unknown out there. I don't know... But if he wants, I think I'll really leave.

Hello Trevvy!

2006-08-28T00:31:00.000+08:00

As Pluto left the original nine planets of our solar system after the redefinition of the term "planet", leaving us with only eight planets, SGBoy has also become a thing of the past. Welcome the all-new portal, Trevvy. Trevvy is the next generation of SGBoy, with a less kiddy interface and a built-in IM function. Hmm... Many are criticising Trevvy because of its speed. But hey, it's still in its beta stage and so much have not been finalised yet. I think the webmasters have done a pretty decent job in developing Trevvy. It really looks better than SGBoy. Although there really are some annoying bugs here and there, I believe they'll eventually be fixed.

OK. So what's so good about Trevvy? It's better than SGBoy because:

1. It's called Trevvy. Talking about SGBoy in public attracts too much attention. All thanks to the portal SGGirls (with or without "s"? I don't know...) which is so damn popular among the Y-chromosomes. People just relate SGBoy to 歪-chromosomes, which is true anyway... Too gay. Trevvy, on the other hand, does not imply anything. So it's relatively safer to talk about in public.

2. Less sex-oriented interface. The cutesy and fluffy interface of SGBoy makes people think it's a sex portal. Trevvy looks cleaner and more decent.

3. It's a novelty. Staying with SGBoy for too long bores me. Trevvy is new and it promises new features such as the IM function which I haven't tried. PLUS the RED package which is like a bonus pack for those aged between 18-24. Heh. More perks!

4. It's getting commercialised. Why is that good? I can see the next Fridae coming. It's healthy competition. Fridae used to have this handphone logo thing during the Nokia 3210 era which allowed members to enjoy special discounts at certain places. I used it once at SENSES Fusion Restaurant at Esplanade. 15% discount if I'm not wrong. But it has already closed down and Fridae has stopped the programme. It's only offering special deals to members by word-of-mouth promotions and exclusive free movie passes. It's quite easy to get the movie passes. Just reply to their email and they'll issue a pair. I've got them so many times already. Word-of-mouth promotions are also not bad. Earlier on they had this promotion for Venue, a boutique selling unique and limited edition stuff, including Puma Stark shoes... See, Fridae IS commercialised. So it has commercial connections. It has a lot to offer to members. SGBoy wasn't. It's just a simple inner-circle kind of community portal. Trevvy, however, is getting commercialised and the founder is a lot closer to the members than Fridae CEO is. He takes our feedbacks and acts on them. With the commercialisation of Trevvy, I believe we're going to enjoy more benefits! Heh. I look forward to the convenience of a Trevvy membership card to flash around for discounts.

Anyway, whatever changed in Trevvy, SGBoyX still remains. The forum lives on, and gossips still go on!

Oh yes, had dinner with J. Supposed to club with him but his friend wasn't feeling well so he can't go. And we both don't know the way... So I ended up going back to hall and he, home. He's on off on Wednesday and I'm going to meet him. Feel like bringing him on a food exploration trip around Singapore! We were at his godmother's (who happened to be male) restaurant for dinner and he made us a special meal to share. A salad and a chicken wrap. J loved the lettuce but they were too big for the fork so he used his hands to eat. I just looked blankly at him and he said he's like that, and taking him to a fanciful restaurant will just be a waste of money and an embarrassment for me. Heh. I think it's refreshing to see someone SO comfortable being himself in a fanciful restaurant though... Anyway, I also tried to fold the lettuce like he did and ate with my hands. Ended up with the salad ingredients leaking from the lettuce, dropping all over the plate. Yup. So I decided not to go to Marmalade Pantry with him on Wednesday. It's a place I really love and I'd really love to bring him there once. But he seems more at ease at more ordinary places. Anyway, I saw a few nice-looking eateries by the roadside when I took a bus from home to Orchard. I think I can try them with him on Wednesday. See what he prefers!

And yes, we were at a jewelry shop looking for a birthday gift for his aunt. Then he went to look at wedding rings and said to me that he will ask his future husband to buy him the biggest one, at least 2 carats. -_-" A pair of 2-carat diamond rings can bankrupt the average employee..........

All-time Favourite Canto Songs!

2006-08-25T16:56:00.000+08:00

There are a few canto songs which I really love. They're quite old, but really nice.

明星 - 张国荣

当你见到天上星星
可有想起我
可有记得当年我的脸
曾为你更比星星笑得多

当你记起当年往事
你又会如何
可会轻轻凄然叹喟
怀念我在你心中照耀过

我像那银河星星
让你默默爱过
更让那柔柔光辉
为你解痛楚

当你见到光明星星
请你想想起我
当你见到星河灿烂
求你在心中记住我

海阔天空 - Beyond

今天我寒夜里看雪飘过
怀着冷却了的心窝飘远方
风雨里追赶
雾里分不清影踪
天空海阔你与我
可会变

多少次迎着冷眼与嘲笑
从没有放弃过心中的理想
一霎那恍惚
若有所失的感觉
不知不觉已变淡
心里爱

原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由
也会怕有一天会跌到
背弃了理想
谁人都可以
哪会怕有一天只你共我

仍然自由自我
永远高唱我歌
走遍千里

Español Nightmare

2006-08-22T21:32:00.000+08:00

What can be worse than being picked up by a girl in your Spanish class? Gosh. She made me save her number. Fine. From now on she's called Español Nightmare in my phone.

Anyway, I wore my only NUM tee to lessons today, hoping that I won't have to face Español Nightmare again. When I went to collect my EZ-Link card at the Student Affairs Office, the lady at the counter greeted me with a BIIG smile. When I walked over, she said "Wow! That's a really bold t-shirt you're wearing." I just smiled back. Being so outward and eager to comment on my t-shirt, I guess she must either be a big-time fag hag or a dyke. Pick one. Koonie chose dyke. I believe so too.

=) Decode!

2006-08-20T18:14:00.000+08:00

1.

大江东去浪淘尽千古风流人物故垒西边人道是三国周郎赤壁乱石崩云惊涛拍岸卷起千堆雪江山如画一时多少豪杰

遥想公瑾当年小乔初嫁了雄姿英发羽扇纶巾谈笑间墙橹灰飞烟灭故国神游多情应笑我早生华发人生如梦一樽还酹江月

2.

纤云弄巧飞星传恨银汉迢迢暗度
金风玉露一相逢
便胜却人间无数

柔情似水佳期如梦忍顾鹊桥归路
两情若是久长时
又岂在朝朝暮暮

3.

。。。
春寒赐浴华清池温泉水滑洗凝脂
侍儿扶起娇无力始是新承恩泽时
。。。

=D

Ich werde gebohrt...

2006-08-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.
(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)
While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

What Type of Ex Are You?

Finally back at home!

2006-08-18T15:49:00.000+08:00

After a week in hall, studiously completing all the tutorials, I'm finally back at home to relax for the weekend. Relaxing is quite an abstract idea. It just means no school to me. Besides, there's nothing really relaxing about staying away from school. Life still goes on as usual. I still have to work for the dough. Tuition for the entire weekend. Oh yes, I got a new tuition job after registering with an agency months ago. AND this world is SO freaking small - the agency was started by my roommate. I'm going crazy, all these weird things always happen around me. Coincidence after coincidence. Should I still believe in science and logic?? Ok, Singapore is small, but really not THAT small, is it??

Mathematic geniuses, I'll post this question and try to solve for me.

Basing on up-to-date Singapore demography, what is the probability of having a roommate who:

1. Was in your BMT platoon (assume 45 people in a platoon, 4 platoons in a company and 3 companies per intake, 3 intakes per wave of enlistment)
2. Was in your SISPEC section (assume 10 people a section, 3 sections a platoon, 3 platoons a company, 5 companies per intake)
3. Is the one behind the tuition agency who got you a job. (assume only people 18-30 years old will start a tuition agency, and there are 100 agencies in Singapore. BIG assumption)

I think I can win 4D or TOTO with this kind of strange luck.

Anyway, I'm learning Spanish in school. Fun language to learn!

First Night in Hall!

2006-08-14T00:58:00.000+08:00

Ok now I'm in hall, blogging with my roommate's laptop. This place is not bad. Air-conditioned, heh. Just packed my room and did bits of a tutorial. Had a lovely shower and a friendly cute hall-mate said "hi" to me in the toilet. Cheap-thrill. He's in Engine. Hmm... Definitely not the typical engineer look. I guess I'll see him around in hall quite often! Looks like my hall is quite promising... Saw a cute guy running up and down a corridor in singet on my first day and now, got "hi"ed by a cute guy in the toilet. Woooh! =) I sleep in bliss.

Jede Zeit ist Kaffeezeit!

2006-08-02T16:20:00.000+08:00

HK trip was fruitful in that I had lots of great time with TY and also acquired 2 very important additions to my hi tea collection. Kenya AA and Gouda. Being too bored at home today, and feeling that caffeine is the only way to kill my boredom, I went straight to the kitchen and brewed myself a cup of one of the world's finest coffees. For those who don't know coffees, here's a brief introduction of the supreme gourmet coffees.

On top of the list is Kopi Luwak. This coffee, found only in Sumatra, is unique because of its origin. Prices are sky-high and that also set it apart from the rest of the coffee beans. Quarter-pound portions of this variety are going at USD70. Well, the origin of this bean may sound scary to some, but those who're adventurous enough might love it. Connoisseurs say Kopi Luwak has a unique fragrance that is fruity/floral (?) and no other bean can even come close to it. Also comes with a spicy tinge of acidic crispness ("acidic" when used to describe coffees, is not related to sourness. More closely linked to the freshness of the beans). Alright. The story goes like this: In coffee plantations in Sumatra exists a species of civet cat which picks only the best and ripest coffee beans as its diet. Its digestive system, however, cannot fully digest the coffee beans and the ingested beans, as a result, are excreted half-digested. The journey of the beans through the cat's digestive system enhances the flavour of the bean because of the unique enzymes that break down the bitter-tasting compounds inside the beans and also soften the coat of the coffee beans for better results in roasting, bringing out the full flavours of the beans which are usually locked deep inside the beans. So coffee planters collect the faeces of these civet cats and extract the undigested beans from within, wash them and roast them. Yield is minimal. There's presently no market for this type of coffee in Singapore.

Ranked below Kopi Luwak is Jamaican Blue Mountain. This coffee is known for its mild flavours and lack of bitterness. They're grown in the Blue Mountains in Jamaica. It has been established internationally that only the real Blue Mountain beans can be labelled as "Jamaican Blue Mountain". And being approved as authentic Blue Mountain beans means passing stringent requirements set by some coffee board in Jamaica. There is a small market for Jamaican Blue Mountain in Singapore. You can actually find them in cafes such as Coffee Club and TCC. They're going at around $10 per cup, as compared to the regular $5 per cup of other coffees.

Kenya AA is a looser classification in gourmet coffees. While it is, also, unique to a specific region of coffee production, it is nevertheless a classification based on bean size. Unlike Jamaican Blue Mountain, which is a classification based on overall quality, this Kenyan AA classification is a grading for milled coffee beans which belong to the largest sized category. Although size is definitely a sign of quality, there are many more other factors which determine the overall quality of the coffee. Hence, one can obtain Kenya AA at many different places; while they may all be graded the same, the resulting quality of the brewed coffee may vary greatly.

OK. So TY got me Kenya AA. From the smell of it, I know it must be good stuff. After brewing it for the first time last week, it became a confirmed fact. Thanks TY. Anyway, one really cannot be stingy with coffee grounds. When you need 2 teaspoons of ground coffee, you REALLY need 2 teaspoons. When the extraction process takes 4min, you REALLY need to stand and watch the French Press for 4min. Water temperature is another factor to consider. The first cup of Kenya AA I made was a waste. Such high quality beans gone to waste like that. OK I did scoop 2 teaspoons but the coffee was still too weak. That's underextraction. I only extracted for 3min, with around 80 deg C water. The ideal is around 85-93 deg C... The next cup was made with around 95 deg C water and extracted in a French Press for 4min. It was heaven. Today, I did the same, just that I tried to save up the beans by using 1.5tsp. Argh. Failed. 2tsp is really the minimum. Just stick to it next time! Ended up making another cup with 2tsp of ground coffee. Wasted!!

This is the bag of Kenya AA TY gave me. Love it SOOOO much!

Extraction in progress... 1 cup only!

Oh well, what is the best accompaniment for coffee? I've tried biscuits, crackers and a lot of other things. But those are just unexciting. My favourite combination so far is still coffee with cheese. Especially strong ones like blue cheeses. My favourite cheese so far is none other than Camembert. I believe no one doesn't like Camembert. But Camembert isn't that common a cheese. TY gave me a wedge of Gouda. Well, Gouda didn't give me a very good impression when I was young. I thought it's an old cheese, hard and rocky. It's really supposed to be quite hard, though, but the aroma in THIS Gouda is irresistible. It goes really quite well with the Kenya AA.

A wedge of Gouda...

I enjoyed the coffee and cheese so much that I had to SMS TY immediately.

Me: Hey Kenya AA plus Gouda is ORGASMIC!
TY: Haha.. Is it really that good?
Me: Yes! Can eat everyday man! Haha! With such good snacks, who needs sex?

Pardon the language, we're obscene people. But in fact the cheese was obscenely good.

As I was having this epicurean orgasm, I listened to this newly pirated German song. I started listening to German songs a few years ago, when I was randomly blog-surfing and came across the lyrics to this song, "Du hast mein Herz gebrochen" (You have broken my heart) by Yvonne Catterfeld, a German pop singer. I went to search for a few of her songs and learnt a bit of German from there. Yah, listening to songs does help learn a language. This newly pirated one is quite nice. I flipped the dictionary a few times to get the full meaning of it. Hmm.. I would say I've improved! :-p

Here's "Gefühle" (Feelings) for you!

Seit dem du weg bist, hab ich's nur geahnt
die Freiheit, die ich spür, ist anders geplant.
ein dunkler Engel wacht jetzt über mich
baby, alles was ich fühl', es erscheint in neuem Licht
bitte glaube mir, es fällt mir nicht leicht
immer zu wissen du bist fort, baby
dich gibt's nicht mehr (dich gibt's nicht mehr)
denn für mich ist nun ein Punkt erreicht
ich vermisse dich so sehr

Refrain:

Unsre Gefühle sind so schön, doch tun sie uns oft weh
wenn sie kommen, wenn sie gehn
es ist schwer sie zu verstehn
Gefühle sind so schön, doch tun sie uns oft weh
wenn sie kommen, wenn sie gehn
keine Chance sie zu verstehn

so schön
Gefühle sind so schön

Wenn ich noch manchmal unsre Freunde seh
dann erzähln sie mir von dir
es tut mir immer weh
die Tage kommen und die Zeit steht still
doch wenn ich dich ganz verlier,
ist das wirklich was ich will?
(siehst auch du die Sonne) dort am Horizont?
fragst du dich ob sich ein neuer Anfang lohnt?
(fragst du dich?)
Spürst du was dein Herz dir alles sagen will?
Vertrau' auf dein Gefühl

Das ist das Leben, das ich immer gewünscht habe!

2006-07-30T19:24:00.000+08:00

Gestern ging ich zu einer Geburtstagpartei, und ich traft so viele Freunde. Ich fange an, meine Freunde viel mehr zu schätzen. Wirklich. Freunde machen mich viel mehr fröhlicher. Das Sag soll nie gestorben sein, das sagt 'Die Jungen kommt und dann geht, aber Freunde für immer sind'. Lieben mich, küssen mich, meine liebe Freunde!

Also, an anderen Tag, ging ich zu Mox mit meine anderer zweier Freunde. Wir tranken sehr viel Alkohol. Ok. Nicht so viel, wirklich. Nur KQ und ich, das sehr viel Alkohol tranken. Wenn wir kam zu Mox herein, hatte ich den cute Kellner gesehen, und er bringet uns zu unserer Tisch. Entlang unsere Weg, wir seht zwei Jungen die sich ins Bett küssen. Weil an Mox, gibt es ein großen Bett. Niemand benutzt das Bett an anderer Nacht... Anyway, KY kennt eins von ihnen. Und er ist ziemlich cute! Während der Nacht gesagte ich KY, daß ich ihn zu kennen wünsche. Er ist nur 18... :-p

Lust DOES Ride Over Love

2006-07-29T03:36:00.000+08:00

MOX tonight. Sehr fröhlich. Cute guys. Can't seem to get Mr. 6 and Jer out of my mind just yet. Probably alcohol is ruling my mind right now, quite likely that I'll just forget everything about tonight when I wake up the next morning. Just thinking... Even though I believe in love, love being just suffering through an endless quest for love is not worth all it's supposed to worth. I shouldn't keep myself away from all the men, all the fun. Lust DOES rule, when alcohol is all that's running in your blood. There's no time for love. Yes, Koonie is right. Sex is carnal. It's beyong morals. Screw everything, just have fun.

As much as I know that I still love J as much as ever, I don't want to let myself down. A man asking me for a blowjob is pretty much what I feel quenches my thirst. Love sucks. Always having to think about love sucks even more. Screw hell to morals. Just be decadent. Me.

Gute Nacht!

2006-07-26T17:04:00.000+08:00

I was going out to meet Ellwyn yesterday when I came upon 5 girls in their mid 20s on the train. I was sitting comfortably on the train with my usual cute-guy radar swtiched on and functioning well when these 5 girls came in. They were in uniform and I suppose they were factory girls. There were two empty seats to my left and three on my right. Two of them sat on my left and the other three stood in front of them. They noticed the three empty seats beside me and stared at me, expecting me to move away to accomodate them. I would have moved away if they were more courteous and not expect me to move for them. If they had not taken it as an issue at all, I would have happily gave it to them. Friends know me. I don't like to give things to people who only expects them to be given. It would be different, though, if they do expect those seats and they asked for them. I would still move away. At least do something for what you want. But no - they just stared at me and expected me to give up my seat just like that. I'm sorry but I don't owe them a living.

I mean, what is this? What was going through their minds when they can just stand there and expect a seat? They're young - there's no reason I should give up my seat for them. Moreover - there were three empty seats to my right. Just that sitting there means to be separated from their two other friends with me in between. What's the big deal? If you can't get the best, you can only settle for the second best. So they just stood and stared. Then they started talking in Tamil, with broken English sandwiched in between. One of them said something like "later he don't know what we talking then he piss". I knew they were talking about me. Talking about how I was unwilling to fulfil their expectations. Later on, after some Tamil, they decided to take those three seats beside me, and irritate me as much as they can just to make me regret my choice. I didn't bat an eye. I just sat there and carried on with my cute guy scanning, as if they didn't exist.

I'm really quite used to filtering pests off my sight. With them gesturing to each other in front of me, cross-chatting with me in between, it was a little hard to ignore their existence. But I knew it was a war between civilisation and barbarism. I hate to say this - but their very puerile act of avenging on me for not giving them what they wanted was just babaric. It's uncivilised. It's like taunting me, but without any reaction on my part, I knew I was on my own path, and I was right. They were just merely acting on their instincts to win over when they had no reason to, in the first place. Don't you think their reaction quite closely resembles that of kids who would go ALL THE WAY just to make their friends regret not letting them copy their homework? They're at least 23 years old, I'm dead sure. And they exhibit behaviour that even minors a decade younger might not. How sad.

Probably there comes an argument on social graciousness - one on being gentlemanly, that me, being born biologically male, has to succumb to the evergrowing feminine strength in society? I'm not a fan of this. I do support equality but that is equality in its very essence. The true equality, not one that upsets the balance of anything. While women have fought decades (or centuries?) for women's rights in the society in the name of equality between the genders, they have achieved really great success. Seeing female leaders in all sectors of society and even national leaders is indeed comforting, as the efforts put forth all these while has well been paid off. However, while we look at the importance of sexual indiscrimination by liberating the roles (the traditional, submissive, roles) of women, he must not forget to look at the roles of both genders in an equally indiscriminating light. Just being a woman does not inherently grant you certain privileges in life. Just being a man should not bound me by responsibilities that the society expects of me, which I do not want to bear.

So have we paid too much attention on the weaknesses and the disadvantages of women of today that we have so neglected the psychological imprisonment imposed upon men in general? Men have to hold the door for women; men must not initiate a handshake with women; men have to be the leaders in courtship; men must take care of the women sitting on their right at a dining table; men have to let women take the stairs first if both happen to coincide at the foot of the staircase. Also not forgetting, men have to give in to women when it comes to seats on a train. So, is this what we mean when we talk about gender equality?

I guess most males have no qualms with all these. They get into the women's good books! They're gentlemen, they please the women, and they stand better chances getting a woman. But although biologically I'm a man, I'm not built to entertain women that way. I don't need to get into their good books and so I'm standing in between the two genders and presenting my views on how this idea of being gentleman is SO discriminating. It is really sad. So ladies out their, do your part being a lady, but DON'T expect me to try to please you. I please my boys a lot better. If those factory girls were grunting about my being ungentlemanly, they're investing in the wrong market. If they happened to be obviously gay, the story might unfold in a different manner.

Right now, I shall just sip on my Kenyan AA and chew on a slice of Gouda.

2006-07-25T01:33:00.000+08:00

Ich bin zurück. Wann ich kam am Flughafen an, der erste Gedanke den ich hatte war rufen ihn. Aber er hat nicht mein Ruf geantwortet. An der Nacht rief er mich an. Und wir verreden nur über mein Bleibe in Hong Kong. Im Ruf verreden nicht wir über uns. Er sagte mir, daß er in Orchard arbeite, und er bat mich zu treffen für das Mittagessen. Selbstverständlich, ich zustimmte. Also gestern trafen wir uns in Orchard. Wir sprachen sehr viel an dem Mittagessen. Ich war so fröhlich, wie die Sachen der Vergangenheit waren vergessen. Nach dem Treffen mit ihn, wann ich kam Zuhause zurück, ich dachte, daß lieber ich für immer mit ihm sein möchte. Ich weiß, daß ich ihn noch liebe. Selbst sein Frag ist so, das ist lange wie fünf Jahre, ich weiß, daß mein Liebe bringen mich zu ein höher Platz. Ich werde warten jedoch.

Heute rief er mich wieder an. An Seinrufzeit schlief ich noch. Aber er bat mich wieder zu ausgehen für das Mittagessen. Die Zeit war 1 Uhr und er will treffen mich an 2 Uhr, in Orchard! Ich bleibe in Tampines! Ich zustimmte jedoch. Sehr schnelle, ich duschte mich und ausgegangen. Ich nahm ein Taxi zu komme an Orchard schneller an. Ich treffe ihn in seiner Arbeitplatz und dann ging für unsere Mittagessen. Es war eine gute Stunde. Am der Ende seiner Mittagessenzeit, schickte ich ihn zurück zu sein Arbeitplatz. Und ich bleibe da für einige Zeit, die ist nicht lange, und ich abfährt. Er sagte mir, daß er mich heute Abend ruft. Ich dachte, daß es ein anderes seines Lüge ist. Dann weißt du? Er rufet gerade jetzt!

返黎啦

2006-07-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

打左一篇廣東話嘅Post，好似打到上癮。唔怕，我繼續打。今日返黎新加坡，飛機開得好快。三個鍾頭就到左。TY咪亂唸。我喺機上冇艷遇。雖然有個空少幾型仔嘅，但係佢唔係做我條Line嘅。好Sad！但係靓仔真係好識令人胡思亂想。我全程不停望住佢，睇佢喺走廊度行上行落，又不停幻想。你知道架啦！真係不禁同自己講，如果昵世人可以有幸享受一段空中之戀，的確唔錯！話時話，由始至終，我連一句話都未同佢講，又唔知道佢個名。連佢係直嘅定歪嘅都唔知。但好多人講空少之中，十個有十一個係歪嘅。如果係真嘅就好啦！我會多多飛Cathay架！

返到新加坡有一D唔習慣。竟然同的士司機講廣東話！哈哈！但係冇緊要啦。好多新加坡人都識廣東話嘅。OK。講真嘅，我好掛住香港嘅生活啊。日日茶餐廳我都唔介意架。靓仔多到目不暇給，食D野又騎昵種類又多又新鮮。游水海上鮮，瀨尿蝦，新鮮網鮑，臭豆腐，街邊嘅個D大大條嘅靓腸，炸豬大腸，吉下吉下嘅魚蛋，車仔面，碗仔翅，食到唔食都仲想食啊。喺昵度邊度揾到D咁鬼正嘅野食？仲有我喺個度識嘅個班靓仔呢。誰人代替？我敢保證我喺呢度點都揾唔到D咁嘅質素嘅男仔。

邊個最無奈？

2006-07-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

喺香港咁耐學到嘅真係好多。曾經同Kenneth嘅對話令我領悟到好多野，亦都明白咗原來好多人表面好好，但係佢地好可能係最無奈架。香港人有時候俾人地一種好衰嘅印象。有D人認為香港人好串，但係其實香港人都係喺一個咁富競爭嘅社會成長，從小就被灌輸一D"人不為己，天誅地滅"嘅思想。喺呢個咁強硬嘅軀殼裡面實際上只係一個好徬徨，好無奈嘅細蚊仔。成個社會根本就係為自己，為金錢去努力。點解香港人喺金融界叱吒風雲？試下同D香港人講，話以後炒股票唔會再有錢賺，睇一睇重有幾多個會繼續去玩股票。根本就係一個以利益作推動嘅社會。我唔係話咁樣唔好，但係實在係太過市檜。

以前香港係英國殖民地，市民都無乜點理個老豆。可能老豆都無辦法去管好個仔，只係同個仔講，你乖乖去揾錢，其他嘅就唔好理咁多。所以咁多年殖民地，香港人都係錢字排頭。好啦，九七回歸，返到中國大陸嘅懷抱，香港人又唔滿意。咁有難怪嘅。睇下D大陸人點樣丟自己D架，係人都唔想同佢地有乜啦愣啦！香港人慣性愛面子，唔通咁瘀都肯摯咩？宜家大陸做左老豆，香港人再係不滿都冇計架。只好低頭承認中國係老豆囉。講下又講啊，大陸其實真係好錫香港架。睇睇每年九七遊行，北京都唔阻止。你以為真係咁縱容咩？實際上，大陸同香港之間嘅利益關係有邊個唔知道？香港好，大陸都獲益唔少！試問有一隻生金蛋嘅鵝，大陸又豈會忍心趕盡殺絕？

由始至終，香港人都一定要靠自己。因為從來都冇呢種叫做"國家觀念"嘅野。從來都唔需要講乜野愛國。但係一到困境，亦都因為唔需要愛國，所以冇祖國，都冇老豆肯伸出一隻手黎幫忙。香港人就係靠自己去拼搏。宜家大陸鼓吹愛國精神，對香港人離講實在係好鬼荒謬。香港人唔係好想似宜家咁樣，有老豆都唔想認。只係個老豆實在唔底認。好心北京管好自己D貪官污吏先至離郁D香港人。唔好挪你個幾百萬人口離做藉口，話好難治國。冇人叫你管好D人，你要管好嘅係D鮮廉寡恥嘅賤官。好心俾人地睇下中央真係喺度做緊野架啦！唔好挪住你大大條道理喺度死雞撐飯蓋啦！咁樣令到香港人好無奈架！

An experience with a HK guy

2006-07-13T20:23:00.000+08:00

I was delighted when I reached the HK airport. Guys here look a lot better than Singapore guys. But after staying here for a while, I discovered something about them, and a recent experience with a colleague further convinced me that I don't want a HK boyfriend. Guys here are cute, but they are almost all fair and skinny. Something good about Singapore is that all guys have to go through NS and it's good in a way - everyone has at least a basic build. Somehow, I'm quite convinced that NS does make a man out of a boy. It's a lot of shit that NS boys go through. I always believe that a boy will always be a boy unless he has been challenged bitterly by life. Well I won't say that NS was such a big challenge in life that would impact so much but at least, having that kind of training is better than nothing at all in HK. HK guys are pretty, I won't say charming. Maybe they're nice to look at but I feel, most of them are quite hollow inside. They have no experience, nothing that batters them and makes them what a man should be. I want a man, not a boy.

Well my experience with the colleague was pretty interesting. He came to talk to me and asked whether I just came from overseas. I said I did, which is the truth. He asked me where I came from and I told him Singapore. He started talking to me about everything Singapore. About "I Not Stupid" and he concluded that Singaporeans are bad at English just because of that show. He also believes the academic standard in Singapore is lower than Hong Kong, which EVERYONE knows is untrue. See - he's making statements which are sweeping and can't be substantiated. I'm not natively Singaporean, although I just acquired the Singaporean citizenship. Despite anything, despite my background whatsoever, I am proud as a product of MOE Singapore. A world renowned, albeit rigid education system.

The rigidity in the Singaporean education system can be looked at as both a pro or a con. Rigidity enforces discipline. The ranking system which looks ridiculous to people outside Singapore promotes competition and raises the standards. Students are forced to learn more just to keep the school ranked at the top. Throughout the years in the Singaporean education system, I've turned myself into a product. We all have. We're all stamped with "Educated in Singapore" and that's how we will always be. Who can deny the fact that the standard of a Singaporean education is higher than international standards? It's a fact. We have gone through all these years of formal education in Singapore, and eventually made it through. It's an achievement.

And here is a guy (rather cute though, but doesn't matter) who belittles this achievement that I have. He thinks Singaporeans have low English standard just because of a silly movie he watched - where's his analytical mind? Just basing on ONE movie which should represent the director's point of view instead of that of the population of its country of origin and he can draw a conclusion which encompasses the entire nation - that's fantastic. He said Singaporean English sounds awful. Well that's really not a valid point in the argument. Singaporeans laugh at the HK accent. British people think French English is funny. And Japanese English is an international joke. But who can deny the fact that these nationals may well have a high standard of the language as well? Being able to use a language well is different from being able to speak it well, especially when "speaking well" is based on one singular and very objective standard.

Then he talked about Maths. He claimed that Maths in Singapore is of a much lower standard than that in HK. He raised the example that they were learning integration at Form 5 (which, from what I understand, is J1). We did integration in Sec 4. His point was immediately invalid. But I didn't rebut. I just let him carry on showcasing his ignorance.

I still prefer to look at the standard of languages in the Singaporean education system when I compare it with that of HK. I dare say that most HKers are not even effectively bilingual. Most can only speak Cantonese well. It's not easy to find one HKer who is very comfortable speaking in English. And their Mandarin Chinese sound funny (if I were my colleague, I would have said that they suck badly in Chinese, which, based on this example, is a damn discriminating sweeping statement). Language is what gets one around. Without good language, one can't get anywhere because language is the key to any form of relationship. Communication is always crucial so if one and only one criteria is to be used to judge the standard of an education system, language should be the one. Singaporeans are mostly bilingual, at least able to pronounce most English and Chinese (or their respective mother tongue) words accurately, able to form proper sentences and speak with confidence. Some even opt to learn a third language at O Level. Even after that, one can still pick up another language at University. So the education system easily allows formal education in 4 languages! The situation in HK is very different. In Chinese secondary schools, Cantonese is the medium for teaching in all subjects. Only students in English schools have to chance to really learn English the proper way. Let alone a third language and even a fourth! So effectively, HK students end up only effective in communicating in one language which, sadly, happens to be a dialect.

I'm not saying that HKers are lousy and all. HK is a place of intense competition. I'd say that HKers generally make good businessmen. Very money minded. Everyone fights for one's own place in the society. It's quite scary. But it's the HK spirit which I applaud. Singaporeans and HKers shine in different ways, and putting down either community is really unfair. I think I saw his puerility through this conversation I had with him. His points are really unstable and he doesn't really know what he's talking about. I didn't enjoy the conversation. If dating a guy who's cute like him but who talks like him with lots of words but no point in his speech; full of weak or invalid points which can be dismissed so easily by exercising just a bit of logic, I'd rather coop up alone at home or go out with friends for a true and meaningful talk of the heart over a cup of coffee. That's life. I want a man who completes my life, not burden me by always making me try to understand his hollow thoughts.

1st July HK Procession. 香港七一大遊行

2006-07-02T01:17:00.000+08:00

I went for the demonstration! Unbelievable? Haha. I hate crowds but yet I went. I was there with my uncle (also my boss now) and it was really quite nice. Can feel the atmosphere.. It's the "Hong Kong way of life", as my uncle put it. You'll never be able to see such freedom in Singapore.

The procession started at Causeway Bay, which is in Hong Kong. So early in the morning I crossed the sea to look for uncle at Central Library. After meeting up, we left the library and proceeded on to have our lunch at this restaurant serving Xinjiang cuisine, called Pasha. First thing I noticed when I reached Hong Kong was this:

A Hong Kong specialty that's historical and can't be found in Kowloon. I saw a lot of these when I was on the bus with cousin Silvia, who was on her way to her office to get ready for her Macau trip. HKers call it "Ding-Ding". Once I got off the bus, I immediately snapped a picture of one of those.

My lunch at Pasha was really nice. Had roast lamb, beef kebabs, mutton soup, chilli century eggs, beef tongue and a soda drink. Uncle's treat. :-D

After lunch, we went to walk around before settling down at a small little eatery at 天后 for a little bowl of 清湯牛爽腩 and a cold soya drink. We then headed over to the procession assembly area to get ready for the walk.

The assembly area was very crowded. We waited for quite long before the walk really started. But it wasn't too bad cos they kept shouting lines to oppose the government. Can really feel the freedom of speech. They even invited leaders of some social groups up the stage to talk about what they want to achieve through the demonstration. The language and tone were so strong... This is truly Hong Kong. Anyway, HKers are really a creative bunch of people. Remember those remixes of the bus uncle incident? That's once evidence of their creativity. As for the 1st July Procession, they changed the lyrics to some popular songs and even, "Do You Hear The People Sing" from "Les Miserables", sung in Cantonese! Hah! I felt like I was taking part in a rebellion.

I took several nice pictures during the procession.

This picture shows people holding a bannes with the words "Democracy for the people, not democracy for the rich" in several languages.

A rainbow flag! A big hidden though... But further down, I saw a station promoting rights for the homosexuals. Lesbian rights group, I think... They were giving away booklets on homosexuality. I went to take one of them.

Hah. Last night Kaiquan was just asking me whether there'll be a HK Mardi Gras. I think this is good enough. At least you won't see people setting up a booth with rainbow flag in Singapore!

After the procession (from Causeway Bay to Central, for those familiar with HK Geography), I went for dinner at Lai Chi Kok, somewhere very close to office. Dinner was sumptuous. A big shellfish the size of a clenched fist (only one per person!), fried rice with abalone, sliced goose meat, teochew cold fish and pipa tofu. The fried rice was quite bland though... Goose meat was great! And the cold fish has been my favourite dish ever since my paternal Grandpa was still alive.....

I went home after dinner, and another uncle was already bringing us to supper. In fact I just came back from another sinful meal. Big prawns, whose species is not available in Singapore... Roasted pigeons, chicken porridge and some snail-like shellfish. Nice! :-D

Didn't take pics though... My hands were too dirty. Now drinking slimming tea....... -_-"

A.W.A.Y.

2006-06-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

Being in HK gives me a feeling of running away. Evasion does help, although not healthy. Life here is good. I don't have much to worry about. So far, everything has been good and I have yet to feel anything negative. Maybe only bored at times. But really, I've enjoyed myself very much these past few days. It's nice to meet relatives and talk to them. It's nice to eat and eat and eat and forget about all my sorrows. But one thing is certain - I NEED to lose weight when my dream is over. I'm really like living in a dream now. I dream to live for myself. And now I'm here living for myself. I have the freedom to go wherever I want to, do anything I like and eat my hearts out. I don't have to worry about seeing familiar faces when I do something embarrassing because I know I'm not staying here forever, no matter how I have already convinced myself that I'm totally detached from my previous life, my life in Singapore.

It's like a rebirth. I can put down a lot of things and be a totally different and happier person. I'm really happy now. How I wish I could stay here for longer. But I wonder, if I stay here for a much longer period, what will happen to the KT in his memory? If I don't appear again, will he still remember me and the times we had when he's old? If I return after a year, will he still take me for granted and expect me to give unconditionally? If I return after 5 years, will he really be finally ready, and will I still feel the same? I don't know. Everything is so uncertain. But usually I don't have the time to think about all these. Not important to me now. Life will bring me where I belong.

I think I might be going down to the clubs with my cousin, Silvia, one of the days next week after work. It would be quite an eye-opener cos I've never been to clubs in HK before. I hope they're nice. Oh guys here are cute so hmm... Maybe it's good to be single after all.

Work starts tomorrow! Hope everything goes well!! Those who want my HK number can either leave comment here or MSN me. If you don't have my MSN then don't even bother asking cos I'm probably not close to you anyway. International SMSes here are SO expensive.

Another door DOES open when a door closes.

2006-06-21T01:10:00.000+08:00

Unbelievable!

I have no idea how I got so many PMs in SGBOY. I didn't do anything to my profile! Ok I added a recent update. Only a VERY short line at the section where I can talk more about myself. But it's so bitter that none would find it tasteful. Anyway, I got a few pretty interesting guys PMing me. One actually knew me from HCJC but I have no idea who he is at all! He even knows my name. I checked his picture but still can't remember. Never mind. I replied politely, apologising for not remembering him. His reply was that he had my handphone number and he wanted to meet me at a concert at esplanade once but I was with my then-boyfriend so we decided not to meet. Sounds familiar. But still, no concrete memory.

Another guy wanted sex. Even offered to pay. I didn't reply. I stated VERY clearly in my profile that I reply to most PMs unless "I find you crude or too lewd for my taste". This guy obviously didn't have the basic interest to finish reading my profile. So much for "being sincere". And I don't do casual sex, let alone PAID sex. I'm no prostitute!

Well I once had a small discussion with Kaiyuan about spinsters. I said people seldom end up as spinsters unless they're damn ugly, damn picky or damn wicked. I'm wicked but not THAT wicked to condemn me in singlehood. As for my looks, I do have physical flaws. Quite a lot, in fact. I'm fat and I have acne. But still, I don't think I'm damn ugly. If you have a differing view, PLEASE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Then picky. Am I picky? I used to think I'm not. But when it comes to the very very minor details, about what I think an ideal date is, I think I'm really quite picky. So maybe I'll be single for life because I'm too picky.

J is good in many ways. But at times I did question myself whether his looks made up for all that he is lacking in other areas, so much so that when matched against my list of requirements in an ideal partner, he can actually fail quite terribly. But don't people always say that one seldom, if not never, ends up with someone who does not fulfil one's criteria for an ideal partner? Honestly, I don't mind all that he lacks. He has a lot besides his looks to make up for what he doesn't have.

Recently I started reading "The Line of Beauty" again. It's really a nice book. I love the language, especially the dialogues. Those who know me well will definitely know that good language is the biggest turn-on for me. I love guys who are good in languages. I once defined my basic requirement for my partner to be one who is able to effectively communicate in 5 different languages excluding Chinese dialects. Now, I draft out another list of requirements which is more extensive.

1. Fluent in 5 different languages. All Chinese dialects are considered ONE language in this case.
2. Knowledge in the history of at least one country (small countries with short history NOT counted)
3. Appreciates classical music
4. Able to cook a decent meal
5. Genuine interest in the arts (visual arts preferred. Pop art excluded)
6. General knowledge in the sciences
7. Not ugly

Look at my list. I don't even think such a guy exists. If I go strictly by my list of requirements, I'll REALLY end up pathetically single all my life. But in any case, I'm not going to settle for someone without depth. If he cannot hold an engaging conversation with me and capture my attention not with his looks, but with his content and the depth of his own opinions on the subject matter, he is not eligible. That's the minimum requirement.

Now that I'm receiving PMs from bachelors on the net, I'm going treat them all indiscriminately and reply to all those who're not asking for sex. I'll see how they respond and may go on a few dates after I return. No strings attached. Freedom.

Endless Story

2006-06-16T18:20:00.000+08:00

If you haven't changed your mind
そばにいてほしいよ　Tonight

毎日、毎晩同じ信念が持っている。しかし、あなたはどこにいる？まだ知りない！

強がることに疲れたの
幼すぎたの　Everytime I think about you baby
今なら言える　I miss you
It's so hard to say I'm sorry

不思議な物語よ！人生は人生だから、普通より普通だ。こんな綺麗なことは夢である。

たとえば誰かのためじゃなくあなたのために
歌いたい　この歌を
終わらない　Story　続くこの輝きに
Always　伝えたいずっと永遠に

私もあなたのために一つ歌を歌いたいと思っている。私たちの物語は終わらないであるのをほしいです。時々、私はあなたを永遠に愛してもいいことと思う。しかし、これは本当に不可能だ。あなたは、五年の後、私はあなたをもう愛してなければ、私たちの恋はもう一回始めると言った。今、あの言葉はどこにあるの？忘れるはず！

再来一首！

2006-06-16T15:19:00.000+08:00

庭院深深深几许
杨柳堆烟帘幕无重数
玉勒雕鞍游冶处
楼高不见章台路

雨横风狂三月暮
门掩黄昏无计留春住
泪眼问花花不语
乱红飞过秋千去

最近真的很多感触。我想，到香港一个月也不妨是一件好事。离开新加坡，离开一切，离开他。

又赠宋词一首

2006-06-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

寻寻觅觅冷冷清清凄凄惨惨戚戚
乍暖还寒时候最难将息
三杯两盏淡酒怎敌他晚来风急
燕过也正伤心却是旧时相识
满地黄花堆积憔悴损如今有谁堪摘
守着窗儿独自怎生得黑
梧桐更兼细雨到黄昏点点滴滴
这次第怎一个愁字了得

2006-06-02T22:10:00.000+08:00

I went to J's place to cook dinner for him! Went grocery shopping with him before heading over to his place. That was great. Haha... I wonder if we will ever get together and go shop for groceries together often. And of course, nothing compares to a hearty home-cooked meal!

1. Cream of Mushroom

The other time when we went out we had a "Soup of the Day" at a bistro. It turned out to be Cream of Asparagus. Then I started talking about the cream soups that I've made before. My favourite was Cream of Potato, followed by Pumpkin. His favourite, however, is Cream of Mushroom. He was quite interested in the Cream of Potato so he asked me for recipe. I briefly told him how to make it. The next day, he was at home cooking it. Called me numerous times to confirm the steps. Turned out that he didn't have quite a number of required ingredients at home so the result was a funny-tasting soup. Hahaha. So this round, since I'm going to his place to prepare a nice dinner for him, I decided that I shall make him what he loves most. Cream of Mushroom. I wanted to use mini portabellos but couldn't find in the supermarket. So we settled for brown mushrooms instead. The result was quite good. Just that we didn't add heavy cream! I used milk instead...

2. Spaghetti Bolognese

He's in a Buddhist family so they are not supposed to eat beef. But he himself does, and it happens to be his favourite kind of meat. Although traditionally Spaghetti Bolognese uses meat sauce that comprises of minced beef and veal, I couldn't stay with the tradition because of his family religion. So I improvised and used minced chicken instead. He thought the spaghetti was well done but I thought I still need to improve on the sauce. At first we wanted to make Carbonara as well. But after cooking for a while, we found out that we were too hungry and took too much time also. So we settled for one type of pasta.

3. Apples in Reduced Red Wine with Cinnamon

This is my masterpiece. We bought a bottle of cheap French table wine to make this dessert. Spent about 45min in front of the stove just to cook the apples and make them look nice. And that's not all! After cooking the apples, we put them inside the fridge and carried on cooking the spaghetti and the soup. At the end of the dinner, we took the apples out of the fridge, well chilled, and started preparing the gravy. It was really good. He loved it so much!

2006-05-29T02:02:00.000+08:00

I feel a need to blog this down because I hope I can at least do something to help those who're lost to find their way out of the dark. Well, everyone's life is a story and at every moment of our lives we're writing on a fresh page. Each line, each paragraph, the everything that makes our stories different. We go through a lot, and we learn. That's what makes us grow. We must not fall and never climb back up because life is too short for us to feel sorry for our failures. There's really no time to lose. But very often, we come to a point where time is inevitably lost. That's when we need to make a decision. We always try to find the right decision but I don't see a point. What we should do is to make a decision which we won't regret in the future. That WILL be the right decision, at least for you.

I think I sounded quite incoherent in the above paragraph. Maybe the writing style isn't even like my usual. I'm actually damn sleepy now and I can't think properly. But it just came to me that I need to write this out. To reach out to all those around me. Don't be lost. Don't lose to yourself. At least, family and friends are always behind you, supporting you!

I once thought that when a relationship comes to an end, there'll always be no turning back. When a party decides to leave, he must have decided that the relationship has changed and nothing can mend the faults. Hence, a final full stop is drawn at the end of the paragraph. But haven't you realised that even after the end of a paragraph, you can still start another one on a fresh new line? And who knows? The new paragraph might end with an exclamation mark instead?

Life and relationships. We're always troubled by such issues. My friends. If you think you have reached the full stop of your paragraph, don't give up. Work hard on the next, and draw an exclamation mark at the end of it. 感情的付出是没有绝对的。付出是全凭自愿；而回报不是必然。既然付出了，就要坚持自己的决定和自己的立场。绝对不能为自己的付出而后悔。回报不一定会有。尽管有回报，也未必是自己所要得。因为每个人对好与坏的观点和立场都不一样。得到自己所要的固然是好。但付出的过程所带来的霎那喜悦，更是无价。要是真的爱上一个人，就别太执著。争取过，拚斗过，表白过，到头来虽然可能一无所获，但这一切已经是人生的宝贵经验。爱过就应该满足了。要是自己知道是时候放手，就别再伤害自己。勇敢地为这一个段落画上完美的句点，免得泥足深陷，无法自拔。一段的结尾并不是故事的尾声。做人应该向前看。画上句点后，就轰轰烈烈地为自己编辑下一段更美好，更精彩的剧情。就让它以感叹号作结尾。一段感情固然美好，但另一段感情又有谁能保证不会更美好、更精彩、更灿烂？别因为自己太执著而放弃将来无限的可能。朋友们，什么问题都好，我永远，永远都不会忘记你们！

2006-05-28T04:49:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging so early in the morning! Well... I just came back from Tanjong Pagar - another eventful night of nightlife. Everytime after I head down to Tanjong Pagar, all I have to say to myself is that opportunity is everywhere. It's really a luxury to be single. But this time, I think otherwise. I was at a pub with my friend and the cashier-bartender-waiter (he did everything there...) was really very much my type. I got a drink and it was a lot stronger than usual. So naturally I knew I would not be able to keep myself in control if I took another drink. I just sat with my friend and admired the guy from my seat, while letting my fantasies run wild. That's until the music changed to We Belong Together (no idea why they were playing this kind of music....). That's the same song I kept listening to over and over again after I cried for hours after the phone call last November. That's what made me feel all emotional, and has since become the identifier for that extremely bad period of my life. I was never happy after J decided that we should end what we had. Night after night I kept listening to music and calling up friends to chat. We Belong Together was the one song that I really always listened to. I felt that way, and I hoped that one day, J would feel the same as well.

The song brought back memories. Memories of how much I needed him, and I still do. Memories of how I found out I couldn't go on without him only after realising that my chance of taking that step forward was already taken away. All those memories of how I faltered and then regretted. How I wished everything could start afresh, and I be given another chance to be someone important. To love him wholeheartedly and never disappoint him. To satisfy him, to give him happiness. To protect him. Crazy? It's not.

With such memories flooding my mind, I turned my gaze to my friend. And we talked about our usual stuff. I didn't care much about how cute any of the guys around me were. In my mind, there was only J.

Being single is still a luxury. But if J was to be the reason to my bankruptcy, I wouldn't mind never being able to afford THE luxury.

2006-05-23T18:09:00.000+08:00

2 Questions

1. Ok I lost some clothes. 1st is a Toronto Film Fest T-shirt by Roots, a fashion label unavailable in Singapore. 2nd piece is a Guess shirt and the last is a pair of A|X pants. I've searched all over my house but still can't find. I don't believe I'd have left it anywhere else because that's just NOT possible. My mum said she would have noticed when she retrieved the laundry if they had fallen down or were blown away. So that couldn't be. Now I'm left with the only possibility - that they were stolen. I'm suspecting the part-time cleaner who comes to my house to clean up the place once a week. That's because she's the only stranger who could possibly have done that. I don't think it's my brother's girlfriend because whenever she's around, my brother would be around. Also, the bag she always carries is just too small to hide my A|X pants. Anyone else is also not possible because they're my family! Steal my clothes for what?? So I deduce that it should be the part-time... But I have no evidence against her! How?? Any suggestions? (That's about $350 worth of clothes!)

2. Now that I have completed NS, I'm given the opportunity to apply for Singapore citizenship. I did, and it was approved. Since I'm not 21 yet, I'm not required to renounce my current nationalities and take the oath of allegiance. So I'm British-Chinese-Singaporean now. Triple-nationality. However, when I turn 21, I'm required to renounce both my British and Chinese nationalities if I want to keep the Singapore one. If I choose not to renounce, my Singapore citizen status would be cancelled once I reach 22 years old. And I'll not be given PR status unless I reapply on my own merits (which is as good as nothing for now, or even when I turn 22). So if I choose to stay with dual nationality, I'll not be able to stay in Singapore and complete my studies here unless I spend a lot of money. If you were in my situation, what would you do? Dual nationality (British-Chinese) or Singaporean? My mum told me to be a Singaporean and renounce the rest... I'm still undecided.

2006-05-21T00:55:00.000+08:00

I went out with J. It was my best day so far since I left the Army. The three sacred words were already in my mouth and I felt the urge to just say it out. But honestly, I really haven't used them on him yet. Never. In fact, I seldom said it even when I was in a relationship. I believe it's genuine if he can feel it even without me saying it. And he knows it. I've told him before that it's not like he doesn't know how I feel, and it's not genuine if I had to spell it out explicitly. Just that back then, he chose not to reply my message... Anyway, I've decided that he's the one. No matter what it takes, how long I have to wait (ridiculously long 5 years as he said...) I'll still go on. Crazy as it sounds but I'm not alone.

相见时难别亦难
东风无力百花残
春蚕到死丝方尽
蜡炬成灰泪始干
晓镜但愁云鬓改
夜吟应觉月光寒
蓬莱此去无多路
青鸟殷勤为探看

Chatting with him really made me feel very comfortable. I can say that he almost perfectly suits me. He eats all the rubbish that I like but scarcely anyone else does. He appreciates cheese (not snack cheese or cheese snacks) and is a gourmet in teas. While I have a certain knowledge in coffees, he has the exact same depth of knowledge in teas. He can cook and he enjoys it. I told him about the other time when I cooked cream of potato for my family and he asked me for the recipe... The next day, he was at home cooking it. I thought that was pretty cute.

That day, he got me a handphone strap. Whether it's his way of thanking me for the dinner, a friendly gesture or anything more, I really don't need to know. It's not important anymore. It's not like I don't know where I'm heading. I know my direction and I'm going to walk down this path without regrets.

I really hope that it's just not the right time, and not that I'm not the right person.

Anyway, I HAVE CONFESSIONS.

I'm not a good person. Really. Why? Read on.

1. I'm selfish. Whenever I jaywalk, I ALWAYS make sure there's someone jaywalking beside me, on the side where the traffic is approaching so that even if there's a reckless driver, someone instead of me will get injured (or die).

2. I'm a liar. I have forgotten how many lies I've told so far. But it doesn't matter. I don't tell lies to hurt others. Most of them are white lies anyway. Most. I always promise myself that I'll stop being a slut and stop ogling at cute guys but

3. I'm really promiscuous. Needless to explain.

4. I say "safe sex or no sex" but I don't practise it. Lucky I'm tested non-reactive. Honestly speaking I've never bought a single condom in my life so far.

5. I am sick of sex. Either sex is getting boring or guys are getting boring. Be daring, creative and explore!!! Argh! And I just can't stand guys who say they are experienced just because they masturbate!!

6. I'm wicked. I remember I once wished that my rival died. As in really. I liked this guy but there's someone going after him. I was afraid of competition so I just prayed everyday that he'll either die or disappear inexplicably.

See? I'm a lousy person! But a lot have changed since I knew J. Almost everything changed except for point 1. I still jaywalk with someone (stranger) beside me. But I've never told J a single lie. Everything I said so far is true. =)

2006-05-10T00:47:00.000+08:00

金玉良言

I was talking about bending straight guys when I was out with Kaiquan and Koon Yen today. Kaiquan's immediate response was “有兔子不要，偏要把老鼠的耳朵拉长”. Very original. I liked it.

2006-04-11T12:25:00.000+08:00

What should you do when someone KS you in MapleStory? "CC Pls" is a waste of time...

Build an army and JUST KILL THEM!

2006-04-02T16:28:00.000+08:00

I'm going to Thailand with J in May!
Ich bin Thailand mit ihm im Mai gehen!
我五月跟J去泰国！
私とJは五月にタイへ行く！

2006-02-24T23:26:00.000+08:00

“我们认识挺有缘份的，只是你太小，我倒有点过意不去。其实这种事在西方不算什么，可在这儿还是流氓罪呢。总之这种事小心点，这只是两个人之间的事情，别跟外人讲。另外，玩儿这个都凭自愿，合得来就在一起，感觉不好就算了。”

他很认真地听着，没有说话。

“其实要是两个人太熟了，到不好意思再玩儿了。”我笑着说，这话算是暗示吧。他有点象那种情窦初开的女孩，我怕他太当真。

北京故事

2006-02-22T01:03:00.000+08:00

Try this and let me know what kind of person I am to y'all... :-D

2006-02-20T15:25:00.000+08:00

将要ORD了，心情难免有些惆怅。服役期间发生过的事，我是无法忘怀。有好的，也有坏的。但总的来说，与J的一段情尽管只是短暂，是虚无缥缈，或只是我一厢情愿，仍然是刻骨铭心。是对的。还是错的？我不想知道，也不想再花心思和时间去忖量。人生短短几十年。说句难听的，乐观地看，我已经走上了四分之一的路。能有多少时间给我浪费？还有多少时间让我踌躇，让我徘徊在对与错的边缘？我，只想一生无悔。爱了，就不管对错。用错了情，也没想过收回。表错了情，却实实在在不曾后悔。我再也不能像以往一样的磨磨蹭蹭。

赠大家宋词一首。

寒蝉凄切，对长亭晚，骤雨初歇。
都门畅饮无绪，方留恋处，兰舟催发。
执手相看泪眼，竟无语凝噎。
念去去，千里烟波，暮霭沉沉楚天阔。
多情自古伤离别。更那堪，冷落清秋节。
今宵酒醒何处，杨柳岸，晓风残月。
此去经年，应是良辰好景虚设。
便纵有，千种风情，更与何人说。

临别，我对这段感情还是遗留着一丝的希望。尽管渺茫，仍是不放弃。说真的，蓦然回首，从温往日，确实是景物依旧，人面全非。一丝希望，却是万分情义。

此情若是久长时，又岂在朝朝暮暮？我不在乎。我等。

2006-02-05T02:05:00.000+08:00

CNY was quite boring. As you all know, I have no relatives in Singapore so I didn't go around visiting. Only went to Raymond's place. Actually, I spent most of the time at home playing MapleStory. Yes, super stupid and childish but I feel like a kid all of a sudden so just relive my childhood...

I didn't achieve anything during the holidays but I had a very very good CNY, I must say. A very good and dreamy one. Cos I had 3 sweet dreams on 3 consecutive nights.

First one:
I was at a restaurant with this cute sergeant from HQ BMTC whom I've fancied for quite a while, just chatting. Clean fun. Some first date kind of thing. Very sweet. How I wish this dream comes true one day.

Second one:
In actual fact, one of my colleagues is my so called longest lasting crush in army. I've known him since SISPEC. And we're posted to the same unit after OOC. Honestly speaking, there's nothing good about him. He looks like a drug addict and he's extremely indifferent. But I seem to feel much of a connection with him. Don't know. But I swear I don't love him. So this dream is about him. Well, I had sex with him in the dream and it's ALL SO REAL! I woke up perspiring and thought I really had sex with him the night before... But of course I realised it's just a dream. But it's a damn good one.......

Third one:
Speaks of my heart, a happy ending to my sad story. If I can only make 1 of these 3 dreams come true, this will be the one.

Anyway, the first one kind of came true.... Just that we weren't at a restaurant. We were on our way to work and he forgot to bring his camp pass. I happened to have an extra one (shhhh!) and I passed it to him so that he could take the chartered bus. And he sat beside me. AND he took the initiative to talk to me. AND he talked of stupid things that made me laugh. It's perfect, I tell u. He's so cute.

2005-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

2006 is coming. Time to revisit my eventful 2005 and set my resolutions for 2006. At the same time, I'd like to show appreciation to those who have always been here with me, sharing my problems, my happy and sad times. Those who understand me, trust me, love me, I love all of you.

There are really so many people worth mentioning... Being top on the list are, of course, my parents. Needless to say what they have done for me - they've done all they can to provide for me, to make sure that I'm fine. At times when I was down and lonely, they're always there for me. Thank you Mum, thank you Dad.

J, you who rode through a memorable half a year with me and taught me numerous lessons in life. You who made me believe in so much, yet doubt so much more. You who helped me understand myself more. You who gave me a new definition of love, who made me realise how foolish I can get, yet unable to convince myself to grow smarter. You who is so special to me. Thank you for being in my life. I love you.

Kaiquan and Koon Yen, thank you for always being my listening ears. Thank you for always staying true. Thank you for letting me finally realise that true platonic love is so sweet. I couldn't have grown out of all my past failures and moved on in life if not for the two of you. Thank you for being my friend for close to a decade. I swear it'll kill me if we lose contact in the future.

Tik Ying, my female counterpart in HK. Thank you for understanding me and accepting me, spending so much time with me in Taiwan and giving me so much support whenever I needed it. 多謝你同我分享搞曖昧關係D心得。時々も、僕に日本語を教えること、案内することがある。どうもありがとう。

Kaiyuan and Ellwyn - my closest friends from JC. Thank you for making me feel remembered. Thank you for sharing my problems and making me happy. Thank you for all the company. Thank you for not killing me because of my excessively 重色輕友 nature... Kaiyuan, thank you for fine-tuning my cute-guys-radar whenever we go out. Ellwyn, thank you for being one of the very few straight guys whom I can click well with. Thank you, too, for sharing with me your personal problems. Although I might not have been helpful, it did show how much you trusted. Thank you, thank you.

All my colleagues who made me a celebrity, thank you. I had never thought I'll ever have such an experience. Thanks for tarnishing my reputation and letting me have a taste of having a "sex tape scandal". I wouldn't have grown so much stronger if not for all the puerile tricks you all play on me.

I'll die if I carry on typing. But the list goes on and on... Forgive me if you're reading this post and you're not mentioned. I still love you, I still remember you, I still care for you. Just that thinking about the past really cracks me. I need to be stronger.

I hope I can look forward to a better year ahead. I hope things will finally turn out right for me. I wish I'll not make another mistake in relationships, not ending up hurting myself or anyone. I hope I'll stop wanting guys but let them want me. I hope I'll be a better person so that whoever I end up with will love me from inside. I hope I'll not need to go for another blood test, fearing that the result might be positive. I hope.... I REALLY hope that I can finally have a go at donating blood.... I hope to be good. I hope life will be kind.

Happy New Year!

2005-12-26T01:28:00.000+08:00

Christmas dinner at home was quite good... I was in the kitchen preparing the dishes with my mum since 3pm. Heh...

First up...

Roast Turkey with chestnut stuffing... Oh turkey in Japanese is 七面鳥. Funny, isn't it? Anyway, I used to hate turkey because the meat is always very tough.. Then last year mum flew to Canada to learn cooking from my aunts who are grrrreat cooks. Now she can roast a turkey well. Meat is tender and juicy, not tough at all. So much better than the past. Hah! The turkey is good but I don't like the stuffing. Last year we used mashed potato with rosemary. The effect was quite good. But we were a bit adventurous this round and went to try out this chestnut stuffing thing from NTUC... And it's quite disappointing. :-(

Then we have

Roast Sirloin. Texture is very nice. Medium-well... A bit too done for my liking. But still... Better than the striploin we used to make during previous occassions. This sirloin is mum's idea. I wanted to make either rib-eye or foie gras... The former is easy to handle but the latter is expensive and quite a challenge since it melts easily in the pan... I really have a lot of ideas for foie gras but never had a chance to try. Maybe next time when I'm rich. Anyway, I'm quite determined to make rib-eye steak next week since I pandered to mum to do the roast sirloin. She wanted to add mixed herbs to it but I protested. It's better to use red cooking wine as base and marinate the beef with salt and black pepper. Flavour will be more original.

All 3 dishes that I made with mum... The salad consists of lettuce, smoked salmon, tomatoes, onions, Japanese cucumbers, feta cheese with French dressing. Not bad actually.

The meal was complete with a cream of green peas which was erm.... new and innovative but nevertheless quite a flop - hence no picture. And then complemented with an Australian Shiraz 2003. Not too bad a wine...

For dessert, we had a log cake which my brother's girlfriend bought.

Semi-sweet dark chocolate log cake. Not bad. But if I were to choose I'd have chosen a hazelnut one...

Next week shall I shall make my rib-eye steak and red wine apple dessert! =D

Anyway, my darling discus has grown so big and it's so pretty now....

2005-12-25T20:32:00.000+08:00

O Röschen rot
Der Mensch liegt in größter Not
Der Mensch liegt in größter Pein
Je lieber möcht' ich im Himmel sein
Da kam ich auf einen breiten Weg
Da kam ein Engelein und wollt' mich abweisen
Ach nein ich ließ mich nicht abweisen
Ich bin von Gott und will wieder zu Gott
Der liebe Gott wird mir ein Lichtchen geben
Wird leuchten mir bis in das ewig selig Leben

I'm growing to love Mahler. That's the text from Des Knaben Wunderhorn, also used in his Second Symphony ("Resurrection") as the Fourth Movement "Urlicht". It's so lyrical... And the text, bitter. Also worth mentioning is the Fifth Movement. The "O Glaube" song also originates from Des Knaben Wunderhorn...

O glaube, mein Herz, o glaube
Es geht dir nichts verloren
Dein ist, ja dein, was du gesehnt
Dein, was du geliebt, was du gestritten

Well, those into classical music should try listening to some of Mahler's works. Very deep, very thought provoking. He's my all-time favourite. Of all his symphonies and song cycles, I love Symphony 9 the most. Heard it once at UCC played by SSO... Conducted by Lan Shui. When Moscow Radio came to Singapore to perform the Symphony of a Thousand, which is Mahler's Symphony 8, I missed the chance due to work. And that's such a pity. I don't know when I'll have another chance to see the performance live...

And also...... Kindertotenlieder. Oft denk' ich, sie sind nur ausgegangen... That's such a scary thought I had a shudder when I first saw the line.

Anyway, I'm trying to move on in life. I tried to meet new people, tried to accept someone else in my life. But sadly, I still have some reservations. Somehow I just can't open up fully to someone new. It probably takes time. Or maybe... Bis jetzt, ich noch liebe J. Für J werde ich warten, bis er wieder bei mir ist. Aren't I silly?

2005-12-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

And then all was over. Half a year, half a relationship.

Yet, nothing really changed. Life still goes on, as usual. I don't know what I'm putting myself through. Maybe it really doesn't matter anymore. I don't care if it hurts, neither do I care if it's a waste of time. I was too serious right from the start. Right person, wrong timing.

雨后，未必有彩虹。

暮霭沉沉，夜阑人静。交会的激动，彼此无法压抑。伸出双手，无望太多，只望把眼前流光紧紧握住。谁晓眼前流光匆匆，只丝丝棉，半年的璀璨，宛如冷清清，长年的摧残。留了，恋了，爱了。思了，念了。流了，匆了，挽留了吗？对了，错了。然，原谅了吗？全然忘却，是否无“原谅”之可言？蓦然回首，那时的感动，我毕生难忘。每每低落，总有依偎。那是从前，从前所有甜蜜，现只遗留着嘴边的淡淡幽香。那是奢华。我无从追求。

雨后，未必会天晴。

滂沱大雨，在地面溅出朵朵水花。水花很漂亮，很想用手抚摸，奢望将它挽留。挽留只是梦，伸了手，低头深望，却捧一汪清水。清水是纯真。纯真是美。美就是美。美，就是真谛，其中必有爱。爱，是付出，并非拥有。拥有水花，只可短暂；总不比给予清水一番温存，是付出，是付出。。。

付出了，无愿收复。无怨无悔·爱你。

2005-11-20T19:41:00.000+08:00

It's been a week since I came back from Taiwan. It's good to be back and the trip was pretty eventful. I had lots of fun in Taiwan. Not only during R&R but also during the training period. It's a really enjoyable frame although we had a serious shortfall of manpower. 2 companies went out for exercise and by right, there should be 9 signallers supporting the whole exercise including reservists. However, there were only 4 signallers available for this frame. We had to multi-task and we really didn't have enough rest most of the time. But I think we're lucky because all of us were cooperative and we really helped one another a lot. It's a great experience working with my reservist partner, Mr Tan.

Exercise period was exciting because there were some major incidents which are quite interesting. One was a broken MX6808. It's quite unbelievable that it could be broken, but it was. I saw it broken in two and I was quite fascinated by the internal structure of the matching unit. People call it the "pineapple" and I should say that the interior looks a bit like one, just that the colour is different and there are copper wires coiled vertically in such a way that they look like seeds in cross section. I can't post the pictures here because of security reasons. But I believe fellow signallers or ex-signallers should be interested in looking at it. Too bad, then!

Another incident was a near-death case. I shan't publicise because SAF doesn't like negative attention. Friends who want to know what happened in this Hollywood-like accident can approach me. We can gossip a bit. A pity I wasn't there, and no one had a video camera to capture the whole incident...

R&R was fabulous. I spent almost all my free time with my friends, not colleagues. Most of the people in the frame spent their free time with the training troops but I consider myself lucky that I have Koon Yen over there. And TY also went over to Taiwan from Hong Kong to meet me. I remember I agreed to look for a hotel with TY after she reached Taipei. I told her to call me once she reached so that I could meet her. But I was dead asleep when she called. I miraculously answered the call and uttered a load of rubbish. The next morning, when she called again, I had already cleanly forgotten the entire conversation. I still asked her why she didn't call me when she reached. She insisted that she did, and that I was talking nonsense on the phone. I checked my call record and realised that I really received a call at around 3am and talked for 55 seconds. Gosh...

Well, on the first day in Taipei, I met Koon Yen and went shopping. Bought 3 t-shirts for myself and a jacket for J. Then we wanted to look for a place for coffee but it was too late - all cafes were closed. So I headed back to hotel. That night, I played bridge with my friends until past midnight. The following night, I went to Shilin with my IC and the store IC. Went there to eat a bit and shopped around. I didn't buy anything but had some good food. We went back to hotel past midnight and I went to wash up. Just as I had finished washing up and changed to my sleeping gear, I got a call from TY. I thought it would be nice to meet her since I wasn't around the other night when she reached Taipei. So I quickly changed out of my sleeping clothes and went downstairs to meet her at my hotel lobby. What happened that night was embarrassing. I thought no one would know but somehow, she told Marvin online. Very very embarrassed. Oh yes, I'm sorry abt that night, TY...

Third night was quite special because I had my first hot spring experience! I've never tried that before. It was really nice. The air stinks because of the sulphur spring but the experience was a great one. There were instructions printed on the walls but I didn't read. So I just washed myself and stepped in. I switched on the timer and saw the countdown start at 30min. So I thought I was supposed to stay inside the water for 30min. I just stayed inside. After 30min, I came out and washed up, and went out to meet TY and her friends. One of them said he thought I had fainted. After talking to them, I found out that the 30min includes the time for me to wash up before and after entering the water..... I'm supposed to be immersed inside for only around 15min.. No wonder I felt extremely dry after that. We headed off for soya at Neiwan. It's said to be famous. And it's actually quite unique. There's a unique fragrance to the soya drink...

The last day was free and easy. We didn't have to follow the guided tour so I went for breakfast with my friends at Ding Tai Feng. After that, we walked to Taipei 101 to take pictures. I met Koon Yen there and he had his lunch. Then TY also joined us. I went to buy some souvenirs from the gift shop and then Koon Yen brought us around to see more of Taipei city. We went to the University hoping to see cute guys. There were people running in the campus and I thought they were supposed to be hot athletes but they turned out to be TAF. :-p Later in the evening, we went to Koon Yen's hostel. I got a damn hot magazine from him and also met his housemate. I think he's cute but TY doesn't think so. Anyway, I saw him again at the airport. He looks decent. But I decided that he's not my type.

Okay, after hostel, we went back to Ximending. While we were looking for a place for dinner, Koon Yen's parents called and he went to meet him for dinner. So I carried on with TY. We went down to 忠孝東路 by MRT and looked for a restaurant. We settled our dinner at a Korean restaurant. It's nice and quite cheap. After dinner, we took a slow walk down to Eden, a gay pub GBA told me about. The ambience is not bad, and there's a cute bartender. Had quite a lot of fun there. Tried the drink created by the cute bartender... He asked me how strong I wanted it to be and I told him to make it as strong as he thinks can knock me out. Haha.. I wasn't drunk, anyway. Took a picture with him. :-D

What a way to end the trip. Fond memories... As I was leaving the hotel for the airport, the anticipation of seeing J grew so strong I wanted to call him. But it was already way past midnight and I didn't want to wake him up. I know how grumpy he can get if he gets woken up in his sleep. I'd rather bear with it and sleep on the plane and forget about all my missing him. I just have to know that I'm getting closer to him every second on the plane. And once I touch down, we can meet again.

Alright, I gave him the 2 jackets I bought for him when I met him and he was so excited. He went to try them on one by one and looked at himself in the mirror, asking me whether I think he looks good. Of course he does, and I'm really glad that he likes them.

2005-10-20T21:36:00.000+08:00

I'm flying again tomorrow.

I resolved to tell him everything and make it clear to him before I leave. But I didn't. I wanted my last night with him before my trip to be special. But it wasn't. I seldom take the initiative in a relationship but I'm learning to. In fact, I did. Although I didn't achieve what I wanted, I still told him quite a lot.

My Tuesday night was unbearable. His words were cryptic, somewhat patronising. I really don't know what he wants anymore. He "feels very guilty" for being so close to me - all because of our scandal... But is that the only reason? I feel bad. I've been thinking a lot but I can't write everything here. This place is very public and I have to be politically correct...

I woke up early this morning as I didn't sleep too well. I went to the canteen to buy hot milo for him because he's always feeling cold in the morning. When I went back to wake him up, he only sat up on the bed with his sleepy eyes half-closed and looked at me. He knew that was the last time he'll be seeing me until 3 weeks later. Not a very long time; not exactly short either. But he didn't say anything, neither did I. After a while, I just told him that I bought him milo, and passed it to him. He thanked me and took a sip, and off he went to wash up...

The other night, I booked out at 5pm and went to Changi Village to buy the famous Nasi Lemak for him. When I reached Changi V, it was already 5:30pm. I went to buy the rice immediately. I wanted to be spontaneous since we have been eating canteen food for the past few months every night. I intended that to be a surprise for him, so I didn't tell him. And I made it a point to be quick, and rushed back to camp as early as I could. On my way back, I got a call from him and he told me that one of his colleagues got SOL and he'll be staying in with us. Of course I didn't like it. But I couldn't do anything... He just told me to look for him in his office. I was still at Changi V then, and I didn't want him to know. So I rushed back.. I managed to walk back to the ferry terminal in time to catch the next boat in. And I reached camp at 6.30pm.

When I told him that I bought Nasi Lemak for him from Changi V, he was pleasantly surprised. He asked me whether I was on half day off, and I said I wasn't.

"You went all the way to Changi Village to buy this?" He asked. I just nodded and he said I was crazy, still quite shocked that I did that. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't crazy, just crazy over him. But that's too mushy, and too forthcoming. I really couldn't say it.

Similarly, he asked whether I went to the canteen so early in the morning just to get him the milo. I said I did, expecting him to say that I'm crazy again.. Maybe being emotionally charged before departure gave me more courage to decide to be mushy for once. But he didn't. He only thanked me...

I followed him to the toilet to wash up. It's a habit - I always go to the toilet with him because he's scared of rats. And he has a difficult paranoia that the drag who hates him might attack him from some dark corners. That's when I left him. I really wanted to stay for longer but his colleagues were all coming in so I had to leave. Before I left, he told me to take care, and repeated my date of return for confirmation. He said he will remember. I really hope he will. I'll feel very hurt if he forgets. I left.

I booked out on Monday to sample the food for the DeepaRaya celebration. When I returned to camp, I bought a month's supply of convenient food and snacks for him. He's very lazy. He tends to skip meals when he feels too lazy to buy. When I'm not around, no one will be buying dinner for him, and I don't want him to skip dinner. So I told him to cook some cup noodles or eat some biscuits if he feels too lazy to buy dinner from the canteen. Or that can be an alternative to his usual dinner, which never changed over the 2 months I had been staying with him. I hope he's fine.

I'm leaving for Taiwan with quite a lot of worries this time. Not that much for myself, but for him. I hope he's safe in camp, and the drag doesn't do anything funny to harm him. And I wish he will finally acknowledge my feelings. Although I've never told him, I have been making it so clear. But actually, I was given a chance to be frank on Tuesday night - but I faltered. That's why it was an unbearable night.

Bye, people. Wish me all the best, please. I'll be away for the next 3 weeks.

2005-10-02T19:13:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, people like to make fun of me and say that I'm married. Just because I stay with him in camp, and everyone knows that we're not "just friends" although we insist that we are, and we behave like there's nothing between us whenever we appear together in public. Actually, I have a stalker in camp. I don't like him, but he's always looking for me. He'll always be on duty when I'm on duty. And he'll come to me and talk non-stop, even when I'm totally unresponsive. I don't have anything to talk to him. We're very different. We just can't communicate. I'm not stuck up or what but he's just not my cup of tea. So it'll be best if he'll just behave himself and stop bothering me. My drag colleague went to tell him to stop bothering me... "KT 结婚了。家里有老婆有孩子，不要再烦他了！" - that's what he said to the stalker... And he still keeps on pestering... Okay I don't like it. At times I wonder what about me attracted so much attention. I'm not good looking. I have incurable acne and I'm fat. I'll definitely not be on the receiving end of "love at first sight". Why did I get the 16-year old stalker last year? Why do I have a new army stalker now? Why were 2 drags lusting after me? And why was J so into me?

My colleague said I'm attractive. Not because of superficial qualities, but an air that I project. Bottoms can't resist me. For months I've been searching for the "je ne sais quoi" since I met J. I thought it would be so nice if I have the same kind of qualities - then I won't have to think about guys. Instead, guys will think of me. Aren't I greedy? But well, the very "je ne sais quoi" that I wanted to have is actually all along with me. Something that doesn't appeal to a lot of people. I'm just average, or even below the mark. But certain people, especially those bottoms who take the effort to talk to me, will fall to their knees. That's why I attracted so much attention. In addition to that, my scandal in camp also gave me too much publicity. All gays, be it tops or bottoms, know me since then. They were all curious about this mystical figure - this gay top whose sex life in camp is so openly exposed. And once I stood out in the public, with my designer clothes and glitter on my hair on the Cohesion Dinner night (being so out and about), and being half-drunk and almost made out with someone in the toilet, the missing link was found. I filled in the gap. They all knew who on earth is that "Corporal KT" everyone was talking about. They all knew how I looked like, and they finally verified my existence. I'm no longer elusive. I'm in fact very real. And all the attention was once again on me.

That's why.

Anyway, I don't care about what others say. I'm staying with him now. Thinking of getting into another relationship right after the end of one isn't exactly my style. I thought it's better to have a short refractory period, just for self-reflection and some time in singlehood. But with J around, I can't persuade myself to enjoy the freedom fully. Although I'm single, I still won't have the mood to flirt around as much. Even when some guys offer themselves, I still won't go ahead. I thought I should just have fun now that I'm not attached. Maybe go online and cruise a bit, get laid thrice a week and enjoy all the guys I can find. I admit - I'm flirtatious, I'm promiscuous. But since my episode with J, I couldn't make myself do it anymore. I feel it's wrong, although it really isn't. I have made no promises and I have no obligations. But still, I keep myself to him.

In fact, there's a lot of sexual frustration nowadays. Believe it or not - we've been staying together but there's close to zero intimacy. We've changed a lot. In the past, there was a lot of intimacy and passion in our clandestine relationship. Since I came back from Taiwan and found out about the extent to which the rumours abt us had spread, I made it a point to appear as "just friends" with him in public. It was mutually agreed then to be an act, and we should abstain from any intimacy for a month or so until the rumours have subsided. I thought it was reasonable. But now, it's been over a month. And still, nothing has happened. I'm not taking the initiative, I admit. But I've never been the one who makes the first move. He's always the one. Am I expecting too much? I really should change this.

The other night, I booked out. On the fastcraft out, he called me and talked for a while. He said he has finally made up his mind to quit smoking. He asked me whether I thought he deserved some rewards. As you can tell, with so much pent up sexual frustration, I thought he wanted sex. I thought he finally asked. But I was just thinking dirty... I played along. I asked him what he wanted. Then he said he wanted me to buy a cute pot of orchids. See - he fell in love with orchids suddenly. I was a bit disappointed that he wanted JUST orchids. But of course, I said I'll get it for him. The conversation was quite interesting. It's quite sweet, actually...

A few nights back, he was looking at the 2 pots of orchids in his office, thinking of how much water he should give them, how often he should fertilise them... I commented that he was treating the orchids like they were his babies. He just said that they really ARE his babies. I laughed because he was so cute when he said that.

And now, he actually wants me to get him orchids. He wants me to give him another baby? Hmm... Well, I told him it would be quite hard to find potted orchids because I'll be going back late. I asked him whether it's okay for me to buy it over the weekend and bring in on Monday morning. He said he wanted it then, and I'll attract too much attention if I bring a pot of orchid in on Monday. It's better to bring in at night. So I said I'll try my best to buy. He stressed that he wants the cutest and most beautiful one. And we'll take care of the flowers together so that it'll grow well. And it'll be "our plant"... It's the taking care of it together that makes it meaningful. I was genuinely quite touched by the thought. Of course, happy as hell too.

So I was determined to find him a pot of orchid that he'll like. As I reached Pasir Ris, I went to White Sands with my friend to look for florists. But they didn't sell potted plants. I only saw stalks of orchids. So I didn't buy... As I was going back to camp, I called Kaiyuan to ask her whether she knew of any place which sells potted orchids. She suggested Thompson. So I flagged a cab and asked the taxi driver where I can find potted orchids at that time, which was around 8.30pm. I told the driver that I heard that I could get them from Thompson and asked whether he knew of anywhere nearer. He then brought me to Jalan Kayu. We reached a nursery at around 8.50pm. And it closes at 9pm. So I was quite lucky that they were still open. I went in and looked around. After a while, I saw a pot of white orchids with purple lips. I remembered J asking me which colour suits him best and I said white. So that shall be it. I bought it and cabbed back to Tekong.

When I reached his office, the door was locked. So I called him. He said he fell asleep in his office and he walked out to open the door for me. I hid the pot behind the wall next to the door so that he couldn't see it. His sleepy eyes looked way cute. He looked like he had forgotten all about the orchid he asked me to buy. As he turned away, I grabbed his hand and held the pot in front of him. His eyes lit up once he saw the orchid. He was so happy and he couldn't believe that I really bought the flowers. He thought I wasn't serious when I said I'll buy. So silly... Then we spent the night arranging the plants and talking about the flowers.

Sometimes I ask myself why I'm willing to go all the way to make him happy. Do I really need him? What does he feel about me? In the past, I was quite certain that he wanted to be with me. But I was indecisive. I couldn't make any promises. I still remember this once when he asked me whether I liked him or I loved him. I was really shocked that he asked. I didn't know the answer. I just told him that I thought it takes a lot to love a person. And for then, we should just take it that I liked him well enough. He wasn't very happy that night. We didn't talk much after that. I knew I blew it. I knew I gave the chance away. But in fact, I really just wanted to be responsible. I didn't want to tell him that I loved him when I myself wasn't that sure, after all, that I really do love him. Or maybe, I said all that because back then, I was too afraid to admit and accept that I really fall in love so easily. I never liked to feel vulnerable. But a man in love is when he's most vulnerable.

He gave me many chances but I gave up all of them. I suck. I just wish he could give me one more chance to say what I feel. I don't care anymore. I need to be with him. Regretfully, I loved him all along. But I've never told him that, even when we were most intimate...... Just one more chance, please.

2005-09-04T20:13:00.000+08:00

I saw some pictures on someone's blog taken from Google Earth. Very cool program that captures satellite pictures. I downloaded and installed and guess what? I was able to get clear pictures of Tekong! Look at this:

This is Ladang complex, where my office (TMS/CCOPT), HQ BMTC, BMTC School 1 and BMTC School 2 are. I saw SISPEC but it was covered by clouds so I didn't save the pic...

This picture shows where my and J's offices are. Quite close, right?

Tekong Ferry Terminal (TFT). The portal between civilian and military. Something's amiss.... Only 2 of 3 HLs (Harbour Launch) are seen. Someone must have activated it...

Ok. I have a picture taken from the Cohesion Dinner too!

This is Celest - drag queen colleague. From my office. Picture taken with my phone so I can upload immediately. Some more pictures of the other drags are taken with Celest's digital camera. Will get from her and upload once available...

2005-09-04T15:17:00.000+08:00

Tiu nokto, post la Cohesion Dinner, mi ree pensis pri lin. Mi reale volas esti lia koramiko. Sed mi opiniis, ĝi estas malebla. Mi opiniis, li volus esti kun min se mi vian koron per vorto afekcias. Do mi volis sendi vin unu mesaĝo.

Mi estos dormi. Mi daûre pensantas pri vin. Mi scias, mi ne devas. Sed mi ne povas regi mian koron. Eble la alkoholo tiun okazigas. Mi malscias. Mi ankoraû memoras unu demando, kion estis demanditas de vi. Kaj mi pensis ĝin estis ne tute facila. Nur, mi diris: "Mi sufiĉe ŝatas vin". Sed ĉu scias vi? Mi kredas, mi tiun devis ĉar mi estis tro timema. Mi malkuraĝis koncedi, malkuraĝis akcepti la fakto, kiu mi amas vin. Mi nur volas diri vin, mi ne havis pensi, vin premisas. Kaj mi volas diri vin pro mia sentoj por vin en la tuta de la 3 monatoj, depost nia unua rendevuo... Kio ajn la rezulto estos.

Mi povas vidi la fakto, kiu via koramiko vin tute amas. Mi ne volas esti la tria persono en via amo. Do, mi pensas pri retretas. Eble, ni ne devas ree rendevui. Kio ajn ĝi estas, mi ankoraû amas vin. Forgesas min, bv.

Mi ne sendis la mesaĝon.

Hieraû, mi ree vidis lin. Li estis kun lia koramiko. Mia koro estis frakasa. Nun mi volas ĉiuj malokazis...

2005-08-28T19:44:00.000+08:00

I'm running out of topics to write about again. Hmm... I thought of ranking the guys in my office according to "dateability"... Guess that would be quite interesting. I already have the top 3 in my mind - those whom I'll die to go out with. Haha.

Okay. Regarding the rumours about J and I, I think I've found out quite a fair bit of information from a few of my peers. I believe I have the upperhand now, and I know who's the culprit behind all these nasty gossips. I'll just take things one step at a time, and pretend that I don't care. If anything crops up, I'll take appropriate actions. I've done enough damage control and I believe things can't go too wrong. And I'm extremely careful in the things I do and say in the presence of certain people. Some people may appear nice, but they're the most lethal... I guess if I fall one day, they'll be revelling in their sick Schadenfreude.

Unit cohesion on Friday. And I'm supposed to be the emcee. Drag show again. I guess there won't be a single straight guy on the stage then.... I'll be clad in designer clothes again. I think I'll leave work early on Friday, go home and dress up. Maybe make an appointment at Shunji too so that I can get my hair styled right before I leave for the event. I must look better than those drags. Hah!

2005-08-15T18:39:00.000+08:00

I'm finally back!

Actually I really enjoyed my stay in Taiwan. It's a very nice place to shop in, and the people are really quite friendly. I met my uncle and aunt, and Koon Yen there, and they just brought me around to shop and to eat... But I think I didn't put on any weight. Thank goodness.

The first part of my trip was at Douliu, Meilin Camp. It's quite a nice camp, really. There's water heater and 2 shops outside. The toilets are superb. 2 toilets and 2 bathrooms per level, with at least 30 cubicles each... I couldn't finish using all the cubicles even if I change cubicle every day. Rooms are not too bad, just a tad too hot. But that's because of the weather... The shops outside the camp are cool. They have this bell thingy attached to the walls so whoever wants to buy things will just go to the wall and press the bell. Then a lady will pop up from behind the wall and ask what u want to buy. U place your order and wait at the wall and she'll bring the item to u over the wall, under the concertina wires... There's close to no regimentation in the camp so it's nice... And Taiwanese army guys are cute. :-D

When I went outfield to support exercises, I was deployed outside a temple at a village. We call that deployment ground "Heaven". All the locations have cool names that we use instead of the Taiwanese names indicated on civilian maps. Well, this village at Heaven has a few nice food stalls. I always buy chicken cutlet and soya drink from them.. Tried their 陽春面. Very nice.

So my breakfast was always noodles and soya bought from those roadside stalls. Then when there's nothing to do, I'll go and buy 雞排 in the afternoon... Also ate a lot of 甜不辣 and 臭豆腐. Their fried mushrooms are nice too.

I brought very little money to Taiwan cos I didn't expect to spend too much. When I touched down, I had only NT$3000 and S$100. So I went on to buy what I needed to buy and eat what I wanted to eat. By the time I left Meilin Camp, I was left with only NT$500 and S$100. I spent 1 day of my R&R without much money. But I got my money topped up by my uncle and Koon Yen. :-) Uncle gave me NT$5000 and I changed my SGD with Koon Yen at a VERY good rate. 1:20. So I got NT$7000 on my first night at Taipei.

I'll not talk much about the R&R cos it's not too spectacular. I enjoyed the free time more. R&R was basically theme parks one after another in which I'll just take the most thrilling rides and spend the rest of the time walking around and enjoying the "scenery of Taiwan". You should know I'm referring to the cute guys. I find it a miracle that I actually didn't use any of the 3 condoms SAF issued to us throughout the trip. Taiwanese guys are SOOO cute!

I spent some time talking to Koon Yen at the Starbucks at 西門町. The coffee culture in Taiwan is quite impressive. Most of the cafes they have there are big and double-storey. They have good coffee too. But one thing is that they translated all the coffee names to Chinese. So they call Latte 拿鐵, and it sounds ridiculously awful. Cappucino is 卡普基諾. Equally awful. Haha...

It was the 7th day of the 7th Lunar month (Chinese Valentine's day) when I went to Starbucks with Koon Yen. So there were many couples around. I needed a man so much. :-p We saw a paper bag with flowers and a box of chocolates beside our table. After a long time, no one came to pick it up. Later, Koon Yen's chief clerk called and she came to join us. She just happened to be touring Taiwan then. What a coincidence. Met her when I sent Koon Yen off. But she didn't recognise me. But it's okay, at least she's not a cute guy. It feels kind of sucky if a cute guy can't recognise you. Really. So we were talking about Taiwan and someone called Koon Yen so I just continued talking to the chief clerk. I asked Koon Yen if that someone wants to talk to me cos I REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW HE SOUNDS LIKE! But he didn't want to. WHY???!? Am I so scary? Okay although we've all established that I'm officially a slut, I won't eat people up over the phone..... :-(

Over the few days in Taipei, I bought quite a lot of things. Among them are a condom wrapped in chewing gum wrapper which i habitually bring with me all the time now, a trick pen which will give the user an electric shock and strips of paper which will explode when stuffed into a cigarette and lighted. I also bought some clothes, a pair of pants and a belt. Nice. It's a good shopping trip. I went to Taipei 101 and saw a lot of boutiques. Not enough time to shop around so only got a pair of shoes... When I arrived in Singapore, I was dragging my feet clumsily with a roller luggage bag, a sling bag and 6 shopping bags... Really bought too much. If I'm going there again, I'm so going to bring a larger luggage bag.

Anyway, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straight_man - this is quite funny. I didn't know "straight man" is a term used in comedies. I got this when I typed "What is a straight man?" in Google. Haha.

2005-07-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

I love Ferragamo.

2 years ago I owned my first bottle of Ferragamo perfume. Subtil Pour Homme. I still think it's damn nice. That was the period of time when I changed scent almost everyday because I had 5 bottles... Of all, I still love Ferragamo the most. And now, my mum just bought me a bottle of Ferragamo Incanto Pour Homme. Latest fragrance for men from Ferragamo! Simply love the bottle and the scent.

I like perfume bottles. Ferragamo has nice bottles, and so does Roberto Cavalli. Especially the Pour Femme fragrance. Very very nice. Thierry Mugler has nice comical bottles too. I especially like the bottle of the Angel fragrance by Thierry Mugler. Too bad it's for ladies, and the scent isn't very pleasant. The salesgirl gave my mum a complimentary tube of Incanto Pour Homme shower gel. That's really so nice. I'm going to finish the Ferragame Pour Femme shower gel first...

Right - I'm flying in 2 days' time. My flight is on Saturday night, flying by SIA. Coming back on 14th August. People please miss me. I'll appreciate if you do. :-D Bye all!

2005-07-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

Rules of a Love Affair

Imagine 3 people - you, your boyfriend (A) and your boyfriend-in-adultery (B).

Love affairs are simple. They're for people who think loving more than one person at a time is possible. Some people believe that they have too much to give, that loving one person is just not enough. Or that men/women are just SO attractive they can't stick to one. But whoever they sleep with, they are serious with him/her. Hence "love" affair, and not just an affair. This is not a simple game to play, but those who know their way through it will enjoy, and always be in control.

Remember, love affairs are different from affairs. There must be love in a love affair. You cannot just screw the person and run away, going back for another hot steamy session. That is just an affair, not a love affair. What I'm writing here only apply to love affairs. Don't be confused.

1. You may love A a lot, but when you met B, you felt like you're in love once again. B is willing to be with you and he doesn't mind you being with A at the same time. You make a pact with B that you'll spend certain days of the week with him and the rest of the time with A. So stick with it. If you've agreed to be with B on all Mondays and Fridays, then B is a stranger on Tuesdays, Wednesdays blah blah blah...

2. Whoever comes first should have the priority in being with you. A is your official boyfriend. You met him first so if A asks you out for a movie on Monday, you must not turn him down just because of B. If B throws a fit because of that, remember, you love B so be nice and compromise. Compensate by taking a day with A off (one when A isn't free himself, and you have nothing better to do alone) and spend the time with B. And make sure it's hell of a good time.

3. When you're with A, never talk about B. Don't even suggest the slightest possibility that you know B. If A doesn't know B, all the better. Keep it that way and pray it stays that way. When you're with B, never talk about A. Best is not to let him know A's name, his occupation and most importanly, his contact information and picture!

4. Don't let friends know that you're having an affair. If you're gay, STEER CLEAR FROM YOUR FAG HAGS!

5. Never store B's name in your phonebook as anything more than the name. Delete all SMSes from him when meeting A. And when you're with B, never allow him to play with your handphone. Also beware of his phone. Don't let him take pictures of you. Demand that you need your private space, although you can give him everything else that he wants.

6. If you're having your first affair, NEVER let B know about it. Act like you have Xiaxue's hitcounter on your G-spot. Must always be in control. Never let B turn possessive. At the end of the day, your boyfriend is still A.

7. If you so happen to break up with A, don't let B know about it. Fake that you're still with A until B shows signs of being in love with you and you're sure youself that you don't mind turning the love affair into a real loving relationshop AND both you and B trust that you both won't cheat again (which is unlikely) then you may carry on and give him the green light to start impressing you all over again. It's time to play princess. Don't give in too easily. Reject if you must. But when your B becomes your A, you have to play a different game - called fidelity.

--
Great Singapore Sale

It's the time of the year again. I've been out on a few shopping trips, and bagged some real great deals. Also made some great discoveries, here's to share.

As you all should know, I don't really care much about anything GSS offers other than fashion dicounts so my GSS report only talks about fashion.

Alright - here's what I've got:

1. Pure white pants from Zara
2. Shoes from Zara
3. Blue T shirt from Versus
4. Black T shirt from A|X
5. White T shirt from DKNY

I wanted to get a pair of Cavalli jeans today but the shop wasn't open. So didn't buy. Maybe next time... Actually I just found the Club 21 boutique. :-) I went to Hilton today to look at the Issey Miyake and Moschino collection. Moschino isn't too bad, but they look cheap... Somehow they don't give me the feel of clothes from a haute couture house. Issey Miyake is far from haute couture, in my opinion, but their designs are really quite impressive. Imagine bright striking colours contrasting each other. Hard to wear and pull it off but still, I'd say it's simplistic elegance in modern fashion. People say Prada has intelligent designs but I don't see what's so intelligent in the current collection, or even the last. If y'all still remember - the dumb-looking S/S robots???! Just as much a faux pas as the Louis Vuitton cherries. What do they think they're doing???

Right - on to Club 21. I found a wide range of labels there. Alexander McQueen is damn good. Yes. McQueen. Rather queeny. I don't think straight men will wear McQueen. But straight men don't wear good stuff anyway. So heck it. I've seen my straight pals transcending from the mainstream male fashion (read Billabong) to mainstream high fashion like CK, A|X and Hugo Boss. But what about anything more than that? Contemporary labels with a touch of elegance, Paul Smith? Simplistic stylish chic, Yves Saint Laurent? Ultimate haute couture house, Valentino?? Well, daring flamboyance in Versace? Wild and overflowing style of Roberto Cavalli?? Gentlemanly and classy, as in Ermenegildo Zegna? Nope. Straight men won't try these. They still think clothes are just cloths that keep them away from the court.

Ugh sorry about that. Some straight man stepped on my tail again.

Continue with my Club 21 adventure. Heh. I saw a lot of different labels there which I've always wanted to try. Saw Comme des Garcons, Marc Jacob, Junya Watanabe (!!) and Yohji Yamamoto (!!!! - NOT Y3, which can be found at Blackjack). Yohji Yamamoto is one intelligent designer. His designs are so unique. I love his pieces. But I think Y3 is a mistake. An established designer on Milan runway working with (or for???) _ADIDAS_!!?? Out of his mind... Agnes b. is still alright, at least she's working with Le Coq Sportif to promote the arts. I'm her supporter, by the way. Yup, Junya Watanabe is good. Lots of colours, so bold and daring that Donatella will shrink to a corner. What's good about Watanabe's designs is that in the flamboyance, there is a feel of masculinity. As in the clothes are obviously cut for men. Look at Donatella... Or even Gianni when he was still alive and master of the house of Versace, the clothes are cut in such a way that any man wearing them will look like a queen. Even tops look like bottoms. But they're nice in their own ways. Especially material. And I sort of like the Versace cutting. Watanabe's cutting is always very straight, something like Hugo Boss. But even Boss is moving towards the metrosexual crowd, wooing them with slim cuts and all. Watanabe only does the colours right, but missed the cutting. Maybe that's his way of expressing his style? Well, still nice.

Paul Smith is still very contemparary. But I've seen a pair of jeans with VERY good cutting from the Wisma Paul Smith boutique. And there're a few pieces of top which really attracted me to them but the price tags were too heavy. I mean, they're contemporary pieces, so they must look too ordinary for me. But don't think I don't appreciate contemporary stuff. I adore Patek Philippe and despise Rolex. So there. I can see the good in them. But I just don't think they suit me. I want something avant garde... Like Agnes b.? Maybe people who see me often will notice that I wear quite a lot of Versace. That's because it's a label that's far from being contemporary...

2005-07-10T14:47:00.000+08:00

I shall write on the chosen topic next week. Now I feel like doing the most mundane thing people always do on their blogs. And I've done it a few times before.

Post lyrics!

Alright - I post them for a purpose. Those who've seen my comment in my previous entry... I mentioned about the Phantom of the Opera song. Yeah, the lyrics are very nice. And reeeally, I've past the point of no return.

Phantom of the Opera - The Point of No Return

PHANTOM

You have come here
In pursuit of your deepest urge
In pursuit of a wish which till now
Has been silent
Silent...

I have brought you
That our passions may fuse and merge
In your mind you've already succumbed to me
Dropped all defences, completely succumbed to me
Now you are here with me
No second thoughts
You've decided
Decided...

Past the point of no return
No backward glances
The games we've played till now are at an end
Past all thoughts of "if" or "when"
No use resisting
Abandon thought and let the dream descend

What raging fire shall flood the soul
What rich desire unlocks its door
What sweet seduction lies before us

Past the point of no return
The final threshold
What warm unspoken secrets will we learn
Beyond the point of no return

CHRISTINE

You have brought me
To the moment when words run dry
To the moment when speech disappears into silence
Silence...

I have come here
Hardly knowing the reason why
In my mind I've already imagined
Our bodies entwining, defenceless and silent
And now I am here with you
No second thoughts
I've decided
Decided...

Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion play has now, at last, begun

Past all thoughts of right or wrong
One final question
How long should we two wait before we're one
When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud bursts into bloom
When will the flames of lust consume us

PHANTOM & CHRISTINE

Past the point of no return
The final threshold
The bridge is crossed so stand and watch it burn
We've past the point of no return

--

Another song I've been listening to is 一千年以后 by 林俊杰. Don't want to post lyrics here because it's quite popular. I believe a lot of people already knew.

Then there is Für Dich, a German song by Yvonne Catterfeld. Although her singing isn't fantastic, I think the lyrics are very nice.

Für Dich

Ich spür' Dich in meinen Träumen
Ich schließ' Dich darin ein
Und ich werd' immer bei Dir sein
Ich halt' Dich wie den Regenbogen
Ganz fest am Horizont
Weil mit Dir der Morgen wieder kommt

Für Dich schiebe ich die Wolken weiter
Sonst siehst Du den Sternenhimmel nicht
Für Dich dreh' ich so lang an der Erde
Bis Du wieder bei mir bist
Für Dich mach' ich jeden Tag unendlich
Für Dich bin ich noch heller als das Licht
Für Dich wein' und schrei' und lach' und leb' ich
Und das alles nur für Dich

Und wenn ich Dich so vermisse
Bewahr' ich die Tränen auf für Dich
Du machst ein Lachen draus für mich
Ich hör' Dich ganz ohne Worte
Ich fühle, wo Du bist
Auch wenn es noch so dunkel ist

Für Dich schiebe ich die Wolken weiter
Sonst siehst du den Sternenhimmel nicht
Für Dich dreh' ich so lang an der Erde
Bis du wieder bei mir bist
Für Dich mach' ich jeden Tag unendlich
Für Dich bin ich noch heller als das Licht
Für Dich wein' und schrei' und lach' und leb' ich
Und das alles nur für Dich

Für Dich schiebe ich die Wolken weiter
Sonst siehst du den Sternenhimmel nicht
Für Dich wein' und schrei' und lach' und leb' ich
Nur für Dich

Translation:

I feel you in my dreams
(don't know)
And I want to be always with you (?)
I (dont know) you like the rainbow
Quite fast on the horizon (?)
But with you the morning comes again

For you I push the clouds further
But you don't see the starry sky
For you I (don't know) so long on the Earth
Until you are again with me
For you I make everyday endless
For you, I am brighter than the light
For you, I cry, scream, laugh and live
And that all are only for you

And when I miss you so
I keep the tears on for you
You make a laughter for me (?)
I hear you completely without words (?)
I feel where you are
Even when it is still so dark

My German improving? Haha.... :-p

2005-07-02T14:58:00.000+08:00

I wanted to continue my story but I think it'll be too saucy for the general audience so I think I'll do what the media always does - self-censor. I'll not talk about it. I mean, just talking about thermoflask can sound gross (it is, actually... but I've got used to it), what responses can you expect if I go on? Hmmm... Oh! KT, I've never imagined you to be such a slut! Or Oh my god you're so loose?? You get the idea?

Ok.

I was actually thinking of what I should write as my next post last night when I was showering after chatting with Kaiyuan... The possible topics were:

1. Second part of my story (R21)
2. Introduction to the male erogenous zones - inspired by someone :-p (R21)
3. Drags and gay bottoms (M18)
4. Camp life (G)
5. Camp life (PG)
6. Camp life (NC16)
7. Camp life (M18)
8. Camp life (R21)
9. Great Singapore Sale (PG)
10. Rules of a love affair (M18)

I find it quite hard to decide what I want to write on. Now I let the audience vote for what they want to see. But I think (1) is definitely out cos it'll be quite erm... Gross? Hahahaa...

2005-06-22T20:15:00.000+08:00

I know - I really haven't been updating in ages. I've been so busy lately. Okay - last Saturday was IPPT. Burnt weekend cos Saturday was IPPT and Sunday was duty (bought for $100!! Yay!). Right after duty was ATP. Sucked cos not enough rest. But did well for day shoot on Tuesday. Today, Wednesday, was SISPEC lesson. Golf today. Guys are not bad. Oh I think I should stop judging my trainees by looks. I'll lose my professionalism soon if this carries on. But really difficult. Hah. I'll be burning this entire weekend too because there's SISPEC lesson on Saturday - full day. Morning is lecture conducted by me and afternoon is practical lesson and I'll be taking one module. Sunday is duty again. My own, regimental. So too bad. :-( Got to rush off for SISPEC test on Monday right after duty. How bad does it sound? Well, everything has been crashing down on to me last week. And this week hasn't been pleasant so far...

Some things have changed in my life. And I have to thank certain people for giving me this exposure, and this valuable lesson in life. I feel framed, exposed, and naked in the public.

Remember J? I've mentioned about him few posts back. Well, I'm going to be very honest in this post because I take this as a confession. So what I write here could be intriguing to some, but not to all. If you decide that you might not be able to take it, you may stop here. Actually I'm falling in love with confessions - the juiciest and sauciest stories of all. I'm reading this book titled "Boy Culture". It's a confession of this gay hooker. Very candid language. I'm trying to do something like that. The I-don't-give-a-damn style that I want to write in. I don't care if others reading this may judge me. No one is perfect. We are only human after all (I recall the BABES ad on radio.....) and we all make mistakes, or succumb to temptation. We are all careless in some ways. So don't blame me. I'm blaming myself enough if you really need to know.

Alright the story starts here.

It was a warm afternoon and I was sleeping in my bunk with all my bunk mates doing their own things elsewhere. In other words, I was sleeping alone. In my sleep, I heard the sound of my phone ringing and it wasn't long before I discovered that my phone was really ringing and I wasn't dreaming. I woke up and picked up the call. It was J calling from his office. "Hey where are you?" He asked. I told him that I was in my bunk sleeping. He asked whether I was with anyone and I told him that no one was around - that I was alone. "Can I come up and look for you?"

"Of course."

Minutes after the end of the conversation, he was already at my bunk, in admin attire (one of the attires in the Army. Basically grey t-shirt and black shorts). He came to me and I offered him a seat in one of the chairs. He told me that his superior made him go for a run to keep fit, and he was feeling hungry. Of course, I wouldn't leave him alone like that. So I went searching for food in my bunk but I didn't find anything. Cos all I had was coffee and even that was locked inside a locker which I don't have the key to.

"I don't think I have any food for you... So sorry," I told him. "It's okay then." He said while he stood up and walked around to see what I have in my bunk. We talked for a while, about things which I've forgotten by now. It wasn't long before he finally settled down on his chair again. I sat down, facing him. And he looked at me, with a long, awkward silence. I really hated the silence.

"What?" He asked, flirtatiously.
"Nothing..." I mumbled, maintaining the eye contact.

Actually I knew what was in his mind. It doesn't take much brains to register the "What?" as a prelude to flirting. It really was.

And after that was awkward silence again. He stood up after a while and walked towards me. By then, my heart was already beating so fast that I thought I was running the distance he ran before meeting me. He stopped in front of me, turned to the side and sat on my laps. To be honest, it was really great. I like physical contact, you see... It's the intimacy, hugging and kissing that sends me to heaven. I don't need a lot of sex in a relationship. In fact, if I have sex everyday in my relationship, I'll be able to take a thermoflask by now, which I think is scary. Anyway, hugging and kissing are good, so is close physical intimacy. Touching each other or just that - what J was doing...

"Please... Don't." I stammered. "People might come in any time."
"Who will come?"
"Anyone. I don't stay here alone... The door can't be locked."
"No one will come here at this time. Don't worry." J said as he put his arms around my neck, clinging on to my like a cute koala bear. I held him by his waist and leaned forward, kissed him on his lips.

"I feel like doing something naughty." J said in my ear, in a very soft voice that I could barely make out what he was saying.
"Oh no. We can't..."
"Not sex lah." He interrupted. "I want to hug and kiss in bed."
"You're really very wild." I said.
"Can you carry me to your bed?" He asked.

And I did just as he wanted. Somehow, I forgot the role in this relationship. I'm supposed to be top. I guess I'm too used to be bottom... I brought him to my bed and I just collapsed, with him on top of me. Only then did I remember that it's a role reversal, and it's not very pleasant for him since he's exclusively bottom while I, on the other hand, is comparatively versatile. So this is something the Taiwanese would call "地盖天"...

We kissed in bed, with him on top, keeping in mind that there must not be anything more than kissing. After a while, we heard the door open and he lifted his head only to see the door ajar, closing on its own slowly with the wind.

"Shit. Someone came." He said.

We immediately sprang up and he went behind the door. I opened and saw my bunk mate (from another department, luckily) walking towards the toilet. I told J that it was my bunk mate who saw what happened. We panicked for a while and J decided to leave the bunk. I assured him that it's okay since that guy is very quiet and he doesn't interact much with others. So it doesn't really matter, actually. Still, J left. I walked to the toilet and saw S inside. He saw me and left. I left after washing my face. As I entered the bunk, S left, smiling at me as a form of courtesy, I guess. I returned the smile and went in.

I'm dead sure he saw the kissing. But I swear to whoever's watching above that we were both decently clothed. FULLY clothed.

Then I went down for the last parade (attendance taking thingy before the end of the work day). At the last parade, everyone from S' department were staring at me like I was some zoo animal. I was thinking to myself, "damn! Stupid S and his big mouth."

It has been weeks since that day, and rumours spread until not only CCO, but also BMTC and SISPEC know about this. Gossips really travel. Even the barber heard about it. And I don't believe S was the one behind this. His department is very isolated, and it's impossible that something known within his department will travel so far. But, on the other hand, my colleague whom I confide in, is very close to the barber. And the barber blabbers about any latest gossip in camp to whoever is eager to listen in her shop. I believe that's how the story spread. I didn't expect my colleague to gossip about me behind my back. Anyway, this is only my guess which I can't confirm. I'm afraid to, in fact, because I still choose to believe him. I don't know anyone else who I can trust in camp.

But now, I feel like verifying my suspicion. I'm quite pissed, really. I feel like he's screwing my brains up. Await my next, saucier story.

I'm quite sure this will attract some negative comments. But save that to yourself please.

2005-06-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

Es ist schließlich eine Wirklichkeit. Aber ich weiß nicht, ob es gut oder schlecht ist. Er ist bevorstehend und ich liebe die Aufregung. Wie ist das Dauern dieses? Ich bin konfus.

2005-05-27T00:53:00.000+08:00

I've been reading German books these few days. Just bought 2 new books from a sale. $2 each. One is a vocab book and another's a phrase book. So now I have 1 grammar, 1 vocab and 1 phrase book. 3 altogether for me to learn the basics of the language... I wanted to write in Kaiyuan's birthday card in German but I didn't know anything related to birthday other than "Geburtstag", which means "birthday". But I found "happy birthday" in the phrase book:

Herzlichen Glückwunsch von Geburtstag

Damn long..... I wonder how the German birthday song will sound like. Hmmm..

Okay - Ich habe ihn, schließlich gefunden. Ich denke, daß er mich vermeidet. Ich wünsche ein Herz schicken ihm auf Fridae, aber er liebt es nicht. :-( Was ist mit mir? Hat er Zeit zu treffen für das Mittagessen? Oder mehr...

2005-05-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

I typed a new post but com crashed when I was about to publish. Sometimes I really can be SOOOO lucky. Damn it! No mood to rewrite.

2005-05-04T22:39:00.000+08:00

I'm participating in the Microsoft Windows Server 2003 beta and I read this post in the newsgroup. I just found it very funny.

Umlaut? What's an Umlaut?

Hi all,
hey, MS, check your database program.
My address in Dresden has been Förstereistraße. Look what you have made of the Umlaute (attached jpg). Fortunatly DHL called me "We can't read the address, please help us"...

;-) I hope this hasn't been introduced with R2 ;)

Alright. I still think J's attractive but there's no progress as yet. I still don't dare to take the first move... I've been exercising quite intensively the past 3 weeks but seems like I haven't slimmed down much. I only feel that my pants are getting a little bit looser and that's all the progress I've got. My colleague thinks I look tanner and healthier though. Could be some improvement. But that's not important. Most important is that I MUST SLIM DOWN. After slimming down I'll be concentrating on my skin. I want flawless skin like my cute clerk!!!! I know that's impossible unless I go for grafting. But I'll still hope for the best that I can get without surgery...

I saw him at the canteen today. He was just in front of me buying drinks. I remember my colleague telling me to seize the opportunity to approach him casually when I see him at the cookhouse or canteen in front of me again, just like the first few days after I first saw him. But I didn't say anything. I even avoided eye contact with him. I asked Daniel to buy drinks for me and I went away... Damn coward. Then I saw him leave the canteen with his friends. He might have seen me there but I think he didn't bother to look at me. Or maybe he really didn't notice. But I remember every detail. His voice is still in my head. Argh...

This is really a problem. It shouldn't be happening to me! Argh! Alright - I believe I mentioned about a new lifeguard posted to my place. He came out to me last week and has been behaving funny and suggestively since then. I'm NOT comfortable with that because I have no intention of taking things a step further with him. I even think he's a dangerous person to mix with... So I've been avoiding him a little but he doesn't seem to get it. He still fools around with me. I don't like it a lot. He's not bad looking... Good skin, nice body... But quite small build. I think shorter than most girls. So that's actually quite bad. But that's not the issue. Even if he was tall and manly I'll still not flirt around with him like he does with me. And what's worse? He's bi with a girlfriend. I told him to just stick with girls and forget about guys if he is even attracted to girls. The world is kinder to straight people. At least they don't get weird stares when they hold hands in public. At least they can marry in Singapore and everyone will celebrate for them.

I had a very nice colleague but he's clearing leave. He's going to ORD soon and I'll definitely miss him. In fact, I'm missing him a lot now. He has a very stable relationship and he's getting married next year. He has been together with his girlfriend for 5 years and that's really a long time. They've gone through a lot and it's really sweet when he told me that he'll definitely invite me to their wedding next year. I'm really happy for him, just like all his friends and relatives. But at the same time, sad for myself because I don't think such a day will come for me. Straight people get married and the world cheers for them; they make a baby and the world cheers again. If the day really comes when I decide to stay with my partner for life, and he loves me just as much to reach the same decision, what will we be doing? There'll be no signing of paper, cutting of cake, exchanging of rings and kissing in front of friends and family. All will be a silent promise which no one knows. Maybe only a few friends and family members who know of our taboo relationship. Why is this so unfair?

Sometimes I really get very tired of talking to straight guys. We're indeed on different frequencies. Straight guys don't understand us, or they refuse to understand even if they claim they understand. They don't think they need to spend the time to think for us because they think we're just creating trouble for ourselves. It's not the first time when I hear "friends" telling me that turning straight is the best way to resolve all the problems. Go screw yourself. If it's impossible for you to "turn gay", why do you think it is possible for me to "turn straight"??? Just because being heterosexual is the "default prototype" of humans? That's not true, by the way. It's really tiring, you know? So tiring that I can't even be bothered to explain myself sometimes when they make ridiculous comments. I just brush them aside. And it's very hurting sometimes. But they don't care. The world is theirs - they contribute to population growth and they maintain the traditional family unit. What more can I say? They are great people and we're just minions subject to their ridicule. The word "gay" is being hurled at people as insults. Why must there be a negative connotation attached to human sexuality? I personally can't accept heterosexual activities and I still don't understand lesbians because I don't see why anyone wouldn't prefer a man (okay this is too controversial but it's exactly how I feel!!) but I never showed my disgust when my straight colleagues talk about their weekend escapades and show off their experiences. It's disturbing. It's even worse when I found out that they downloaded porn with the office computer... But I just kept quiet for the sake of harmony.

But why can't straight people keep quiet and mind their own business? Leave us alone, will you? Idiots. You need to be in our shoes to understand how we feel. Please, if you have ever abused anyone because of his being gay or just being effeminate, you need to touch your heart and ask yourself what if you were born like that too. Ask yourself what if the whole world blames you for a crime which was not committed, or maybe the very crime is your being born. Go figure and repent, straights...

2005-04-17T00:01:00.000+08:00

I spent a lot of time at SISPEC giving lectures and conducting tests. Everything ended on Monday but Alpha requested for re-test for 3 trainees on Tuesday. So we went down again... Basically I enjoyed teaching this batch of trainees. They're quite nice and not forgetting the few cute guys in some of the companies. Heh. Delta and Golf have the most eye candies this batch. Saw a few juniors there. Adrian is in Foxtrot... Shan Yong is in Delta. Took Adrian for test and he's quite okay. Not too bad. Some of my cat high juniors were there too. All did quite well. So happy. Daniel compiled the results and sent them to SISPEC on Tuesday. Hope they all did well. :-)

SISPEC canteen rules. The aunties can really cook. I love their Mee Goreng and chicken cutlet. Compared to CCO canteen, SISPEC's is more hygienic. CCO canteen's hygiene condition is quite bad. I suggested to conduct monthly spot checks on the stalls and impose fines or other forms of punishment if they fail to meet the standard. Sometimes can see flies and even cockroaches. Disgusting. And I doubt the freshness of the food they sell.

Well, these few days have been quite tiring. I've been staying in to exercise. Run at night with Sasi and Kenneth. They're fun pple to exercise with. Sasi is super fit. Good motivation. I need people to force me to exercise. I myself don't have the discipline to keep to an exercise regime. Well I actually took half day off on Thursday but stayed in camp. I stayed to swim and do gym because if I didn't, I'm sure I'll be called back to office. People think I belong to Signal section so I must be damn free and office won't disturb me. So they thought I was being absurd when I told them my reason... I proved them wrong on Friday. I went to swim with my gay colleagues right after roll call and arranged with cute clerk "Al" to do gym at 3pm... I switched my hp off and left it in the pool office so that they can't contact me. BUT they actually called the pool office to get me back to office at 2.45pm. Damn. I was swimming and looking at the cute officer in the pool and they had to call me back. And on top of that, Al just arrived when I had to leave... Ugh. So I told him to stay in the gym and wait for me. I'll be quick.

Went back to office to finish up the work and rushed out again. On my way to the pool, office clerk called and told me to go back again. Damn I ran back and quickly finished whatever was required of me and rushed back to meet Al in the gym. Can't lose this opportunity. Haha... Just as I stepped out of the office building, Al SMSed me to ask whether I'll go back to gym. I called him immediately as I was afraid he might be leaving already... It's 3.35pm if I'm not wrong.... Luckily, he wasn't about to leave. So I went back and joined him at the gym. He has an amazing build for a clerk - that's all I can say of him. Very nice guy, cute and good body. And yes, he's attached. Bummer....

That was a pleasant half-hour spent in the gym. After a day of swimming and gym, my body started aching. Waking up was quite a pain today...

As I booked out on Wednesday heading home from Tampines MRT station, I was approached by some people selling charity tickets. Normally I'll avoid them with a left/right flank but too bad, the station exit was too narrow and too crowded and I was sandwiched between two bitched and horrors of horrors, I saw this other bitch carrying a donation tin in front of us. To my sides were fat bitches and I had no way to escape. No choice, I was stopped. She just kept pestering me to donate, pointing at my rank and saying that since I have a rank, I couldn't be poor. Damn you idiot! My pay is like peanuts. And talking about my rank just makes my blood boil but I couldn't have hit her cos it's double offence as I was in uniform. Damn. So I tried to calm down and donated 20 cents. Just as I dropped the coin inside the tin, her partner, an ugly straight guy came to me and asked me to donate. I refused and he started saying that I "重色轻友". What crap? First, I'm not his friend so this can't be true. Second, did I look the slightest bit straight just because I was in uniform??? So I turned to him and started turning queeny. Told him "要是我重色轻友我就捐给你了！我是302！" just to scare the daylights out of him. Couldn't be bothered to look at his reaction. Just turned and left. Irritating people.

Well, I have a serious issue. As I was booking in on Monday morning, I saw this guy with the infamous drag queen (IDQ) of Tekong. I've never talked to IDQ before so I didn't approach either of them. The guy (J) was clearly gay. And he's quite cute. It's the je ne sais quoi, as my colleague and I always put it, that attracted me to him just so easily. So I went back to office and told my colleague about him. I didn't know his name but my colleague knew whom I was referring to cos he knows IDQ well enough to know the people around him. J is from QM department, an armskoteman. I've never noticed him till then. And since that day, I kept seeing him around in camp. My colleague always make fun of me and say that we're fated. I really don't know. I have this fear of getting to know him. I know I shouldn't. But it's really very tempting. Well, thinking in very simple terms, it's merely physical attraction. I find him cute and that's all. This is so shallow that I should have forgotten all about him in one night. But that's not happening. I don't know him. I didn't even know his name until that night.

On Monday night, my colleague brought me to IDQ's bunk and J was there as well. They stay in the same bunk and so they chatted a little. I left for my bunk shortly because I didn't know anyone there and I felt quite awkward staying there. My colleague went on to ask for J's name and number for me. When he came back to bunk, he gave me his name and number and a brief introduction of J. I felt like I was engaging some matchmaking agency... It's very tempting to call him to maybe just make friends... But I didn't. My colleague jokingly told IDQ in the morning that he had a friend who saw J and thought that he's cute and expressed that he wanted to have sex with him. Yeah I know it's very crude but that's what my colleague told IDQ. Then that night, my colleague brought that up to IDQ in the presence of J. J just laughed a little at it and said "see how lor". That time I was still in the bunk. I was cursing at my colleague inside my mind already but too shy to say or do anything. When IDQ and J were laughing, my colleague just pointed at me and said "not him lah. don't be misunderstood".. *Phew* J and IDQ both didn't react to that... Shortly after that, I left and they continued talking. When my colleague met me back in bunk, he told me what they had talked about. He actually tested J's reaction for me by asking J what if "that guy" was me......... -_-" J said he's quite okay with me just that I need to do something to my skin and tummy. :`-(

Quite disappointed that night. Not that I badly wanted to take J to bed... I'm not sex crazed... Just that people are really superficial. And being fat and ugly doesn't help one in anything. Well till today, I'm still feeling funny whenever I see J. Although the I wasn't around when my colleague asked for his opinions abt me, I still feel the pinch. It's quite weird. I feel embarrassed even if I see him for only a second. Like at the cookhouse on Thursday. He was right in front of me at the food counter. I just glanced and lost my breath and that's it. Stopped looking at him and avoided any eye contact. I'm sure he saw me. But I acted like I didn't care. When I talked to my colleague about this, he told me to seize every opportunity to know him if I think I really should. Maybe just as friends and nothing more... It could be possible. But I doubt. I think I should stay clear. I need counseling. Hardly had I been driven so crazy by anyone....... The last time was K, who was long gone...

2005-04-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

Haven't updated in a while...

I don't have much time this round. Got quite a lot to say after going to SISPEC to conduct lectures and tests for the week which just passed. But I don't have much time to type a full account... Guess I'll leave it for next time. I'm going to stay in until Wednesday. Going to swim and run at night with my colleagues. Keep fit. IPPT is coming...

Leave you guys something to ponder upon...

A partner should share your life, not be your life.

Comments, please...

2005-03-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

I think online quizzes are funny... Look at what I've got:

You enjoy life. You know what fun is and people
admire you for your natural flare. People
either love you or hate you but you know what
you want, and you couldn't care less. You're
the Carefree Hip Styled type of Gay Guy.

What type of gay guy are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Haha... Not too bad. At least he's quite good looking.... :-)

2005-03-16T18:58:00.000+08:00

You Are Incredibly Logical

(You got 88% of the questions right)

Move over Spock - you're the new master of logic

You think rationally, clearly, and quickly.

A seasoned problem solver, your mind is like a computer!

How Logical Are You?

2005-03-15T00:57:00.000+08:00

I'm doing duty now... Thankfully they've finally installed internet in my office. Can surf net or chat a bit when I'm too bored. Duty nowadays suck. So many things have changed. And I'm beginning to dislike some of the people at my place. As I said in my previous post, office politics are really stressing me up.

Basically, my place is physically divided into 2 parts - Ops Room and TMS. I belong to TMS and generally, I'm okay with everyone there. I guess they are equally okay with me. But I don't like Ops Room, especially the training side. I guess the reason I don't like them is mainly because of their boss who's ultimately lazy but loves to find fault with us signallers. He really doesn't give any face to us at all, treating us as his slaves. We signallers are required to do signal duties sometimes and our duty only requires us to man the signal set at the Ops Room and that's it. But he makes it our responsibility to answer phone calls and run errands as well. He has the rank, what can we do? Most of the signallers are not spec while almost the whole training section are specs. Difference in rank, difference in estab. We're always bullied. Although it's silent, we can still feel it. It's injustice. He leads his whole team of street kids to abuse their authority.

While I'm generally okay with TMS people, some of them are actually quite close to the Ops Room people. I think it's quite obvious that some of the Ops Room people don't like me. I believe it's because of my popularity among the heads and they think I'm incompetent and that I don't deserve all that. I wouldn't want that much attention. But it just happens that the boss loves to give me work and somehow I managed to please him with whatever I did. So it's really not my fault. Now if I sound arrogant, yes I am. Because I know those people are not my match when it comes to intellect or work abilities. They are ultimate slackers. Yes, I slack a lot too but when it comes to work, I'm more than 100% serious. But still, a lot of people have the kind of thinking that I don't deserve the attention from the heads. Maybe they think I'm "wayanging" for promotion. But damn it. I deserve the promotion. I could have just opened my mouth and asked for it. Why do I need to wayang? I'll just go ahead and ask for it one of these days to shut their mouths. The other ASLC OOCs from my place have got promoted already. One is even my junior. Not that I'm extremely sour but it's still a pinch. I mean, we've all gone through the same things. I have gone through even more, strictly speaking, if you take the Signal course into consideration. If I get the promotion, the third stripe will come with a lot of hardwork through the Signal course and my struggle through this whole office imbroglio. But for the training specs? They just sat in the office and the rank came to them. How many times do I need to repeat that this is unfair??

And still, my team-mate(s) can be on their side and step down on me. Climb on top of me and do things against me just to show that they can hold the same power as me. Daniel (my spec) has already opened his mouth saying that he intended to let me take over him but I refused, in the absence of the gossip mongers. I refused him because I don't think I can take over a section with people who doubt my ability when they themselves have nothing at all. I can see through all of them. I know what they're capable of. Through all the lessons at SISPEC and having gone through 6 weeks of Signal course together, I know exactly who can work and who cannot. It's so obvious that whoever is looking down on my and challenging my pseudo-authority isn't all that capable. If he wants to take over, so be it. By all means. I'll just step aside and see how things screw up. I'm spec level trained, for god's sake. There are things which come with training and there are things which come with experience. Either way, I'm more "lao jiao" than any one of them. So how can they fight? How can they doubt me? I'm not being over-confident or cocky, you know? It's really so frustrating seeing someone who knows nothing but play computer games all day treat you as a slacker like himself when you yourself know that you've been working like a dog for the whole day. The feeling sucks. No one sees you when you work. Or if they see, they don't remember. And they think your work is damn easy and that anyone can do. Screw them.

What's worse? They're showing me double faces. I've worked in an office before. Office politics are at the back of my hand. These things can't escape me. I have my sources of information. I have my spies. I know how to find out who're backstabbing me. I know exactly what's happening around me. Those people showing me double faces, screw you all. I hate you all and I make it clear to all of you. Since we hate each other, there's nothing you need to hide. I know you undermine my abilities; I know you doubt my competence as a pseudo-spec. Just tell me so to my face. I know how to handle. By the way, if I'm incompetent as a spec and you think I shouldn't ask for promotion because I don't deserve it JUST because of the lack of luck I wasn't given a spec vocation and that you think you, as a bloody man, can do just what I have been doing, you are so dead wrong. Training specs whom you hang out with all the time - are they half as competent? How many things have they screwed up? Look at the results we produce and not the vocation we were RANDOMLY assigned to see who deserves it. Pea-brain. And STOP talking bad about SISPEC warrants. You haven't gone through shit so you are in no position to say and comment. If I ask you what has Oh CK done to you to make you hate him so much - what can you tell me? Zilch. Nothing. Nothing at all. Because you barely know his name. You don't know anything about him and you've NEVER suffered in SISPEC F coy before. So SHUT THE HELL UP and stop pretending that you've experienced it. It's an insult to me.

2005-03-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

Oh my god...

Your Brain is 86.67% Female, 13.33% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl

Which isn't a bad thing at all

You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions.

You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Well...... I've got nothing to say.

Alright. I spent the past few days at SISPEC giving lectures and taking trainees for test. Damn tiring. But quite rewarding. Actually I'm beginning to enjoy teaching. Especially when I'm taking good companies like Alpha. Alpha is nice. I always like to take them for lessons. Somehow, all the guys who are good looking and disciplined end up in Alpha. So they're easier to control and better to look at. Ya there's this cute breakdancer in Alpha... Performed in front of the whole company after the tests. I was totally awed. So impressive. Plus his really pretty features.... Wooh! And then there was this guy who knows one of my colleagues. Also damn good looking. He looks Chinese but I think he's not - no Chinese name...

Then came Charlie. Charlie company is quite hard to control as compared to Alpha. No sense of urgency and tend to be a little rebellious. Luckily I know a few of their instructors. One of them was my section mate in BMT. So things are slightly easier for me. But still, more than half the company was asleep during the lecture and I was quite sad to see that happening since that was MY lecture. I did my best to make it more interesting and engaging... Tried to be more interactive like I did during Alpha BSLC... But it seemed like Charlie was totally uninterested. They won't cooperate. At the end of the lecture, I asked them what they thought of my lecture. As expected, they said it's boring. So sad. But it's okay... At least Alpha paid attention... So it doesn't really mean that my lectures are universally boring. It just happens that Charlie doesn't like the topic. AND Charlie has no cute guys. Boooo!

As for the tests, Alpha seems to be more average. Lowest score for practical was 24/50 while highest was 48/50. Charlie has a wider range with a lower mean score. Lowest score was 19/50 and highest score was 49/50. Unlike BSLC, no one got full marks. I kind of expected the lower mean score for Charlie since they're unmotivated... If the trainees care to listen and pay attention to the hints that we instructors constantly drop, they should have no problem passing the theory test. And if they took the oppotunity and didn't waste their (and our) time during the practical hands-on session, they should be able to do well in the practical test. Why are there failures? I'm sure it's not the instructors' fault since I've been roving around during the practical period to make sure they were taught the important point. And I make sure my colleagues gave them ebough time to practice the techniques tested... As for my own station during the practical lesson, I emphasised on the important points and asked them to practice over and over again so that they won't fail on the actual day. I've asked them whether they're confident and I gave them the chance and extra time to practice more if they needed to. But still, there are failures. Damn. So disappointing.

I hope that they will at least do well in the theory paper. I'm going back to mark their theory papers tomorrow. Let's see how far they can go!

Oh office politics being pushed to the summits. Talk more on that next time. Stressful.

2005-03-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

I was quite pissed off when my boss asked me to attend the HQ BMTC workplan seminar today. Actually I met him on the bus from Pasir Ris to SAF Ferry Terminal yesterday. He told me about this event and asked whether my department head actually told me about it. Of course I didn't know anything. But he said I should attend since I'm conducting lessons at SISPEC. I didn't see any relationship between HQ BMTC and SISPEC - they are two totally independent entities. I've got nothing to do with HQ BMTC. Furthermore, the people attending the seminar are all senior officers, retired officers and senior specialists. Senior commanders - in summary. If I go there, I'll be the lowest ranking and also the youngest. I have NOTHING to say in front of them. I don't know how to socialise with old folks and we have nothing in common. It's very awkward. But since he asked me to go, I had to.

So I went to The Chevrons this morning as told. Met up with the other "supernumeraries" (cos the 4 of us were the lowliest people attending the seminar and I seriously don't think we were required to be present at all) and got ourselves breakfast at the reception counter outside the ballroom. True enough, when we entered the ballroom, we saw the tables neatly arranged with the names/appointment titles of those who were supposed to attend the function firmly pasted on the tables. We didn't see any of our names there. So my boss told us to sit at the back, on the spare chairs. I felt so "extra". I think we all did. Well, the event started off with some silly ice-breaker games. I really didn't intend to participate. Since we're not given seats at the main tables, I guessed we weren't required to play the games. But it so happened that there were absentees from one of the tables. So the other 3 supernumeraries went to fill in the gaps. And I was told to join my boss' table. That's the "Commander's Table" since Commander BMTC (COL Cheang), Camp Commandant (LTC(Ret) Lee), TMSO (my boss, MAJ(Ret) Lim) and Head Training (LTC(NS) Cheng) were there. All senior/retired officers. I was the only extra person there... But they were quite nice and my boss introduced me to all of them and tried to use my "best trainee" achievement to show off to the other commanders. He seemed more proud of it than I am......

Well, the ice-breakers were silly but still okay. I never bothered about ranks and such when we're not in camp. So I just treated them as ordinary old folks who're eager to bond with a young chap (oh please call me that!) like me... So it went on okay. After ice-breakers, there was a short address by Commander BMTC. The whole seminar involved a revision of HQ BMTC's mission and vision, and their plans for the work year 05/06. Although it's none of my concern, I think it's very enriching. Maybe even comforting since we, as recruits, really didn't know what's going on at such a high level. When we were just recruits at BMTC, we really didn't know anything about the objectives of BMTC. Comd BMTC talked about the problems he identified when he just got posted in last July and explained to us what his solutions were... He found that the previous system of BMT is too results-oriented. It's like, when he first stepped in to the office, School 1 and School 2 COs immediately showed him their respective achievements in terms of IPPT and BMT pasisng rates. It seemed like that's the only concern they had in mind. But Comd BMTC saw it in a different way. He believed that the BMT passing rate indicates how well the school is in transforming recruits from civilians to soldiers and IPPT passing rate indicates how well the schools did in improving the physical fitness (and hence operational readiness) of the recruits. Doing well in both areas doesn't always mean that the schools have achieved the ultimate aim of BMTC.

Although those two are important and they perfectly align to the mission of BMTC, what seems to be lacking is the attitude of the newly trained Private soldiers. Comd BMTC believes that given 11 weeks of BMT, it is not possible not to achieve this kind of result. That means the training and the time themselves achieved the mission, and the organisation isn't doing much in assisting the development of the recruits. He said that it is useless to have batches and batches of recruits passing out with excellent physical fitness and soldiering skills but bad attitude. It is useless if the soldiers trained by BMTC don't see a point in their existence in the SAF. Well, we all hate the idea of conscription because it really is wasting more than 2 years of our lives. And we ALL believe that we can put the time to better use if given the chance to. But what we all failed to see is that we could (and SHOULD) see things from another angle. Since Singapore threw the Constitution on our heads and we had no choice but to serve, why can't we take it positively and try to benefit from it? That's what Comd BMTC wants. He doesn't want recruits to come in hating NS and leave the island with the same attitude. They believe NS is wasting their time and in the end, they achieve nothing. As such, their time is really wasted. If soldiers take it positively, they should be able to see training as some form of character development, aids to mental maturity and also a very good means of pushing their individual physical endurance to the limits. There are actually a lot of lessons to take home. And everything begins with the commanders.

He talked a lot about character development and how attitude is important in military training. Although many of us NSFs have no choice and we wouldn't choose to serve if we were allowed to, we can still benefit from all sorts of challenges NS poses us with. Take myself as an example - BMT was an initiator and it wasn't of much challenge to me because of my NCC background. But SISPEC was a lot worse and it pushed me to my limits. All the while, I didn't see how holding a rifle and bashing through forests is going to help me mould my character and become a better person. I never knew how being able to shoot is going to help me in my future. But that's until I went for signal course at Signal Institute. It's the time when I saw the difference between fresh Private soldiers from BMTC and seasoned sub-commanders from SISPEC (OOC - that's myself) and the two OCS OOCs... I shan't elaborate on that cos it will sound disgustingly braggy. Erm... All in all, there IS a distinction and I'm happy that I'm different from them. That's something I learnt from SISPEC. Maybe bashing through forests with a rifle isn't beneficial. But the critical thinking and confidence in commandship is, undoubtedly, acquired through all the various forms of training. It's an intangible benefit. You won't realise how you benefited until you require that certain skill.

Very often, recruits won't feel the transformation and the goods BMTC had done to them until long after their POP. To HQ BMTC, that's unacceptable. They need the recruits to feel a sense of purpose in training and take part in it positively. Hence, independence is now highly emphasised and physical punishment cut down. Through this, Comd BMTC hopes to see recruits being able to take up challenges confidently and not feel a sense of reluctance in trying new things. Also, they won't be afraid of training and eventually develop a highly negative attitude towards NS just because of excessive physical punishment.

I think the talk was really very enlightening, with a lot of information from the high-level people. Some of the questions in my head when I was still a recruit were answered today. I saw a reason in the things we did in BMT.... So I think, I kind of benefited quite a lot from this seminar. And most importantly, the uber cute spec and officer from HQ BMTC were also present!!! Haha. =p

2005-03-01T15:39:00.000+08:00

Frustrated.

Damn it. SAF sucks. At first they said I'm getting promotion. Now they say I can't get it because I'm PR. What crap? Everyone's getting promoted. Everyone's getting payrise. Why must I be left out? Why is it so unfair? What's this?? Chief clerk said she can't do anything for me. The only way I can get promotion is through ASLC. That is rubbish. Why did they post me, an ASLC OOC, and not a BSLC OOC to CCO as signal operator? The fact that I passed out from BSLC means that I'm a junior specialist and should be given a specialised vocation. When I was posted in, there's a missing estab for training spec to be filled. Why didn't they give me that vocation? I think it's a screw up by CPC. It's evident that the training section needed more specialists from the beginning. After I got posted in, 2 other ASLC OOCs got posted in to training section. Why can't I be one of them?

This is ultimately unfair, I tell you. I've gone through BSLC and all that shit have come to nothing. I'm getting nothing in return. I might as well just OOCed from BSLC. I'll end up the same - a miserable corporal for life. Damn it. People can sit through their entire service and get the sergeant rank and a higher pay. I have to go through a command course and end up downgrading from commander to man. What the hell is going on?! I won't accept the crappy reason given by CPC. That's rubbish. Jeff told me to call mindef and clarify. I should also talk to my boss and make sure something is done. And I shouldn't be afraid to ask, to pester and to bug them for the promotion because god damn it I DESERVE IT!

And what's worse? People know my background. They know I'm from BSLC and they expect command and control from me. Initially I did as they expected. They love to let me shoulder responsibilities and fine, I did. But now, I'm not going to do anything more than my operator level job scope. Since I'm not getting promotion and payrise, I'll not do anything beyong my level. Why should I, anyway? Do things to benefit the SAF without getting anything in return? You think I'm so stupid? My ASLC OOC friends who got promoted are asking me when I'm getting mine. And my sispec sergeants keep asking me the same question whenever I meet them. In the past I'd have said that I don't know... Probably I have to wait. But now, I really don't know how to answer. Yes, I know - to hell with pride. Screw it. But this is too much injustice for me to swallow. It's hurting me whenever I go to sispec. All those that I've gone through, all the sufferings were for nought. I hate it when my efforts aren't appreciated.

Now I'm just going to do what I feel like doing. To hell with the specialist's creed. To hell with ethics and decorum. I won't bother to appear in neat and proper attire everyday anymore. I'll be sloppy, free-and-easy and do whatever I feel like doing. Screw integrity. Screw pride. I'll sleep all day and wash my hands off all the managerial work. I'll do just my work and nothing beyond my scope. Why had I, anyway, since my work was never appreciated? Hell, it's not too late to realise. I'm going to slack like all other men. No more commandship, no more pride in the work I do. I'm no longer a specialist.

And out of frustration, I left the office early. Can't be bothered about discipline anymore. The specialists are supposed to enforce it and set the example - not my job anymore, anyway...

SAF sucks. Can't wait to ORD.

2005-02-28T23:57:00.000+08:00

Just got back from duty. I bought duty on Sunday. Earned $100 from it. Not bad. It was quite a peaceful day with nothing much to do. Only booked in 40SAR (Sean's unit!) for training. Took half day off today and ran off with sgt Ben at 10am... Oh he's gorgeous. Met Sean at SFT... Chatted with him while waiting for Ben to come back from toilet.

Haven't updated this blog for a few days... Okay let me talk about Saturday. Went out on Saturday with Ivan to the arts museum to view the Botero exhibition and Russell Wong's photos. Realised that black and white photos can leave a more lasting impression than coloured ones although the latter can capture the viewer's attention more easily. Botero's works are quite interesting. We joined this museum tour thingy so we had a volunteer "tour guide" introducing some of the works to us. She's not confident enough but her explanation was detailed and clear so it was quite okay. Actually I like the sculptures more than the paintings. The tour guide said Botero likes to create plump figures because he believes in depth and volume in his figures. So plump figures have larger volume and he likes that. Weird, I guess. But some of the sculptures are rather cute.

Ivan likes this horse sculpture:

...and I like this fat cat:

Used camera phone to take those pics. Not really good. And my data cable isn't really working so sent the pictures to my email account via MMS. Doesn't hurt since M1 is offering free MMS from 5pm-8pm daily for the entire month of February! Hah. I took another picture with a big fat cat outside the museum.. Also by Botero. Heh. Maybe I'll upload it another time.

Okay we spent quite a lot of time at the museum looking at all the exhibits. There's this "Faith & Being" gallery showcasing some Thai works. Of all the works, there's one which comprises of 4 large paintings. From the description, it reflects on humanity - all the evil side of it, especially lust. So the paintings are a little "adultish"... Er... Actually I counted at least 2 repetitions of the human male genitilia in each painting.... Not in a sexually explicit way, of course.

After the museum tour, we went off to Raffles Hotel for hi-tea... Being quite broke, I ordered a scone and iced water. ICED WATER! Can you imagine? Me drinking iced water instead of coffee at Raffles Hotel. Okay but now I'm broke. Can't spend too much. Haha.... Got a new Visa card from OCBC though. But don't want to spend so much... I've been spending crazily all these while. Must start saving for my future! Plan early... Heh. Oh ya... Have I ever said that the cheese cake at Raffles Hotel is the best in the world? Yes, it is! Must try!

It was still quite early (5 plus) after hi tea and I was supposed to meet my friends at 7.30pm at Orchard and go clubbing/pubbing later in the night. But it was too early after the hi tea so we stayed around city hall area and walked about. Ivan bought an outrageously loud long sleeves Matinique t-shirt at Suntec... And he kept saying it's sinful to spend money for no reason. Something about need and want. It's like spending money on something that you want but you don't really need isn't very well justified. Since CNY was already over, there's no "legitimate need" to buy clothes (which I strongly disagree) so the t-shirt he bought was more a want than a need. So the spending was not justified. He said he'll keep the t-shirt till next year before he wears it so that he can take it as part of next year's CNY new clothes..... Crazy right? But after a while, he was convinced that there's no point. Hah.

After we left Suntec, we headed to Raffles City since we both agreed that Suntec isn't the best place to walk around at. We went to a shop selling German handcraft toys at Raffles City. The toys are SO DAMN ex. It's like extortion. But quite cute. Heh.

It was about time I met my friends after the walk around Raffles City. So we left and I went to Orchard to meet them up. We chatted and did some catching up outside Taka while some of them smoked and invited total strangers to the group. I think that was quite awkward but they're friendly people so I guess that's fine. Hmm... I didn't go clubbing in the end because it was too late and I needed to go home early to rest before duty on Sunday. And paying cover charge and staying there for some 50min to 1h isn't very worth it. So Galen and I left without any alcohol. Next time I must drink if we meet up again. Galen doesn't understand "alcohol imbibition" while most think it's "indulgence"... Next time must teach him. Make him down an entire bottle! Hoooh! See how crazy he becomes! That'll be really funny, I guess. Hah.

2005-02-23T23:32:00.000+08:00

I stayed in for 2 nights. Stayed in on Sunday because of duty. Stayed in again on Monday because of CSB (Combat Skills Badge) held at SISPEC. I was required to do signal support at the SISPEC Ops Room for this thing. All the candidates of the test are high ranking officers except for a few 3SGs and 2SGs... This particular group consisted of 1 MG (Major General, 2 stars), 2 BGs (Brigadier General, 1 star), 4 COLs (Colonels, 3 "crabs"), 1 LTC (Lieutenant Colonel, 2 "crabs") and 1 SWO (Senior Warrant Office, highest rank for specialists)... That MG is none other than our Chief of Army, MG Desmond Kuek. I don't know who the 2 BGs are but the LTC is the Chief Medical Officer. And the SWO is SAF RSM. All big shots. They all passed the test. I guess the evaluators wouldn't dare to fail them even if they did anything wrong.....

I was quite tired when I went back to CCO after the overnight stay at SISPEC. I thought I could rest for the entire day but I was wrong! There was a bushfire at reclaimed land and it was spreading so badly that the BMTC School 1 Sit-test area was affected. And the fire was spreading towards the antenna farm side. So immediately, TMS started working. Duty signaller went on off without finding a replacement so I stayed at the signal set in case the NRUs (Non-residential units, those units inorganic to Tekong training on the island) needed to contact us. I also informed 3 Guards A, B and C companies about the situation and told them to stay away from reclaimed land until further notice. That's the first time I transmitted a "no duff" message over the air... So I stayed in the Ops Room to stand by for a few hours. The Ops people contacted SCDF and the Seaferry people cancelled RPL slots for ammunition and let the RPL and HL stand by at SFT for the SCDF people. All the Ops Rooms on Tekong were also informed. The fire was quite big... About 2.5 football fields and as tall as a 5-tonner (something like a lorry) as the DOO (Duty Orderly Officer) described. The IDSM (Island Duty Sergenat Major) was sent to TFT (Tekong Ferry Terminal) to escort the SCDF people once they reached.

The fire was extinguished in a few hours... Then I left the Ops Room and went for a short coffee break with lifeguard Teo...

Another fire broke out on the same day at Tampines. The whole grass patch opposite the mosque was on fire and the smoke was so dense that the I couldn't see anything when the bus entered the smoke... The bus had to slow down completely to prevent collision with other vehicles because visibility was something like zero... and the bus almost missed a bus stop... I guess it the weather... Too dry and too hot. I hasn't been raining for a few weeks already. I guess that's why. But will hot weather lead to spontaneous combustion??

2005-02-17T18:51:00.000+08:00

While I was still on course, Kenneth told me about this Tekong Idol and Miss Tekong thing which was supposed to be held on 7Feb. But due to insufficient funds, Log O (if u still remember, he's the one I kept mentioning a few months ago) postponed the thing to 22Feb. It'll be a joint event for CCO, CMTL and CLA which they call Triple C... As if it's something damn cool. As expected, whenever CCO is involved in something, HQ BMTC will surely get involved as well. We're like Siamese twins. But I'm not complaining. There's this very good looking officer (2LT) in HQ BMTC. Don't know his name yet. Will find out during the event. Best time for socialising (read flirting).

Surprisingly, people seem to be quite enthusiastic about this event unlike previous attempts at Triple C cohesion like the CCO Anniversary held at the Zoo which was total crap... I think BMTC Anniversary at ChinaBlack was quite good. But I didn't go. Oh yes... Got a $16 Meritus Mandarin gift certificate as compensation since I couldn't go for the ChinaBlack thingy due to my Signal course. Well, I think some lifeguards are going for the Tekong Idol... As for Miss Tekong..... Heh. Some of the 302 drags are going...

Weird enough, it's going to be held at SFT... I thought it'll be inside Ladang Camp itself.... But well, there'll be BBQ and some entertainment and not forgetting the HQ BMTC people!! I'm kind of looking forward to it! I'm going to get that 2LT's number!

2005-02-15T21:19:00.000+08:00

Yay! My clerk told me that he received a document from somewhere indicating Godwin's and my promotion! Heee... Will get payrise soon!!

Went to SISPEC to change VRC947 for ops room today. Damn heavy... Office was super quiet and boring. Nothing to do at all. Many pple went for half day off and some went to Thailand with SISPEC ASLC's Ex Crescendo... Went canteen many many times to drink tea and eat junk food. Definitely will grow fat like this. Must exercise. Hah.

Used Daniel's OA to email Galen at office. Damn good. Abuse SAF facilities... I heard that some contractors came to our office to install broadband internet! That'd be great. But I'm sure there'll be repercussions. Those pple from Ops room will always gather at my office just to use the Internet. I don't like crowds.... Office will become so noisy and crowded... Don't like.

I miss the SISPEC auntie's Mee Goreng. Shall go there one day and pay her a visit. The last time I went, I only got a cup of tea...

2005-02-10T13:05:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY to all!

I don't have relatives in Singapore so I didn't go 拜年 and as a result, I only got 红包s from my parents... My colleague asked me whether I'll be going to work on Friday cos if I am, I can 拜年 to him and he'll give me 红包. He claims that he's married. Yeah, right!

Okay. I don't need 红包s. I have an alternative source of income. For the past 2 nights, I've been playing mahjong with my family. Won damn a lot. Wooh! Total winnings of some $500 plus. Happy. On the first day of CNY, we played overnight and I won around $200... On the second day, I won a 12番 game (自摸) and that means each player had to give me $102.40! Wooh! It was just a short 4圈 game though...

I got this on the first night:

发财　ｘ２，一万　ｘ３，九万　ｘ３，一筒　ｘ３，红中　ｘ３

That means:

花幺九 7番
对对糊 2番
红中 1番
正花 1番

Total 11番! I won that from my brother! $38.40

Last night, something like that happened. But I 自摸 so add 1 more 番.

My luck was really good on the first night... Won quite a few big games... One was like this:

清一色 7
对对糊 2
杠上自摸 1
自摸 1

Also 11番 but 自摸 this time... Won $76.80 from everyone. =)

2005-02-06T22:02:00.000+08:00

Okay - get ready to pop the champagne. I'm the best trainee for my course!! It's the first No.1 I've ever got in my life. And it's strange - I got it in the Army.... Oh well, it's still great. I'm happy.

There are so many people I need to thank... I couldn't have made it so far without them! 2WO Shepherdson, my course commander - she's an angel! Thank you for all the hard work you've put in! 1SG Roger is next on my thanking list. He has been so patient and tolerant with our rubbish through all the 6 weeks we've stayed in SI. Then, of course there are CPL Jeff and 2SG Daniel who have prepared me so well before the course! There are too many people to be mentioned but in all - I love you all!

--

Well... This really cute guy from HK sent me a heart on Fridae... Interesting. :-) He does writing and photography. Went to his webbie to take a look. Really quite interesting. And there're lots of photos of himself. Wooh... Not bad.

--

Went to meet Zhiyang for some shopping yesterday. We each bought a top from A|X. Damn cheap now. It's quite surprising to see him buying labels... He's never into that. He's been behaving funny lately... With all the image-conscious things like styling hair and wearing long pants and buying labels and going shopping...... I wonder what he's up to - ZY, can tell me whether u're going after someone? Haha....

We went to meet up with Ellwyn after the shopping before proceeding to meet Kaiyuan at Bishan to spring a surprise visit at Joanna. She's working at the coffee bean there. Got 2 free brownies from her.. Heh. I wanted to drink coffee which she makes but she doesn't know how to make any coffee without ice... In other words, she only makes ice blended coffees. But I only had enough money to buy espresso. So I just ordered an espresso which wasn't made by her. Next time I shall go there again to buy ice blended coffee. Kaiyuan told me that it was Jo's birthday a few days ago so she suggested that we buy a present for her. She said she likes Wilber Pan so it'd be good to buy her a Wilber poster or pillow or anything with his face on it.

So Zhiyang and I went to the shop at Taka basement to look for the poster and stuff.. Really quite hard to find. But things there are damn cheap. There're Edison pillows and posters. Wanted to buy. But thought my mum will think I'm crazy... Haha. 追星 is such a teenage girls' thing.... Seriously, Edison looks so much better than Wilber... Don't know why Joanna likes Wilber so much. Since M1 has this free MMS thing from 5pm to 8pm, I just snapped a picture of each one and sent to Kaiyuan for her to decide which one to buy. But at the end of it, she couldn't decide and left the decision for me to make.... So we bought 3 posters from that shop since it's a moving out sale and we can get 1 free with every purchase of 2 posters. There are mini photo cards too... I think 10 or 30 cents each.. Damn cheap. Next time shall go there and buy a few Edison ones...

2005-01-29T23:22:00.000+08:00

Heuter abend ist der Geburtstag des verrückter Deutscher Physiker (mein Deutscher meister). Ich bin sehr fröhlich nach dem Bieres Trinken mit ihm. Ich bin nicht gutes kind, ich bin schlechtes kind. Wir hatten cider. Ich weiß, dass ist gut. Er war ein bisschen betrunken und sehr hoch. Ich bin OK. Ich bin nicht ihm. Heuter abend haben wir viel Bier. Ich sage ihm auf Deutsche. Er sagte mein Deustche verbessert sich. Ich möchte Deutsche lernen. Ich bin ein bisschen hoch. Jetzt ich möchte schlafen....

2005-01-22T23:11:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a while since I last updated my blog... Thanks to my course for such a hiatus. I've been really busy lately. Okay the course has been going on fine. It's quite nice at Signal Institute (SI) because of the slack life and everything. We wake up everyday at around 5:30am and go down for breakfast which isn't exactly compulsory. So sometimes we'll just go back to sleep in bunk if we don't feel like eating breakfast. Since lessons start at 8:00am, we actually have something like 2h extra time to sleep every morning. That's my favourite time of the day. The sleep that we all need. And lessons usually end at around 5pm. Dinner will be at 6pm. After dinner, most likely we'll be given free time and the instructors won't disturb us at all. So life there is good. We can order pizza too. Heh. It really didn't feel like a course. Compare BMT and BSLC/ASLC to this, it's really heaven. But I still miss my office life. It's a lot better...

People at SI are generally nice. My bunk mates are good people. There's this guy I won't ever forget. He was a gang member and drug abuser. He used to always fight with his Dad. But his family is really rich. He took 2 years to quit smoking and stop drug abuse after his mother found ketamine in his drawer and started crying. His Dad lost hope in him and shouted at him that he'll disown him if he continued. Since then, he changed his ways and apologised to his parents. 2 years and he stopped all the one-night-stand, drug abuse and smoking and all the gang activities. He's a really nice guy now. The first time I saw him, I really couldn't imagine that he has such a background. Even after he told me about himself, I still found it quite hard to believe... That's until we went drinking at this kind of sleazy KTV pub during one of the nights outs we had.

He can really drink. We shared 4 jugs of beer (I didn't drink a lot since I don't really like beer. So you can imagine how much he drank) and he seemed totally unaffected by the alcohol. I drank way less than him but I had already turned totally red and high. Then he sang some Hokkien songs. I really liked the way he sang. Sounded really emotional. It was a song about son and Dad. He said he sang that song to his Dad after he quit all the drugs and stuff and his Dad was so touched that he cried. His life is so dramatic... All the history he has really made me like him quite a lot. I think this kind of men have a certain appeal - the bad-boy-turned-good factor and all the life experience they have... It's not easy to find. Well for that night, I can't deny that I was at least slightly attracted to him. He's not bad looking too so it was an added bonus. With all the alcohol and singing 江南 together, and him leaning damn close to me while we were singing, I almost kissed him... Thank goodness I wasn't drunk enough to do that. I still had control over myself and I pulled myself back.. Now I'm scared of him. He really has the kind of appeal I look for in a guy... Although he's not the best looking guy I've seen (hey, I've LONG transcended that superficial stage), he's definitely one with the most attractive character... I'm scared of going to drink with him again because I'm not confident enough in myself that I can still resist the temptation when I get high with him again... It's not good. But some people think my life is SO happening with all these things... I tell you, it's not good.

2004-12-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

On Course!

Going for course tomorrow... 6 weeks stay-in course. Booking out only on Fridays. So won't be updating this blog that frequently... Just finished packing my stuff... Lost SBO and field pack... Borrowed SBO from Daniel and field pack from Jeff. Spent like 30min customising the SBO... It looks quite garang now. Heh. Jeff's field pack is SO sticky inside. Don't know why... Looks like the plastic inside has all melted... Cannot put things inside without wrapping them up in plastic bag or packing inside ziplocs... Sheesh.. Got my LOA for camera phone ready. Anything happens I'll just flash LOA. Don't care already. Going course is the best time to take pictures.

Will be back this Friday.... Till then!

2004-12-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

Festive updates!

24-12-2004
X'mas Eve...

The day started at SISPEC. Gave lesson to Charlie in the morning. Saw Varun there. Haha... From buddy to trainee.... Lessons ended at around 2 plus... Took 3pm harbour launch out. Reached home at around 4. Got ready for dinner with bro and his gf... She bought a log cake. Not bad. The 2 bottles of haut-medoc were very nice. Good deal too. Got them at $30 each.... They go very well with roasted lamb.. Hmmm..

Went out at night.... Had lots of alcohol that night... Around 4 glasses of wine and a Bloody Mary when out. I love Bloody Mary. But sometimes I'll drink Cosmopolitan. And when I feel extra queer, I'll get a Pink Lady. Haha...

When out, I saw these sculptures by Botero:

Then went to Max Brenner for some chocolatey supper.... This thing I got can kill..

It's all melted chocolate inside.... Can't finish. It'll take me another lifetime's exercise to burn them all off.

25-12-2004
X'mas Day...

Left City Hall and reached home at around 4 something... Showered, checked email and slept.

Went out for lunch with Kaiquan and Koon Yen at 1pm. But as usual, I was late. And being as glamourous as I am, Kaiquan was late too. We reached there 45min late - just as fashionable as can be. In fact, Kaiquan and I reached there together... Had lunch at Bishan S11 and then Kaiquan got a drink at Mos... After that, Kaiquan left and Koon Yen and I went to Coffee Bean for a coffee... This bunch of hopelessly straight guys sat next to me and I declared myself heterophobic. They were ALL wearing polo tee, berms and sandals. Yucks. And only 1 or 2 styled their hair. Another no-no. Public faux pas. Cannot make it. Then they started on their straight talk which I couldn't decipher... Can't be bothered anyway. When I'm heterophobic, I hate straight talk as much as any homophobe would hate gay talk.

After the coffee with Koon Yen, I left to meet Ivan at Paya Lebar.. Went for dinner at this little place at Geylang.. The food there was not bad.... Then went to his place for Mahjong... Stayed over.... Went home at around 8 or 9... Can't remember.. Chatted a while online when I reached home and knocked out from then onwards. Woken up at 10pm by a call from Mum.....

Going to book in tomorrow! Taking SISPEC Charlie for test..........

2004-12-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

CCO Anniversary @ Mandai Zoo

Today was CCO Anniversary + Christmas + Family Day celebration at the zoo! Wasn't very enthusiastic but once I saw the little kangaroos there, I got really excited. Went trigger happy the entire day. Partly because it's my job too... I was video cameraman. Filmed down the entire event... And I took some nice photos. Many funny animals. But all in my phone now. Going to upload to my com tomorrow. So I'll probably post the pictures here tomorrow.

Well, after the celebrations, Jervis, C and I went to take a stroll round the zoo... C and I were dressed campily enough to attract weird stares from the public. They probably think we're together and Jervis was tagging along. Then again, he wore pink today. Probably we're a Fab 3. Never mind about that. In the morning, I bought a can of Coke from the vending machine. Having no coins with me, I tried buying with phone. Sent an SMS and only after sending did I realise that the Coke there cost $1.70. And a 10 cents administration fee is charged upon every successful transaction. So my can of Coke cost me $1.80... So damn ex.

When we were walking around the zoo, we came across this weird animal which looked just funny. I didn't notice its name because I was too busy laughing at this stupid father:

Girl: Daddy, what is that?
Dad: That one? I think it's a wolf.

My god. It's so obviously not a wolf... If I'm not wrong, it should be a llama. I have pictures of it. It looks really stupid. It just stood there like a statue, staring at us taking pictures of it as if it was lost in its own world, not knowing what's going on. So blur that it might ask for its own name if it could talk. Looking at its face, I concluded that it needed a tight slap to wake up its ideas and become smarter. I tried reaching its face but my arm was too short.... Couldn't do it that favour. I guess it'll be just as blur for the rest of its life.

After hearing the answer from the father, I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop. We evacuated from that place and went to see this camel wannabe. It looks like a camel. I didn't see its name again. But Jervis saw the introductory board which mentioned that it's really not a camel. I just thought it was. Yah.. Took picture of it too. That partucular camel wannabe I took was peeing on its own tail. But my camera is too lousy to capture that. Hah. But it's funny.

Then we walked on and saw some little raccoon looking creatures. They didn't have the boards so I couldn't see the name. Still don't know what they are. Then this little girl came along:

Girl: 来看，Daddy，有小鹿！
Jervis: F*** lah, that's no 小鹿，you dumb ass!
C and I were laughing.
Me: See? I told you Singaporean kids are stupid beyond help. You know why? They have dumb fathers teaching them all the wrong things.
Girl's Dad: Girl，那个不是小鹿。来，我们走。

I was SO DAMN embarrassed!

On the way out of the zoo, we went into this souvenir shop. They sell very cool looking tee shirts which glow fluorescent under UV light like those puzzles. I walked into the UV room and C and Jervis got a shock:

*I look slimmer in this picture. I'll never delete this.

The back of my tee shirt was glowing under UV light! So cool!!

Front view! Can't even see the face but the design is so clearly seen...

Just when I thought that's all the shine and glamour I have......

My shoe laces! Even they are glowing!

Man... This is so cool....

2004-12-21T22:59:00.000+08:00

Left the office and took the 10am boat out of Tekong. Went to the Zoo with boss to test out the audio system for the CCO Anniversary celebration tomorrow. I don't understand why our anniversary has to be held at the Zoo. BMTC holding their anniversary at Chinablack. Why is ours at the Zoo?? Couldn't it be at Taboo or something? More happening. Bleagh..

Marcus crash coursed me on the mixer and PA system things. Taught me how to set them up. But when I got there, I forgot everything. Luckily that DJ guy from MT Line was there... Helped me set up and test the system. I can only remember how to connect the speakers. And that's all I did. At least I wasn't useless.... Log O was there. Didn't expect to see him. Thought I'll never see him again.

Went to the Zoo toilet and took some pictures. It's really nice. Very exhibitionistic.

Toilet at the Zoo.. Nice interior design. This picture was taken with normal exposure.

Another picture of the toilet. Thinking that the wash basins looked like they were glowing, I set the exposure to -1... A lot darker, as a result. :-(

Last picture of the toilet. Close up of the Sinks. Exposure -1...

I always have bonus/surprise pics. This is Log O! Can't see face cos I 偷拍... Not a trained and qualified voyeur....

Preparations ended quite early. Left the Zoo at 1pm. Boss drove me to Marsiling MRT station and dropped me there. I took a train down to City Hall to buy FireWire card, cable and DVC tapes to get ready for the filming tomorrow. I have no idea why my boss knew that I could do filming and editing. No idea at all. But since I took up the job, I'll do my best. This genre is my first though... Documentary style. Still figuring out how to go about doing it. Only 1 video camera and 1 still camera. Not very flexible in angle variations.... Quite troublesome. Heh I'm now doing what I normally charge for free. They'd better appreciate it.

But I see more work coming - they seem to want to change the 840 video for signal lessons. I saw the old one before. It really sucks. Can see that the guy who made that video knows nothing about filming/editing conventions. There are important details outside the safe frames. Title safe and action safe... I had to shrink the video to fit inside the safe frames when I burnt the VCD for them. I was really shocked when I saw "Knob" of "MHz Knob" completely outside the safe frame. Come on, this is educational video... Labelling is important information. How can it be left out?! Only shows how that guy who did the editing sucked. But I didn't make that much noise... Just quietly shrank the video and passed it back to them. I bet they didn't even know there was a problem. One day they play the old and new VCDs on a VCD player, they'll see the difference.

Oh well, I can't be sure I'll do a fantastic job this time. Firstly, there's time constraint. Secondly, I lost all my software. Lost Adobe Premiere and After Effects. My particles generator is also gone. 3D Studio also gone. How am I supposed to do the animation for title effects? Without Premiere, I have to resort to Ulead Mediastudio. It sucks big time. But it's the only alternative I have other than Windows Movie Maker which sucks even more. Argh... Need to buy pirated CDs... Suprnova.org cannot be accessed. Don't know why. It's taking forever to load. Not even an error page. Can't download bittorrent for the software... Damn. And Cakewalk also gone. I thought of a very nice background music... But no composition software... So troublesome. This has to happen just when I want to do some serious work. Murphy's Law is so proven.

Wish me good luck, pple....

2004-12-20T22:16:00.000+08:00

TYさん、あなたは今、とても忙しいですか？新しいブロッグを書きませんした。Tekongの写真はいいですか？かこいいですか？ハハハ。。。

2004-12-20T21:38:00.000+08:00

Watched National Treasure. Nice show. Better than I thought... Looking at the posters, I thought it's some crappy show. But it really isn't. The idea behind it is very fascinating. After watching, I wondered what would happen if there's a treasure of such grandeur in Singapore... But then again, Singapore has too short a history to have anything close to treasures. Kaiyuan said there was a show on TV showing some of the underground tunnels in Singapore. Sounds interesting. But I'm sure they lead to no where as grand and as valuable as a treasure. They're most likely built for the sake of building. Maybe some bored farmer thought of leaving a mystery behind for equally bored people to solve and dug all those tunnels...

Went to buy computer parts on Saturday. Rushed home and left with family for dinner. Brother reached late because of date. Always like that... After dinner, I went for a short date with BMT PC. He really talks a lot. That makes him damn interesting. I'm like so boring... Keeping silent most of the time. Guys who talk a lot and are eloquent are really damn attractive. With sharp features and killer bod like Sir Garry, no one on earth can resist.... The date was quite short. But really nice. Left to meet Ellwyn and gang after the date...

Then there was Sunday - my duty day. Bought the duty from Godwin for $100. Market price. Should have asked for more. I'm really greedy, huh? But the day was really peaceful. Double-closed harbour launch book and key log book. Not a single phone call of official significance after the RPs had checked the duty personnel's names. Slept all the way.. Only interrupted by a call from Jervis. Woke up at 10pm to do CDSO report. Then slept again until 5am this morning. Woke up and called Tango to activate HL for SISPEC pple... Then slept again.... Woke up at 6.30am to do second CDSO report. Handed over the duty at 8am sharp. Nothing happened. Damn slack. Easy money. I love Sunday duties. The best days to do duty are Thursday and Sunday. I love to buy those days... Good money and slack life.

I think buying duties is really lucrative business. Think of people giving tuition twice weekly and earning only $200 a month... I buy 2 weekends and I can get the same amount already. If the market is good, can get even more... Like this Christmas day duty, the price is rising like crazy... Around $300 already. The guy approached me to sell his duty. I named my minimum price (conditional) as $300. Some are pushing it to $350... But anyhow, I don't think I'll buy. Christmas eve, okay? No one will buy. But maybe a thousand can change my mind. Hah. Well, at least now, with around $150 extra each month, I can afford to take a taxi wherever I go... Quite happy. Jeff really trusts me. I'm happy about that. He's paying me monthly subscription for duties. I'll be his permanent buyer. Good. Fixed income now. But I'll do more if I feel like it. Easy money, no reason to reject.....

There was signal lecture for ASLC D coy today. But I don't teach ASLC. BSLC more fun. So I didn't go. Booked out at 11am to meet mum for lunch. Then Sir Garry called me... Mum asked me to let him join. Cos mum saw him a few times with me before and she has got a very good impression of him. He can really talk. Very sociable and very likeable. So he joined the lunch and mum was talking to him all the time. I felt neglected by both of them. So excluded. Jealous. But well, I got the chance to talk to Sir Garry when we were on the bus going home... Yah - he came to my house. I think my mum thinks Sir Garry and I are dating... Actually not - we're just seeing each other rather regularly now. Not dating as in boyfriends dating. But dating as in regular meeting, yes. Before Sir Garry actually joined us for lunch today, mum actually asked me whether I wanted to invite him to join us for Xmas dinner. See, it's a tradition in my family that we have dinner together for all major festivals. Xmas is one of them. She said since this year, bro is bringing a girlfriend home, she thinks it's okay if I bring a boyfriend home for the dinner. I was like so -_-"... Okay, Sir Garry is hot. But he's SO out of my league. And I don't like him that way. We're NOT dating.... Urgh. And my mum is really treating him like her future son-in-law....... Hmmph. She's damn eager to marry me off!

2004-12-17T21:14:00.000+08:00

Tekong Today!

Just took Alpha for signal test. I'm very happy. Very proud of them! This batch of trainees broke my record! For VP, the worst one I had got 16/30. There're 2 best trainees - both got 30/30... I've never given full marks before. This is the first time and I got 2 of them! So happy! And this is also one of the rare companies with no failures in VP... Previously, in Golf and some other companies, their VP scores averaged around 18. Seldom did I give them anything above 20. This time was easy. They did well. Most of them got above 20.... Even scores above 25 isn't uncommon.

But I think the trainees don't like me. Sometimes when both my station and Kenneth's station are empty and they got the chance to choose which instructor they wanted to be tested by, they'll always choose Kenneth. Never me... I think they really don't like me. Either my lecture was too boring or I was being a bitch at the end of my last lecture. But I thought it was just small little things that we instructors have to do. Not like I really liked to be a bitch in front of the entire company...

Oh I got pictures!

Alpha Company taking the theory test!

Charlie trainees getting pumped. Voyeured a pic when I drifted past... Thanks to my dear phone with silent camera!!

Then, hanky panky pics of SGT Ben back in bunk...

Sergeant Ben... Too dark and blur

Sergeant Ben... Better pic!

Sergeant Ben... Getting ready.... =P

Sergeant Ben... Stripped! :OD

Wooh!! Haha... Everyday is like a game.. So fun. Although SISPEC lessons are a bit tiring, it's fun to teach there. Tomorrow going to SISPEC again to give test to ASLC. Golf company. Don't like... Sunday doing duty. Sucks. But earning money from that. Doing for Godwin. He asked me to do his minutes for him and I stupidly agreed in exchange for a breakfast on him. Should have asked for a hug... Urgh.

2004-12-15T20:59:00.000+08:00

Didn't style my hair today cos I wanted to let Godwin style for me with Kenneth's wax.. But Godwin was busy with his Ops Room stuff and couldn't do it for me today. So I went to SISPEC with messy hair. But he promised to style for me tomorrow... So I'll see.

I've been teaching SISPEC Alpha these 2 days. I always love Alpha because I think it's a very good company. The instructors are all very good. My friends who went to Alpha for BSLC all said it's good. And I witnessed for myself the difference between Alpha and other companies during my own BSLC as well as when I taught the last batch of BSLC trainees. They are generally disciplined. Not much problem unlike other companies. I have a very bad impression of Golf. I really screwed the trainees quite badly during the previous BSLC test. But Alpha gave me no problems at all. So I decided to take Alpha for lecture. Cos I know it won't be too bad.

True enough, Alpha is really quite a good company. The discipline was generally there. Just that I wasn't very happy when they became noisy after knowing that my lecture was going to end. I understand that as trainees, they hate to go for lectures. Because no matter what, lectures are always boring. But it's my job to teach and their job to learn. It's simple as that. My job is only to teach, not to entertain. Being entertaining can only be an aid to effective teaching. It should never replace the sole objective of teaching itself. Teaching is imparting knowledge and there are many ways to do it. Whether I am boring or interesting, I am still teaching as long as I am imparting knowledge. I believe I was boring since I could see some of the trainees sleeping. But I lied to their OC and instructor, saying that they were generally attentive...

The lectures took my voice away. And I was too slow. I should have aimed to finish 3 lessons on the first day. Instead of that, I covered only 2 and left 15min on the first day for Q&A which was entirely gone to waste because only a few asked questions. I went too deep in my first lesson. I should have cut it short and left the details to the 4th lesson instead. Initially, I agreed to take Alpha for all the lectures, including radio set theory. But because my throat was killing me today after the VP lectures, I asked my colleague to do the radio set theory for me instead. Then I proceeded on to teach practical for PRC77 after the short lectures given by Jeff. Teaching is quite fun. But at the same time, it's quite stressful.

Because of my slow pace, the lessons ended at around 5:20pm. It's actually intended to end at that time - I didn't overshoot. But it's always been a "tradition" that we end early. So I felt quite bad for dragging the time and delaying book out time for the other guys in my team. So I asked them to leave first and catch the 5:00pm boat if they want to. Only Kenneth, Daniel and I stayed to the end to finish the lessons. Friday is their test. I hope my effort pays off. I really wish they'll do well especially for VP. I've spent so much time, effort and energy on VP lectures... Gone through so much trouble to explain everything in detail... I hope they learnt something from me. That'd be the most satisfying thing for me. It's the best reward for spending all these time at that depressing place.... Please, Alpha company, do well for your test on Friday!!

Although I really want them to do well in VP, it's not my style to give high scores. As Kenneth said to me today, my failure rate compared to that of other signal instructors is like the middle finger compared to the rest of the fist in the internation sign language for vulgarity. For the previous batch of BSLC, I was the only one who failed trainees. I'll never hesitate to fail someone if he doesn't deserve to pass. I'll just feel very bad that they didn't learn what I tried to teach. But I'll not be unprofessional just to paint a picture that I'm a good instructor. What I want is real, solid results and not ones which are altered to stroke my ego.

Right, booked out on the 6.00pm boat. Didn't realise that TMSO and Log O were on the same boat as I was. Only saw Log O when I was alighting... I think he expected me to give him the flirty smile like I always did. But I didn't. Don't care about him already. Then on the SMRT bus, I sat beside him but totally ignored his existence. After that, at Pasir Ris, I saw him walking behind me but I didn't bother to turn back to talk to him. Really can't be bothered already. Tomorrow meeting my BMT PC for coffee! Heh. So nice... He's really a nice guy. Everybody loves him. And he's quite good looking so... I'm sure the coffee would be great!

Now this is serious - C likes me. He really does. But I don't like him. He told Marcus about him approaching me the other time. And yesterday, he told Kenneth that he likes me. This is bad... Besides C, stalker is back in action! I'm really stressed. I don't understand why someone can be so persistent. So long already still want to stalk me. I don't like it at all! TY - told you I'm hot like Brian...... Heh. Kidding! =P

2004-12-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

Nia amrakonto ektis de du jarojn. Vi estas nun transmara, mi ĉiu nokto pensas pri vin. De du semajnoj, vi revenus. Mi volas.... Volas vulgara, vi rapide revenus al mia ĉirkaŭbrako. La sento dumtage refortiĝantas. Baldaŭ, mi malelteneblos la doloro de malhavas vin ĉirkaŭ mi. Vi estas mia ununuran amaton. Mi promesas - mi amos vin por la vivo, ĝis la fino de la mondo, ĝis la morto de la homaro... Aĉetas min en Tiffany, mia dolĉulo!

Okay... Ignore the Esperanto on top. It's for me only. The exhibitionist inside me again. Went to Raffles Hotel for high tea today. I officially declare the cheese cake there as the best in the world. All those who love cheese cake must go and try. I've never eaten any cheese cake richer than that before. I used to say it's the best in Singapore. But now I've decided - it can't get any better. Actually the place is really heaven for high tea... Everything there is nice. The salmon quiche, scones, coffee, etc... Just want to eat everything they have. So those who want a nice place for high tea, you might want to give Raffles Hotel a try. It's really nice. And not expensive at all. If you go between 2:30pm and 5:30pm, you'll be in time for their high tea sets. For $5.50, you get either a scone set or a cookie set. The cookies are heavenly as well. For $6.50, you get a cake set. Remember to get the marble cheese cake. It's a must try! The salmon quiche is only $4.00... Very nice.. Ask them to warm it up for you... Hah.

2004-12-12T01:10:00.000+08:00

Oh yes, bought Rachmaninov Symphony 2 CD today... Really a gem!

2004-12-11T23:13:00.000+08:00

Marcus went for the CCO Family Day meeting on Friday and told me about all the things that they've planned to do there when he got back to the office. There's going to be a Santa Claus, some lucky draw, some games and such... Log O is going to buy a turkey there to share among all the guests. And Marcus said Log O is going to bring his girlfriend along. Damn. He's taken... Immediately turned off. Hah. Bloody signaller me, sending and receiving all the wrong signals. I'm not going to talk about Log O anymore. Not interested..... Not like I care; not like I ever cared at all...

Okay - my brother's got a girlfriend. The whole world has got a girlfriend. Today was meet-the-folks session. He and his girlfriend treated mum and I to high tea. Cheap one, not the Fullerton 3-tier English high tea... We were at Delifrance. And he used coupons! My god... Okay never mind about that. I've seen the girl at home before. He brought her home before, thinking that I won't be home. How stupid. But there was no formal introduction and I never knew her name. Hence we never talked. I just carried on doing my stuff, ignoring her presence. But this time, he formally introduced her to mum and I. Finally know her name. I think she's quiet. She didn't talk a lot. Don't know whether that's good or not. But I'd want a partner who talks a lot. Not that he has to be noisy... I don't like noisy people. But at least interestingly talkative. Maybe she's shy or something... But my brother said she's chatty and friendly. I've yet to see that side of her though. Not that it matters anyway... My mum's jealous that brother's spending more time with girlfriend. Bitched about it all day, in a joking manner. Then we were teasing them at tea... Quite funny. My bro wants to take the girl home for Christmas dinner. I have no objections. But she'd better buy a bottle. Heh... Oh I think I should bring someone home too! Hoho... Xmas is the season! Woooh~~

Was supposed to meet Yeekai today. But because of the couple's treat, I couldn't go. See, I gave face to them... Oh yes, I think I overheard my brother telling my mum that his girlfriend thinks my dressing is too gay. And I think I heard something about the bag I brought with me today as well. Damn it. My bag again. What's wrong with all these people? They just hate my bag. I also can't be bothered. People have been talking behind my back about my dressing ever since I started wearing clothes. It's never an issue. But I've tried to change already... Recently started to wear white and jeans. That's exactly what I wore today... White top with plastic prints on the lower left and stringed with canvas rope at the neck... Quite nice, I think. Blue jeans. No wash, no embroidery. Just straight cut. Isn't that straight enough? Gosh... Maybe it's really my bag. But heck care... I like the bag. I think my dressing today is way straighter than what I usually wear in the past... At least it's not as loud as before. If this is still "too gay", I have no idea what to wear already. Polo and jeans? I'd rather go drag....

So I didn't meet Yeekai in the end. All because of this Delifrance high tea. Ate the Potato Gratin and some tartlets. Got my mum a chocolate eclair. I love the eclair. It's definitely more than just a phallic symbol. Okay back to Yeekai. Met him on MSN. Talked about the couple for a while. I think we're all as excited about new couples as we are about newborns. We're going to meet tomorrow and I'm going to get my koala from him finally! Yay! I asked him to go Waterbar with me... Or Mox. But he didn't want to go. Asked me to go Chinablack instead. Crazy. I never liked Chinablack.... Then he proposed Zouk... It's too popular. Everybody goes there. Don't want to meet familiar faces. Hah. So didn't go anywhere in the end... Stayed at home and watched Tears of the Sun on HBO.... My third time watching....

2004-12-08T22:14:00.000+08:00

Haha... Styled my hair this morning. But left home late. Missed the earlier train. Didn't see Log O... But saw him at work. He told me to see CCO at 1.30pm to deface my slides. Not happy about it. But don't care. No choice. CCO is stupid. Log O's birthday tomorrow. He won't be going to work. Hmm...

That 3SG CCOPA has cute hamster eyes. But quite vulgar. Quote from Miss Saigon - "swear like men, screw like boys". But there's a certain appeal to that actually. Hah. Oh well...

SSG Hasan wanted me to cut my hair today. Told me in the morning that he wanted to inspect my hair in the afternoon cos it's too long. Wanted me to cut at Tekong barber. Heh dream on. I'll not cut there. I argued with him and told him that Tekong barber has no shampoo so cannot wash off the wax (in fact, i used gel this morning. very easy to wash. but he's a balding straight man so he won't know the difference) and so I can't cut. And I insisted that I'll never let Tekong barber ruin my image. Then he finally gave in and gave me special permission to cut outside. So once I booked out, I went to REDS. I've been to REDS a few times but never at the same branch... Last time I went to the Bugis one with Galen. Not bad. I liked the hairstyle. This time also not bad. But I still prefer the previous one. But it's okay to try out new hairstyle... Mum's going to take me to Hairitage next time. Damn ex... Going to make her pay for me....

And today at work, that stupid CCO wanted me to change the words used in my presentation. Crazy. Told me to change so many things. He insisted on all the bad English. Inserted commas here and there for no reason. All the sentence structures were killed. No more. My presentation looks so foreign to me now. I think it's really lucky for me because I'm not going to present on 29th. I don't feel the connection with the presentation. I can't present. It's not my work. I don't feel natural with it. Stupid CCO. I'm going to let Kenneth do the presentation. I think he's verbal enough to do it. I trust him.

I was supposed to take Alpha coy for signal lectures next week. But SI screwed up my course date and I'm supposed to report for my course on next Monday instead of 27th. So I can't go to SISPEC. I want to teach Alpha. I love Alpha although I was never from that company.... Going for a 6-week course. Stay-in. Won't be blogging so frequently already... And I won't see Log O for 6 weeks. I think he'll forget me. Bleah.... Godwin said he'll miss me. But I doubt so. Don't believe him. He just wants me to buy his duty on 19th. Actually I agreed already. But I can't do it now because of this screw up by SI. 3SG Ben also... He's going to ORD already. After Friday, I'll never see him again... Must take picture.... I think that 3SG CCOPA is also going to ORD soon... So maybe I'll just voyeur one or two pics when I go to work before I leave for my course... Hmm... I think that's about all.